Friday, November 20, 2009


Lately I've been restless. I keep getting the feeling that I should be doing something, but I can't put my finger on it. I've also been super horny, which does not make it easier to think or focus. I just keep losing interest in things I enjoy. Maybe it is a lack of beatings. I hope that is the problem, its an easy fix. I've just been so fidgety. When I'm home I want to go somewhere, but when I go somewhere I just want to leave. So this will probably be a short post since I'm already sick of typing. :P

I've been driving Sir nuts lately too. I just can't help it. When He's home I just want to fuck and cuddle and have His whole attention. I know its not fair to Him, but I really can't help it. He has been really good about it though. Probably more understanding than I deserve honestly. But that is how He always is. I just hope this manic mood goes away soon. I am sick of always being horny and...well fidgety.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

All Work and No Play

I haven't been writing much because not much is happening. I've been busy at work. Its amazing to me how I can have nothing new going on, but be so tired all the time. My life has been one big monotonous blur lately. I sleep, work, then sleep some more.

One of the only interesting parts of work is the co-worker I close with. I'll call him Steve. He is incredibly cute and sweet. He is in the same position I am right now; trying to make as much money as possible by working a crappy part-time job. We get along really well. I told him that he is welcome to come by and hang out when Sir and I get our own place. I hope he does. Neither of us have any friends here in town. I am just so sick of being lonely. I need a friend. Besides maybe if Sir starts sleeping with one of the young cuties He works with I can do the same with Steve. :P

I guess the good news is that Sir and I have been approved for an apartment that we can barely afford. We are supposed to move in this weekend so hopefully everything will go well. It will be so nice to have our own place again. I'm so tired of hiding everything from my parents, and even more tired of keeping our sex completely vanilla. What I wouldn't give to get one long, thorough beating.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

New Developments

So Sir got His test results back from His AFOQT. In short He did amazing. He had top scores on all the portions of the test. I knew He would do well, but I am still so proud of Him.

The bad news is that the decision board for Officer Candidate School had been pushed back from December to March. So we are looking at another 6-9 months until He gets through Basic and receives His permanent station. Which means we are going to have to struggle through more months of little money and no health care. Its enough to make me want to tear my hair out. I'm so sick of always trying to play catch up to stay alive and off the streets.

Really there is not much else to say. Its just hard for us right now. We haven't been doing much because of all the stress lately and the lack of funds. Our sex life is really suffering because we are staying with my parents until we can afford to move out. It just seems like everything is unnecessarily difficult right now. We try so hard to get ahead and just keep getting shut down.

I hate how this blog is starting to be less about my BDSM life (which was the original intention) and more about my other life problems. I just feel like I need a place to vent since I only see my friends once a month at most. I just feel so isolated and I need someone other than Sir to talk with. He is just as frustrated and stressed as I am and it doesn't help to bitch constantly. I wish I didn't have as much to bitch about honestly.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


So yeah I've been neglecting to write, but mostly because there hasn't been anything to write about. I just started work at GameStop again. At least now I can do the same humiliating and frustrating work for $2 more an hour than the last time I was there. The lack of hours that are available is pretty shitty, but at least its gonna keep us alive until next spring.

Right now Sir is 2 hours away staying in a hotel so that He can be ready to take His AFOQT at 5 am. I know it is important for Him to be gone, but its hard. Except for that rough patch last year we have never spent a night apart, let alone three. At least He will be home Thursday. I miss Him alot, but I am super proud of Him for working so hard to give us a better life. I know He will do well on the test, I just hope He gets the best score in the bunch.

Nothing else is really going on right now. My birthday is this Saturday. I am trying to persuade myself not to get excited. One of my friends and her man want to get Sir and I a hotel suite for the weekend so we can have some privacy to play. I told them to feel free to come along and I really hope they do. It would be nice to have a group scene for once.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Officer's Wife???

Sir has decided to join the Air Force. Since He has obtained His B.S. in Math He qualifies for the Officer Training Program. I am really excited for us both, but I'm nervous as well. I know that there is little chance of Him being sent overseas into the warzone, but I still worry about His safety.

As a result of this choice, we have moved back to Indiana to stay with my parents until He is sent to basic training. It isn't as stressful as I thought, although I am majorly bummed to be back in Indiana again. I prefered Washington and Texas. Either would be better than this cornfield in hell. At least it isn't permanent. There are no A.F. Bases in Indiana. The closest is Wright-Paterson in Ohio. I just hope we don't end up there either. Ohio is just as bad.

I have also been sick the last week. I got back to Indiana just in time to catch a summer cold. I'm not sure if its the cold or all the traveling or what, but I really haven't been in the mood to play lately. And from His actions and mood lately I'd say Sir feels the same. I hope its just a temporary slump and not a long term problem. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. I have a suprise birthday party to attend tonight for one of my kinky friends at Hooters. That oughta cheer me right up I'm sure.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Texas Threesome

Ok, I did promise to write about the threesome Sir and I had in Texas with one of our friends. For the sake of privacy I'm going to call her Amy, which is not her name.

We got to Amy's house in the early afternoon. We all sat together on the couch and chatted for a bit. Sir pulled her in close and started to kiss her and fondle her amazingly large breasts. I was getting so wet just watching them together. After a bit He grabbed her hand and led her to a more private room. He told me to stay on the couch while He fucked Amy in the bedroom. The whole time they were gone I was so wet and ready I couldn't stand it.

After awhile I heard my cell phone ring. I had forgotten that my purse was in the spare bedroom. Sir called me in to get it. When I went in the room He had Amy on her back and was sucking her big beautiful tits while He fucked her. Neither of them paid any attention to me as I walked around the bed to get my phone. By then it had stopped ringing. Sir told me I could stay and watch Him cum in her if I promised to be quiet. I agreed of course.

When they were done Sir and Amy got up and got dressed again. We all went back to the living room to relax for awhile. This time it was me who got to kiss and fondle Amy while Sir watched. I could see He was hard again and Amy was very wet. Sir whispered to me that I should go fuck her. So I grabbed her hand and led her back into the spare bedroom.

When we got there she seemed a little nervous. It had been a long time since she had been with another woman. So I continued to kiss her and slowly undress her, kissing and fondling every part of her that I uncovered. She started to relax and undress me as well. When we were both naked I pulled her down to the bed and kissed all down her body. I started with her mouth then worked my way down her throat and breasts until I made it all the way to her pussy. By now I could see her juices dripping down her legs so I lapped at her inner thighs until she begged me to eat her out.

I stared out slow, just licking and sucking her clit. Then I slid my middle finger inside her. She moaned and I pushed a second finger inside her. She was so tight it barely fit. Sir must have had to work hard to fit His cock in her. I fucked her with my fingers and kept licking her clit. She just moaned and thrust back onto my hand. So I fucked her harder and harder until she came all over me. I slid my fingers out of her throbbing pussy and she pulled me up to her. Gently she kissed my face and sucked her own cum off my tongue. I was in heaven.Then she told me to lay down on my back. She began the same way I did, just using her mouth on my very wet pussy. Then she started to fuck me with her fingers, rubbing my G-spot and licking my clit. I loved every minute of it.

After we were done I pulled her close and held her for awhile. It felt so good to be with another woman again. I had missed it alot. After we were both dressed we went back out to the living room to sit with Sir. I helped Amy make lunch because we were all famished. We sat and ate and talked for awhile.

When it was dark outside Amy pulled the shades shut. We were all sitting on the couch again. Amy had Sir's cock out and was sucking it. I was sitting at their feet watching her and fingering her pussy. It was so beautiful to watch another woman suck Sir's cock. I almost came just watching. Then Amy grabbed me by my hair and pulled me so I was kneeling and began to kiss me hard. Then we both started to take turns sucking Sir's cock, licking His balls and kissing each other. It was amazing. I could tell Sir loved it.

Sir told both of us to stop and strip. When we were all naked Amy laid back down on the couch. He made me get on my hands and knees in front of her and lick her pussy while He watched. It made me so hot to know He was watching me and I know Amy enjoyed it too. Then I felt Sir's cock thrust inside me from behind. I almost came. It was too much to hope for.

Then Amy surprised me. She grabbed my hair again and pulled my face out of her pussy. I moaned and tried to lick her more, but she held me tight while she watched Sir fuck me. I could tell that He liked to see her take control of me like that and He fucked me even harder. After that she never let go of my hair. She used it to shove my face tight into her or hold me so that I was just barely out of reach of her wet pussy. It was amazing and maddening. I'm not sure how, but it worked out that Amy got really close then pulled me away. I could tell Sir was getting really close to cumming too. Right before He came in me, Amy pulled me into her wet pussy again and fucked my face in earnest. It was the most amazing experience of my life. Both of them came at the same time and used me like a toy to do it.

After a moment to catch our breaths we got dressed again. We both thanked Amy for a wonderful evening. I could tell everyone enjoyed themselves immensely. I know I loved being used by two people. It was a great threesome and a great visit to Texas.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Munch Recap

So the 18-30 group was a bust for me. I got roped into playing card games with a really bossy girl the whole time. I couldn't hardly get a word in edge-wise with anyone, even Sir, without her butting in and telling me something about the game. When I tried to stay out of the second game she dealt me in anyway. Normally I enjoy card games, but I didn't want to play with that girl. I felt bad for the submissive across from me. She was in the same position I was. And neither of us was rescued because her Dom and Sir were busy talking to each other. I don't think either knew that we were anxious to get out of the game.

I am still glad we went though. Sir had a good time. I don't think I've ever seen Him so talkative and outgoing in a group of people. He is definitely the strong silent type usually. I am really happy that He got a chance to open up and get to know some other people in the area. If we do decide to go again, hopefully it will be a little bit better for me. At least now I know to avoid the "Card Nazi". :P

Another New Munch

This afternoon Sir and I are planning to attend the 18-30 munch group that meets in our new area. So far the BDSM community age average seems to be mid-30s or so. I'm really hoping that we will get to meet some people closer to our age range.

I will probably ramble an update when we get back...unless things take a very unexpected turn in the naughty direction. Honestly I doubt it, but I can always hope.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Date Night

Last night Sir took me out on a real date. We haven't really had much money or time to date in the last year so it was unexpected, but greatly appreciated. I don't think either of us realized how much we needed to get out for a bit by ourselves.

First He took me out to eat. He ordered me a cheeseburger and curly fries. It was really good. Curly fries are my favorite. I enjoyed just getting to sit together and talk. We have had so little privacy lately.

After dinner we went out to the movies. Neither of us had been to the movies in months. We saw Year One. It was hilarious. It felt so good to be together in a theater with other people just laughing and enjoying ourselves.

We drove around town for a bit after the movie. Neither of us was ready to go back to the house we are staying at yet. When we finally did get back, we snuck into our room and made-out like teenagers on the bed. Both of us have felt like naughty teenagers lately because we have been sneaking kisses and gropes when his family aren't looking and having quickies when they are gone.

After awhile He ordered me to strip in that low husky growl He has when He's impatient. It gave me goosebumps to hear it. I stripped then sat down next to Him on the bed. He petted my check softly then wound His fingers into my hair. He pulled me down to His belly then used His other hand to unbutton His pants. With my face against Him I could feel Him breathing hard and started to kiss His navel while He held me tight by the hair and kicked off His jeans.

He let me kiss down His belly and inner thighs. Then I started to lick all around His balls and He pulled my mouth even closer to Him. I slowly traced the underside of His cock with the tip of my tongue. When I reached the tip I closed my mouth around it while He thrust into my throat, making sure to keep a tight grip on the back of my neck.

He continued to fuck my throat and talk to me with His husky voice for awhile. We could both tell He was getting close, so He pulled me off of Him and ordered me to kneel on all fours on the bed. I quickly positioned myself while he stood on the floor behind me. I felt Him take two of His fingers and feel how wet I was. By that time I was more than ready for Him. He knelt behind me on the bed and slowly thrust His cock inside of me, inch by inch. It was agony. I wanted Him to take me fast and hard, but He knew that so He took me slowly at first and teased me about it the whole time.

After a time He pulled out completely. I whimpered. He chuckled then placed the tip of His cock against me. He asked me if I wanted it. I moaned and told Him that of course I did. He chuckled again and asked if I was sure. I told Him I was definitely sure. So with a low growl He thrust His cock all the way into me. It hurt just as much as it felt amazing. He has always been too big for me.

When I say that Sir is too big for me, I say it without exaggerating. When He is fully hard He can't get it in me without thrusting hard and forcing it in. And thats exactly what he did then. He rode me hard until I couldn't hardly take it any more. I begged Him to cum in me. By then I couldn't wait to feel Him spend Himself inside me. I love that feeling. He just chuckled again and asked if I was sure. I told Him that I was sure, that I couldn't wait. He grabbed my hair in one fist and my ass in the other and thrust even faster. Right before He came in me He pulled my head back even further and ordered me to cum. I can't even put into words how fantastic that orgasm was. He continued to cum inside me while my muscles clenched around His cock.

After we were both done and I had cleaned Him off with my mouth, He told me to clean myself up then kneel next to His side of the bed. He told me to stay there until He fell asleep, then I could lay down next to Him and sleep. While I was kneeling He petted my hair and cheek for a few minutes until He finally went to sleep. I knelt there for a few more minutes and watched His face. I love to watch Him sleep. Then I quietly got up and crawled into bed beside Him.

I can only hope that we have many more similar date nights in the future.

Picnic in the Park

Sir and I were both able to attend the local munch picnic this past Tuesday. It was tons of fun and we were really happy that we attended. They even had a few local vendors. Sir bought me some fully adjustable C style nipple clamps. As well as 55 new clothespins in various shapes, colors, and sizes. It was a great treat.

The cheeseburgers were delicious. We had fresh grilled onions on ours. It was the best burger I've had in a long time. And for desert Sir and I watched a few people fly a kite with their nipples. It was a very interesting experience. I wish I would have tried it, but I hadn't done it before and was worried about embarrassing Sir if I wasn't very good at it. Besides I can always put it on my to-do list for the future.

The people we met were all very friendly. It was nice to get together with other kinky people for some social interaction and naughty fun. I hope we get to attend many more get-togethers like that in the near future.

P.S. Yes those tits are real and they are mine. :)

Monday, July 27, 2009

Back Again

So I'm back. Alot has happened in the last couple weeks. Long story short, Sir and I are living in Washington state now. At the moment we are staying with his family until we can get our own place. Hopefully it will be soon.

We had originally planned to move to Texas, and we did. But, it was not meant to be. Although we did have an amazing threesome while we were there...but more about that in another post. This is just an update post to get me back in the habit of writing.

Both of us want to get involved in the BDSM community here. There is a picnic in a local park tomorrow evening that I want to attend. I'm just nervous about going and not knowing anyone. Besides that, I don't have any money to buy or make a side dish or drinks. I don't want to feel like a mooch, but a couple people have invited me to come anyway so maybe I will be able to screw up my courage and go. If not I do plan on attending the local munch this weekend.

Sir will be able to go with me to that munch. He won't be able to make the picnic because He has a temp job power-washing rust off of the undercarriage of trucking trailers. Its a dirty job, but we gotta have money and He isn't too proud when it comes to our lives. I'm very proud of Him and everything He is doing to support us.

I guess thats all for now. I'm gonna go put out some more job applications. I mean really the law of averages can't be wrong, one of them will pay off.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Ok I know I haven't been posting lately, but I am taking an official break from the blog. I have alot of things I need to figure out and need the hiatus from posting for awhile. Wish me luck...

Friday, May 15, 2009

Busy Busy Bee

Lately I have been so busy with my new job. I have been switching between first, second, and third shifts since I started and it has not been easy for me to actually get some rest or get anything else done for that matter. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't complain, after all I did beg for a job, but no matter how much I enjoy my work I am so drained lately. I haven't really slept or eaten since I started. I am hoping it will get better when my training is over and I settle into my permanent hours.

The 13th was mine and Sir's wedding anniversary. We spent the day together. We didn't really do anything extra special, just alot of time together and lots of sex. I had checked out some porn from work for the night and we watched some of it together. It was nice. We haven't had much time to just be together with nothing that has to be done.

It is strange to be in opposite roles for once. Since Sir graduated He has been home while I have been the one going to work all day. He is the one taking care of the house while I earn the money to pay our bills. It doesn't really bother me on a D/s level. Our relationship is not based on our perceived roles in the household alone. No, what bothers me about it is being the breadwinner, the one in charge and responsible for our livelihood. I am not used to the pressure it brings. He makes it look so effortless, perhaps because it is a role He was born into. I don't know. All I know is that I will be relieved when Sir gets His career going and I am no longer accountable for our very lives.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Daddy Days

Lately I have been missing Daddy more than usual. We still talk on the phone and online. But some days it just doesn't feel like enough. I love both my Sir and my Daddy. Maybe I'm just selfish, but I feel like I need them both to be involved in my life. Too bad its impossible to have them both always.

The arrangement that I have with Sir is a simple one: We are both free to sleep or play with other people as long as the other is aware of the "date" in advance and the new partner is aware that neither of us plan on leaving our marriage. Sounds simple right? The only problem is the lack of available females in our area. I just wouldn't feel right sleeping with another man if I knew that Sir didn't have any prospective "dates" lined up. It would just be strange...with one exception.

If I could, I would hop on the next flight just to spend even a few days with Daddy. I miss Him. I want to be with Him, even if we both know that it can't last forever. He won't share me and I won't leave my Sir. We are at an impasse. I have offered many times to just leave Him alone since I feel like my selfishness is just going to hurt Him. But time after time He refuses to let me go.

One thing we can agree on though is our view on me visiting. Both of us want to be together, even if its only for a few days. It would be worth the pain later. I personally don't think I could bear not ever knowing His touch on my body. The absence of it now is painful. Its a yearning that tugs at the void in me. I'm not saying that being with Sir isn't enough, its just different. Neither is better than the other, they are just too different to compare. This is why I can love them both without any competition in my heart. I can love both because they are so different from each other.

This summer is the last chance I will have for a long time to see Daddy. This August I start classes at a new college and I won't have time for vacations, especially if I can keep my job. I know that I will not have the money to visit unless Sir finds a good job close by. Even with His degree it will be hard to find good work. I am just hoping now that everything will work out for us.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

First Day

Today was my first day of work. I had a great time getting to know my co-workers and learning about the store. I really like all my co-workers that I have met so far. It was a great day, but I am exhausted. I plan on writing more later, but for now I need to head to bed.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


So yesterday turned out to be a fun day after all. Sir took me to my favorite Chinese restaurant and got take out. We took it to the state park and had a picnic. The rain held off for a couple of hours while we laid on the grass and ate egg rolls. Because it was overcast we had the whole place to ourselves and got free admission. Can't beat that. It was fun just sitting in a clearing surrounded by nature. I love just being together, all chores and worries forgotten. We just lay in the grass holding each other and talking about our life together. It was sweet.

I can hardly believe our anniversary is coming up. Sometimes it feels like we have been together much longer than we have, other days it feels like it has been no time at all. This will be our first wedding anniversary. Married one year already. Maybe it is because we have been through alot together. I hope the years to come aren't so hectic! But I guess the point is that there will be years to come. That thought makes the happy balloons in my stomach float and burst into confetti when I think about being with Him, being His, forever. I can't help but smile.

Friday, May 1, 2009


Today is one of my favorite holidays, Beltane! Yay for pagan fertility holidays! I'm not sure yet what if anything Sir and I are going to do to celebrate. Usually we just spend the day outside enjoying the rebirth of nature. However, its rainy today so our usual picnic is out.

In other news, I got the job! I am now a newly employed and contributing member of society. I will start as soon as my background check comes back. Did I mention what I will be doing? Working as a sales clerk in an Adult Book Store. I think its a nice fit. I have three years of retail experience and I have sold pretty much everything from shoes to CDs. This is my first time selling pornography, but honestly a product is a product to me. I guess this is one business where it pays to not be shy. I can't wait to start.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hope on the Horizon

Finally after months of unemployment and no prospects I had a job interview yesterday. I am so excited and nervous. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter so I won't be disappointed if I don't get it, but it is so hard to believe that when I have been wanting a job for so long. There are just so few jobs to be had here. Sir will be graduating college in less than 2 weeks and His last class is Monday. With the end of His school also comes the end of the money and soon the new student loan bills will begin coming due. It frightens me. And even though this job is just a part-time job in a dirty book store, it will be money and a chance to get out of the house. I try not to think what will happen if I can't find a job. Sir assures me over and over that it doesn't matter and He will take care of things. I trust Him, I just worry so much. I don't want to put the pressure entirely on Him. I just want to make His life easier. I know He works so hard to take care of us and I want to help. So here is to hope in the hands of a dirty book store owner. Lets hope they are a hand hold and not a shove over the edge.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Feel Goods and Night-time Feel Bads

After posting yesterday I had a case of what I call "the feel goods". I was just in a really good mood all day. It was beautiful outside. I spent the morning with Sir. I helped Him with His German assignment. I enjoy languages much more than He does. Afterward He took me to spend some time with my aunts. It was a nice visit. I sat around with my cousins and talked about nothings. I joined my Aunt D in her office for awhile, both of us just reading and sharing bits of the stories with each other. All in all it was a nice day. I came home and got plenty of sleep. It was just a calm day, but I enjoyed myself. It was very pleasant to spend the day with people I love.

I wish that my dreams had cooperated though. As usual I had nightmares. That isn't the strange part. I guess the strange part was the subject matter.

I dreamed that I was with my best friend from high school. We were on vacation with his dad (who neither of us knew, he abandoned my friend when he was an infant). Things kept getting weirder. We went to a mall in Denver (I've never been to Denver or even to Colorado). There was a Korean guy selling food and all the rest of the shops were closed. He offered to tell us our fortunes. I turned around and my sister was there. She was grossly pregnant, but it looked unnatural and sick. She was shrunken with a huge misshapen belly that kept moving. I tried to run, but my friend told me we couldn't leave until we got our fortunes. He grabbed me and dragged me to the back of the shop. His dad was there. My sister stayed outside the shop. All three of the men threw me down and started to stab me and cut off my clothes with paring knives. I was on the floor naked and bleeding and they were all wearing identical leering grins. I just wanted to run, but like most dreams it was impossible. All three raped me starting with the shop owner, then the dad, then last of all was my best friend. As he began to climax I felt the knife in his hand at my throat. He whispered to me "Isn't this what you wanted?". Then he slashed and I felt the blood rush from my throat and his semen fill me at the same time.

I woke up fighting the covers, which were tangled around my arms. The nightmare was obvious in a way. I was thinking about my friend yesterday so he made his appearance. I was thinking about my sister (who got pregnant at 14). I was going to go to the mall and decided against it. All of that I understand. What I don't get is the role my friend was cast in. Ever since I met him he has been sweet and gentle. He loves animals and children. We dated a bit in junior high (kissing, holding hands), before he came out of the closet, and we've been nothing since best friends since then. Yes he can be arrogant, but it comes from an innocence I can't understand. He has always seemed better somehow than other people to me. He has a light in him where I have my void. Maybe my dreaming mind was trying to pervert that. I guess I don't have any answers. It will be good to see him again this summer. He's been away at college and has been working through holidays. I haven't seen him in almost a year. Hopefully seeing him will dispel some of the anxious feelings I've been having about him. Who knows?

Monday, April 27, 2009

More on "Secretary"

After seeing the movie Secretary I wondered what about it was most memorable, most eye and mind catching. Many scenes caught hold in my brain, but what surprised me most was that the scene that stuck with me the most was not overtly sexual or even that sexy at all.

The part that stayed with me has the main character sitting at a desk where she has been ordered not to move her hands or feet until he returns. Someone asks her in a nervous whisper "Is this some kind of sex thing?" She gives a wry chuckle and replies "Does it look like a sex thing?"

I loved that. Mostly just because for her D/s wasn't a "sex thing" it was much more. For me sex has little to do with our D/s. Yes sometimes being tied up and flogged will lead to sex, but not always and sex isn't the objective. The beatings, the chores, even being tied to the desk and made to be a cup holder for hours, all of it is so much more than sex could be for me. It means so much more to me.

When I was younger I knew there was something in me. I was told by my family that there was something wrong about me. They sensed it even though none of them knew what it was. I didn't even know. Whatever it was, it frightened them. Looking back I think they were just frightened by something they could sense but not name. A carnal fear of the unknown. As I grew up I tried to pretend I was happy being "normal", but it didn't matter. The other children hated me. Their parents kept them away from me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't hide that I was different. To me it felt that there was a hole deep inside. Nothing I did could fill it.

In high school everyone just left me alone. I did well in school, was involved in theater and volunteer projects, and in the end none of that mattered either. The adults in charge could still feel that I was different. I was never picked to be in charge of any committees or productions. I was never congratulated for doing well in anything. I was in short, passed over. I was an outsider on the inside. No matter how hard I worked or how much I tried, I was always looked at then passed over in favor of people who didn't.

This all sounds rather ridiculous when I read over it, but its very true. It didn't even really hurt by then. By the time I got to high school I was exhausted with trying to fit in. I still kept up my facade, but underneath I was just as empty and unfulfilled as ever. So I tried to fill it. I've already written here about my juvenile self-hurting days. In high school I continued to hurt myself, but it wasn't enough anymore. So I started trying other ways to fill the void. I drank alot and had more one night stands then should be possible at that age. The remarkable thing to me now is that no one knew. My best and only real friend in school knew because I told him, but even he had trouble believing me. It just wasn't part of my projected persona.

When I did finally settle on someone to date I got into a relationship I knew was doomed from the beginning. She was a year older than me and like me she had had a horrible childhood. I think I fell for her because we were both damaged in our own way. We were together for two years before I finally drove her away. I am surprised looking back that it took her so long to get fed up and leave me. When being with her didn't fill the hole, I started doing things to hurt her. Her pain didn't fill me either. I was more lost and alone after she left then I had been before. My mother knew something was wrong and tried to "snap me out of it". I snapped all right. Near the end of my senior year I had a break down and tried to slit my wrists. My mother came home early and found me. Her words in that instant will define her character for you, "Why would you do this to me?" I didn't speak to her for days.

Then two years ago I met Sir. I was still hurting and empty then. I don't know any better way to describe Him, other than He fills me. He fills up that empty void inside me. Don't think that it was some love at first sight, He fixed me bullshit. In real life that doesn't happen. That void that has been in me all my life is still there. I can still feel it. It will probably never go away. But my Sir fills it. Every command, every lash, and every kiss fills that void more completely than I ever hoped it could be filled. And this is why I am grateful to Him. It is not why I love Him.

I ask myself now why I wrote all this. I think that this story is like poison that has been sitting in me for a long time and in telling it, I am drawing the poison away from myself. Not really drawing it out of me because it is a part of me, but drawing it away from my heart so that it can't destroy me. Writing to an audience that may or may not exist or care is the best way I know how to do this. I should just keep this for myself, but there is a feeling of freedom in publishing it, even if it will never be read. And freedom to me is a wonderful feeling, especially when freedom comes with chains.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Movie Night

Tonight was movie night in our house. We love to rent movies to watch together on random days during the week. Movie night isn't any night in particular, just a random week night that we have time to watch something together. The selection for today was Secretary.

Now I had never seen it, but I had heard it was good from some of my friends. Sir doesn't usually like romances, but I convinced Him to at least watch the first part with me. Wow am I glad I did!

For those of you who have never seen the movie, it is about a young woman who is released from an institution for self-mutilation. She gets a job as a secretary for a lawyer who is very controlling. They begin an BDSM relationship. I'm not going to say any more. If you're curious then I suggest watching it. It is a great drama/romance movie. The plot is very easy to follow and the acting is amazingly accurate and touching. Sir actually watched it all with me and enjoyed it. I'm just surprised I finally found a movie we can watch that isn't a horror or action flick. :P

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Ok I haven't posted in awhile because there wasn't anything to post about. We haven't been going anywhere or doing anything.

I've noticed in my life that when I am really upset with myself that I want to be hurt. Whenever I feel stupid or ugly or inadequate, pain and punishment make it better somehow. Maybe its because I feel I deserve it, but what matters isn't the reason, its the result. When I am depressed like that, the pain makes it go away. All of the disappointment and self-loathing just doesn't matter anymore.

When I was younger I would "fix" myself by cutting or hitting myself. It always made me ashamed and I hid it from everyone. When I got older I would pick fights with my lovers and goad them in to smacking or fighting me. I always felt bad about it. I hated using them like that. It wasn't fair and in the end it didn't help, it just made me feel worse about myself after the initial adrenaline wore off.

Then I met Sir. When we met He wasn't even aware that BDSM existed. He had always been a very disciplined man and was usually a very easygoing person. When I first told Him about BDSM and what I wanted, He wasn't sure whether He could do it. In His mind He wouldn't be able to do anything to hurt me because He loved me. Since then He has realized that causing me pain is what I need and love. Just because He flogs me, it doesn't mean He doesn't love me. To the contrary, I think it means He loves me more because its not in His nature.

To get back to the point, I have never thought of myself as a masochist. Normally I'm quite the wuss when it comes to pain. A stubbed toe can bring me to tears. But under the right circumstances I have realized that I love to receive pain. It focuses me, makes me feel like a more whole and centered person. I would not call myself a "pain-slut" though. I do not really get sexual pleasure from the pain. Instead it is more like a mental euphoria. I feel more free when I am bound and beaten then I do when I am not. I can't explain the feelings so I won't try. All I know is that I love my Sir and the wicked, painful, and wholly wonderful things He does to my body.

Last night was one of those nights. I was angry at myself and wasn't even sure why. I had been feeling inadequate for several days. So I asked if He would please punish me. I don't usually have to ask, but since I had done nothing wrong He wasn't aware that I was in need of it. He ordered me to strip, lay face-down on the bed, and stay silent. Then He left the room. He didn't come back for several minutes. I was very frustrated at that point, which I guess was what His point was.

Lesson 1: Just because He had agreed to punish me when I asked doesn't mean He is going to do it until He has time.

I didn't even hear Him come back. One minute I was grumbling to myself into the mattress, the next biting said mattress as His belt came crashing down on my thighs. I was surprised and I yelped.

Lesson 2: stay quiet when ordered.

He then send a barrage of hits over my ass and thighs. This time I stayed silent. He moved His strokes up my back, then back down to my thighs. Every hit was a hot tingle of pain and ecstasy as it burned through my skin. Afterward He undressed and lay down beside me. I thanked Him and rolled onto my back. I didn't even wince when the flannel sheets rubbed my raw backside. He lay on top of me, holding me and kissing my face. He tucked my face into his shoulder and slid Himself inside me. We made love then He had me take a shower while He was on the computer. The night went on as most nights go. Everything was back the way it was before my spat of self-hatred. I went to the store and got groceries for the week. Then we ate and watched t.v.

Lesson 3: even though we are kinky we are still normal people living a normal life.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Music To Scene To

Sir and I have very similar music tastes. When we first started dating, we started sharing music. He has introduced me to some of my favorite bands and vice versa. One of my favorite new finds is Lords of Acid. I love their over the top lyrics and the music is just so fun and raw. Plus I love female singers.

I decided to share this because with Club Paradox opening, I have been thinking alot about music that is good for scenes. (They are taking suggestions for the playlist.) Alot of LoA is very sexual and is very BDSM focused. This makes it great for playing and scening.

Some of my favorite LoA tracks are:
1. I Sit on Acid
2. Spank My Booty
3. You Belong To Me
4. Pussy
5. Lover
6. The Power is Mine
7. Concerto for Me and Myself
8. Rough Sex

I suggest that anyone into industrial music or anyone looking for some good raunchy songs check out LoA. Especially The Power is Mine or You Belong to Me. They are the more serious of the songs I listed. The others are more fun and dirty than seriously BDSM themed. All the songs are on their album "Our Little Secret" except for I Sit on Acid and Rough Sex, which are on "Lust".

Saturday, February 21, 2009


Sir and I went to Paradox tonight. It was amazing. Everyone was so friendly and helpful. We both felt so relaxed and at home. I can't wait until the next munch. It will just be a small meeting before the big opening of Club Paradox. It is a BDSM only club that is open just for the local community. It is going to be so amazing. Well I'm sleepy, so I guess thats all!

Monday, February 16, 2009

A Great Time

Well we are back from our vacation. I had a blast. I loved getting to see all of the monuments and the museums. I am a total history nerd, so getting to spend two days touring the Smithsonians was incredible. I got so many good pictures.

On our last night in the hotel, I prepared a Valentine's Day surprise for Sir. First I took a shower to scrub myself and shave my legs and pussy clean. Then He got in the shower and I put on my short pleated black skirt and my black satin bra with the corset style front. Next I laid all of our sex toys out on a towel on the bed next to me.

When He got out of the shower He replaced my collar around my neck and smiled when He saw my preparations. He shoved me on my back and teased me with His cock head for awhile. When I was really wet He grabbed the biggest vibrator and put it in me. Then He started playing with the settings, going from high to low and then stopping in the middle before going between again. It was driving me crazy. When He could tell I was really excited, He laid down and started to lick my clit. I went wild. It was so amazing. He kept taking me to the edge then stopping before I came. After what seemed like an eternity, He didn't stop. Instead He encouraged me by licking faster. Needless to say, I had what was probably the best orgasm of my life. It was so amazing.

After I had recovered a bit and Sir had wiped His face clean, it was His turn. I started by licking His face, then His cock clean. He was already rock hard and I know that He doesn't like to waste time, so I laid in His favorite position and He slowly sunk His cock into me.

He started off gently and gradually increased the pace until He was fucking me as hard as I could take. He held me down by my throat and kept cutting off more and more of my air as he got ready to cum. He came in me so hard that I could feel it flood my pussy. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. I just kept fucking back until all his cum was inside me. Then He let go of my throat and kissed my forehead. I thanked Him like I always do when He cums in or on me then cleaned His cock with my mouth.

After that we cleaned up. He tucked me in and we snuggled watching Star Wars together until I fell asleep. It was a great vacation. :D

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Valentine's Vacation

Sir has surprised me with the best V-day ever! We are going on a vacation! He is taking me to Washington D.C. for the weekend. We are going to stay in a hotel on the national mall the first night, then travel to another hotel with its own private beach the second night. I am soooooo excited. Sir knows how much I love museums and He has promised to spend most of our time browsing the Smithsonians! I just can't wait!

Well I guess I better get to bed. We are leaving tomorrow afternoon and I still have alot to do.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Orgasm Trouble

I have always had trouble with orgasms. Not the ones I give myself, but ones that others try to give me. Until I met Sir I had never had a penetration orgasm. And trust me, I had had plenty of sex before I met Him. I started to wonder for awhile if there wasn't a problem with me. I had never heard of anyone not having an orgasm if they enjoyed the sex. Which I always did. I've always been quite the nymphomaniac. I could never get enough.

I had never had problems masturbating either. I have been giving myself orgasms since I was eight. The problem always seemed to come around when I tried to have one with a man. Before Sir, I had been with many men and some women. Never had penetration alone given me an orgasm. However, I have had many whenever I have received oral sex.

After I met Sir and He gave me my first real penetration orgasm, I thought I was in heaven. I didn't think it would be a problem anymore. I knew better than to expect them constantly, but I thought that they would still happen pretty frequently. And they do...under one condition: I must not want oral sex. Whenever my body decides it needs oral sex, everything else that is sex related goes out the window. I cannot even masturbate very successfully.

This boggles my mind. I cannot understand why this happens. I am so turned on all the time, but I cannot orgasm. I thought that maybe it was a mental block, but I don't see how that could be when I am so horny and want it so much.

I don't think all this would really be a problem except for one thing: Sir doesn't like to perform oral sex on women. He says that sometimes it is ok, but for the most part He doesn't go near it. He doesn't even really like to touch me there (except with His cock obviously). This bothers me quite alot. He swears that it isn't anything to do with me specifically, He has never liked it. I believe Him, I just don't know what to do about it.

I feel silly to say that I need oral sex, but I don't know what else to think. My entire body aches at the thought and nothing else will suffice. I'm in agony when I think of it because I am constantly turned on. I just want it to stop. I'm sick of feeling like I have no control over my own body. I'm angry and tired and horny all the time because of it, and it is starting to strain my relationship with Sir. I don't want to pressure Him or make Him feel bad in any way. But it seems that I can't help it. I beg Him for hours to fuck me, then when He does I don't really get anything out of it. It is trying His patience and I am sick of it as well. He tells me He doesn't mind, but I still feel guilty. I'm at the end of my rope here. I feel like if I don't get some release soon, I will go crazy, but I would rather die than nag Sir into it...especially since He doesn't enjoy it. I guess I'm just at a loss.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Story Time Again

This is actually two stories written about one very long morning. I decided to post them together because they really are better together and I don't really know when the next time I feel like posting my stories will be. So here I present to you: "Good Morning: Parts 1 & 2"

She slowly came awake; trying to figure out what was waking her. She smiled as she felt His hands petting her hair. She quickly opened her eyes and met His gaze. "Aw, I was trying not to wake you up sweetheart," He said quietly, "You are just too beautiful. Daddy couldn't keep his hands off you." She smiled as her heart nearly burst with love for Him. "It's ok Daddy. If you're awake I wanna be awake too," she said smiling brightly. "I know baby girl, you are so good to your Daddy," He said smiling back.

He pulled her close to His body, feeling her soft naked flesh against His hairy chest. She laughed and squirmed as He tickled her sides gently. In one quick motion, she reached down and grasped Him between the legs. He gasped and said, "Well I guess that’s one way to get out of a good tickle." She only laughed and started to stroke Him.

"Oh no you don't missy," He proclaimed, taking her hand off of His already rigid cock. "I'm gonna have my breakfast first." With a wicked smile, He rolled her onto her back and chuckled at her confused expression. Without taking His eyes off of hers He began to slowly kiss her smooth belly and trace His fingers up and down her sides. He continued to kiss her, moving down to her thighs. Understanding suddenly dawned on her face, and He chuckled and gave her the smile that always melted her heart.

"That’s right baby, Daddy is gonna take real good care of you this morning," He said before returning to her now quivering thigh. She gasped as He reached her pubic mound and kissed it lightly. She raised her hips to His face as He started to pull away. He kissed her again and said, "Eager this morning, huh? Well that’s just fine darling. I want you to enjoy it." She gasped as He kissed her again, this time a little lower and not nearly as soft. "I love you with all my heart Daddy," she said in a wavering voice. "Daddy loves you too sweetheart. You're my little angel," He told her as He drew closer to her already wet pussy.

He nuzzled His nose into the soft hair lining her opening. She moaned lightly and again pushed her hips toward his face. He slowly stuck His tongue out and tasted her wet slit. She moaned more insistently as she felt His tongue against her. Without waiting any longer, He plunged His tongue between her slippery lips and probed deeper into her. As He dragged His tongue up her slit He reached up and pulled the hood back, exposing her tender clit. He felt her gasp as the cool air played across her sensitive clit. Slowly He flicked His tongue across the tiny bump and smiled at the rush of wetness from her already soaked pussy.

"Do you wanna cum for Daddy already little one?" He asked, lifting his mouth from her. "Yes Daddy," she replied in a soft voice. Without waiting another second He returned His lips to her dripping slit and began to lap up her sweet juices. She moaned even harder as his tongue traveled lower and began to dart in and out of her. He pressed His nose against her throbbing clit as He continued to fuck her with His tongue.

"I'm gonna cum Daddy!" she exclaimed as He worked even faster inside of her. With a loud moan she jerked as the orgasm ripped through her body. He felt her pussy tighten on His tongue, but continued to slide in and out of her, lapping up the rush of juices. She moaned again as a second orgasm tore through her already shaking body.

"That’s my girl," He said, kissing her pussy lips as He licked up the remaining cum from her. "Oh Daddy, I love you so much. You are so good to me," she said panting as He moved back up the bed to lie next to her. "And you are my sweet angel," He said, wrapping His arms around her shaking frame. Slowly she turned toward Him and licked her juices from His face. Neither of them could ever remember being happier. He sighed as He felt her warm tongue darting across His face. He pulled her even closer and kissed her forehead as she drifted back off to sleep. With a smile, He closed His eyes and followed her example. Soon both of them were sound asleep again, both with identical smiles of satisfaction on their faces as they lay together.

Part 2

She opened her eyes a little and looked over at Him. Good, Daddy was still asleep. Carefully she eased up, being extra careful not to wake Him. This time it was His turn for a morning surprise.

She scooted down the bed and leaned toward Him, but before she could get her mouth anywhere near Daddy's cock, she heard Him. "And just what do you think you're doing little girl?" He asked without opening His eyes. She breathed a heavy sigh. "I thought You were asleep Daddy," she replied. "How do You always know everything?" He chuckled. "Because I'm your Daddy sweetheart. Knowing everything is my job. Now come give Daddy a kiss," He said.

She sprung up the bed and gave Him a big kiss. As she started to pull away she felt His hands hold her to Him and His tongue part her lips. Eagerly she kissed Him back. She always loved it when Daddy kissed her like this, crushing her whole body to His, feeling His tongue probing her mouth and twining around her tongue.

As they kissed He ran His hand down her side and between her legs. She gasped at His touch and tried to pull away. "Relax baby girl, I'm just seeing how wet you are for your Daddy," He said in a gentle tone. Instantly she relaxed against Him and let His fingers explore her slit. She could tell she was very wet already and His fingers were only making her wetter. She could tell by His grunt that He was surprised she was already so wet. "I was gonna surprise you Daddy, before You woke up," she murmured into His ear. "And just what was my angel gonna do for her Daddy?" He asked, sounding amused.

"I was gonna suck my Daddy's big hard cock until He woke up enough to really enjoy it," she said seriously. "I want You to cum hard in my mouth Daddy." He smiled as He said, "Well baby, don’t let me stop you." With a grin she kissed Him quickly on the cheek and began to scoot back down the bed towards His now rock hard cock.

She ran her hands down His thighs as she watched His already hard cock get bigger. Slowly she ran her hands up the insides of His thighs, savoring how He was already breathing heavy in anticipation. She moved her right hand towards His balls and gently squeezed them. He let out a gasp of pleasure when He felt her hand cup him and her fingers gently pushing against Him. She slid her other hand around the base of His cock. She could already see pre-cum on the tip. She quickly darted her tongue out to taste it. She loved the way her Daddy tasted, so salty and warm. He heard Daddy gasp as her wet little tongue touched His sensitive head.

"That’s my girl. Suck Daddy's cock baby," He whispered. She felt herself get even wetter as He whispered to her. She loved to suck Daddy. She wrapped her lips around His cock. She always loved the way it felt, the skin so soft, but hard and tight and warm to the touch. He groaned as He felt her warm little mouth around Him. She began to move up and down His shaft, flicking her tongue across it as she did. He could feel the waves of pleasure radiating through Him each time her lips traveled across His sensitive shaft. As she sucked she gently massaged His balls in her other hand. She tightened her grip around the thick base of His shaft and felt His whole cock start to throb in her mouth. Quickly she began to increase her speed on His shaft. She could feel His cock jerking in her mouth as she began to suck harder and faster, running her tongue up and down the underside of His cock.

"That’s it baby, don’t stop. Daddy's gonna cum," He moaned. She could feel Him breathing hard and pumping His hips against her face as she sucked His cock even faster. With a loud moan He thrust into her mouth and came. She could feel His thick hot cum filling her mouth as she greedily swallowed it down. She continued to milk the cum from His throbbing cock until there was none left. Quickly she removed her mouth and began to lick Him clean. "That’s my good little girl. Clean Daddy's cock," He said as she continued to lick Him.

With a smile she crawled back up to Him and lay in His arms. He kissed her hair and told her with quiet whispers how proud He was and how much He loved His little girl. "Now Daddy is gonna do something for you baby. Do you want Daddy to cum inside you?" He asked. "Yes Daddy," she replied in a whisper. "Then come here baby," He said, tugging her on top of Him. She was amazed to see that He was already getting hard again. He noticed her looking at His quickly hardening cock. "That’s right baby; see how much Daddy wants you?"

She gasped as she felt Him grab her ass and lift her onto Him. She sat straddling Him. They could both feel her juices running down her legs and onto Him. "Daddy loves His little angel," He said quietly, "and now Daddy wants her to feel good and cum for Him. Can you cum for Daddy baby?" "Oh yes Daddy," she replied breathlessly, "I wanna cum all over Your hard cock."

He gasped as He felt her lower herself onto Him. She felt His cock grow even harder inside of her warm, wet little pussy. She began to pump her hips against Him, feeling Him thrust into her, softly at first then harder as they found a rhythm. She began to moan louder as He thrust deeper inside her soft wet pussy. "That’s right baby; you like it when Daddy fucks your tight little pussy don’t you?" He said as she thrust even harder against Him. "Yes Daddy, fuck me harder!" she cried.

She could feel the orgasm building fast inside of her. With a moan she yelled out, "Yes Daddy! I'm cumming, I'm cumming! Oh Daaadddyyy!" He gasped as He felt her pussy tighten almost painfully on His cock. He felt her juices run down Him as she continued to thrust her hips against Him. He could feel her orgasm shake her body. She could feel His cock huge and throbbing inside of her.

One more thrust and she heard Him call out with a moan, "Oh yeah baby. Daddy's gonna cum too!" She felt the thick, hot ropes of cum fill her already throbbing pussy. As His cum shot inside her, she felt another orgasm overtake her. He gasped again as He felt her tighten on His cock again. She slumped forward, His cock still inside her. "That’s my girl, that’s Daddy's good girl," He whispered to her as the aftershocks of their orgasms rippled throughout them both. He petted her hair and kissed her forehead. She sighed in contentment and rolled off of Him. She wrapped her arms around His neck and kissed Him softly. He held her close as she drifted back to sleep. His heart ached with love as He watched her sleep, nestled comfortably in His arms. He held her tight. She was, and always would be, His little girl.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Amazing Author

As I have stated before, I love books. I'm quite the bibliophile. Last night our Munch hosted a Q&A with an amazing local author who has been in our community for many years. Her name is TammyJo Eckhart and I highly recommend her to anyone who enjoys BDSM erotica.

I have read a couple of her books. She writes a variety of different genres. The book I am currently enjoying is called Servants of Destiny. It is a Sci-fi Femdom novel set in a world that is like medieval England, but with magic and a strict caste system. TammyJo has her degrees in Ancient History, so her descriptions of the world her characters inhabit is very realistic and believable. They are truely a pleasure to read. For more about TammyJo and her books, I recommend you check out her site at:

Friday, February 6, 2009

The Bestest Little Day!

Today Sir decided it was Little Day for me. First we went to the store and got all my favorite candy so I could hide it in my really big purse and take it to the movies. Then He took me to IHOP. I got lotsa pancakes and hash browns. My favorites! After that He took me to the movies to see Coraline. It was sooooo great! I loved the movie and I got a code to try to win shoes like her's from the movie. Then we went to the mall and I got a new wallet since my old one was 5 years old and falling apart. My new one is grey and has Gir from Invader Zim on it so it matches my big purse. Last, we went to the Munch and I got to hang out with my friends and Sir at the same time. I love when He goes with me.

Also while we were out, Sir got a new game for Him to play. Our bedtime ritual is playing video games. I love to watch Him play. He picks RPGs so it is like watching a bedtime story. I love it so much. Its so nice to be cuddled next to Him watching Him play. Its been a really great day, and best of all, I know we will have lots like it!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Poly Thoughts

For over a year now, Sir and I have been discussing poly. Even before He collared me, we toyed with the idea of adding another woman to our relationship. I have been a bisexual as long as I can remember having sexual feelings, so it adding a woman, even just as an occasional play-partner, has always appealed to me. And of course it is every straight man's fantasy, so it appeals to Sir as well. Now that I am collared, the idea of a "subbie sister" appeals even more.

I know that many people warn of the dangers of a poly relationship, but I believe I could handle it. I know I am capable of loving two people at once. I have been in love like that before. I think that for it to work, we would just have to find someone who is compatible with both of us. That will be the hardest part. Jealousy is not a problem for me. I know my place and am completely confident in Sir. I just don't know if we could find another woman who shares this trait.

I would love to find another little submissive into D/s and domestic service. Sir has agreed that it would be perfect to find another who is like me in these ways. Someone I can play with in both sexual and non-sexual ways, who shares my love of serving Him. I only hope that we can one day find someone in our area that fits that description. We aren't actively looking, but hopefully we can just happen into the perfect third to complement our couple.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Really Little

I don't know how it is for most littles, but for me my "age" fluctuates. I feel anywhere from 2 to 40 and it is almost always different every day. However, recently I noticed that I get "stuck" sometimes. During these times I usually stay about the same age for a long time. Its not really noticeable to me, except for the extremely rare times when I am stuck at a very young age and am not really comfortable with speech.

That is what has kept me from writing recently. I have been stuck with only minimal speaking capabilities for the last couple days. (no speaking means no writing too) I'm not really sure why this happens. I know mentally that I can speak, I still think in words, and if forced I will talk, but if left alone to do as I please, I prefer not to.

Sir has been incredibly understanding with me the last few days. I had forgotten to tell Him about my "silent spells" before I had one. At first He thought I was upset, but I just cuddled with Him, smiled, and poked Him in the bellybutton. After that He knew I was fine and just hugged me and smiled back. He didn't prod me with questions or demand that I talk, He just let me be until I was really able to explain.

I can't tell you how greatful I was and am. Usually I am quiet loquatious, so when I stop talking for a long period of time, people generally get worried and barrage me with questions. It was so nice to just sit in silence and not be bothered. Sometimes quiet can be soothing. Besides I think Sir enjoyed the rest His ears got. :)

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Role Playing

Yesterday Sir rewarded me for being so good lately. He knows my fantasies, so it was easy for Him to decide what my special treat would be. Last night He decided to cater to my cock envy. We made up our roles and just let it go from there.

He was my mean Mistress and I got to be the sissy boy. It was amazing. I got to wear the strap-on for the first time in several months. It felt so good to play through that scene. Normally Sir won't humiliate me because He knows I have self-esteem issues. But when I am the sissy boy He feels free to insult my "manhood" without any chance of really hurting my feelings.

Even though our games are rare, I love it that way. Role playing is a way to really let go and be whatever you want to be. It is the freedom to get what you want and live out fantasies. I wouldn't want that every day by any means, but it really is a welcome release every now and again.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Fun Time on Sunday

Yesterday was lots of fun. I had two coupons for Borders that expired on the 19th so Sir took me to the bookstore. It was amazing. I saved so much money and got three new books. I love book shopping so much! I also got a new set of earrings. They are just silver and blue hoops, but having new jewelry makes me care a little bit more about how I look. New clothes and new makeup are like that too. Sometimes just looking better makes me feel better about myself. Besides, its really nice when we can actually afford to spend money on things that aren't absolutely necessary.

After shopping, Sir dropped me off at the restaurant for the submissives discussion group. There were only 6 of us this time, but we had a really great time. The topic this week was communication. There were some really insightful answers and I really liked hearing about some other people's experiences. It was very nice to be able to sit and talk about the "taboo" part of my life with friends who understand. Sometimes I hate hiding things, but I know that in most cases it is necessary. It is worth every hardship to have the life I am living now with Sir. It really is my dream and it is worth everything to me.

I am happier now than I have been in years, perhaps more than I've ever been. And more importantly, so is Sir. I haven't felt a touch of my old depression in weeks. I know I shouldn't worry, but I wonder if it will last. I think that this time it will, but I know how naive that sounds. I guess I will just have to put my worries aside and focus on being the best I can be for Sir and making both of us as happy as possible.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Ok, Here's a Treat....I Hope

I thought I was done posting for the night, but I decided to post one of my Daddy stories. Its been nagging at me lately and I suppose it wants to be read. Its called "Daddy's Pet" and I wrote it about my favorite types of restraints. Obviously I love ball gags (i think there is another post about that) but I also love being chained up and cuffed to sturdy pieces of furniture. So without further ado...

She lay comfortably on the floor near the bedroom door. She sighed and wiggled to relieve the numbness that was spreading throughout her legs. As she moved she felt the weight on her neck increase as her chain dropped from her shoulder to the floor with a clanking sound. She smiled as she picked up the heavy links and dropped them back, feeling the weight once again drag at her neck.

She loved the way her chain sounded and felt as it clanked and clicked when she moved. She always looked forward to the days when Daddy left her this way, chained short so she couldn’t stand, with nothing to do but wait for His return.

She sighed again as she thought of Him. She always hated to be away from Him, the thought nearly brought her to tears. She missed His hands on her body. She suppressed a shudder as she imagined His homecoming tonight. She could feel herself start to get wet and quickly stopped her daydreaming. She would hate for Daddy to find out she had cum without Him. It wasn’t the punishment she would receive that she feared; it was the unhappy look on Daddy's face that always made her feel the worst when she failed to obey Him.

The silence of the house lulled her back to her half-sleeping state. She was almost asleep when the scrape of a key at the door snapped her back to full attention. With an excited smile she crawled as far as her chain would allow and knelt wriggling with happiness on the floor.

As soon as He entered, He was greeted by her enthusiastic shout. "Daddy!" she exclaimed. The smile she loved so much appeared on His face as He looked down at her smiling face. He quickly crossed the room to her. He reached down to run his fingers through her hair as He asked her how she felt today. He couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked, naked and chained to the bed by her collar. This morning He had debated locking her wrists together too, but wasn’t sure how long He would be gone and didn’t want to risk something happening while she was totally helpless without Him.

"I'm so glad you're home Daddy," she said as He knelt next to her on the floor. "I missed you so much." He felt a pang of guilt for having to leave her alone for so long and quickly pulled her into His lap. "Its ok now baby, Daddy's home," He whispered into her ear as He lightly ran His fingers over her tummy. He was surprised to feel how cool her skin was. "Are you cold angel?" He asked. Suppressing a shiver she replied, "A little bit, but I'll be ok now that you're home to hold me Daddy."

Slowly He unhooked the chain from her collar savoring how the links sounded as He dropped it back to the floor. He stood and pulled her up into His arms and took her to the bed. Quickly she snuggled into the heavy blankets as He turned down the air conditioning. He stripped off His clothes and crawled into the bed next to her. She snuggled close to Him as He folded her into His arms.

"Better sweetheart?" He inquired. "Yes, Daddy. Much better," she replied in a sleepy voice. "Then roll over honey and let Daddy feel that cute ass against Him," He whispered into her ear. She immediately complied, liking the way His cock stiffened against her tender ass cheeks. He reached above her head and grabbed the cuffs that were dangling from the headboard. When she peered up at what He was doing, she smiled at Him and raised both her wrists to the cuffs. He expertly buckled her wrists in as He had done so often before.

"Roll over on your belly baby. Daddy wants that sweet ass," He said softly. She giggled as she rolled, wrists stuck out and now chained to the headboard. She tried to turn her head so she could watch Him ready His already erect cock to penetrate her tight ass. He saw what she was trying to do and moved so she could get a better view of His hard cock. Seeing her eyes sparkle with lust and adoration only turned Him on more as He began to move Himself between her legs and toward her ass.

He smiled slightly as He saw how wet she already was. "Were you good for Daddy today while He was gone?" He asked as He slowly rubbed the head of His cock against her wet slit. "Yes Daddy, very good," she replied breathlessly. She couldn’t wait for Him to fuck her like this. "Good girl. Daddy got you a present. You want it baby?" He teased. "Yes Daddy," she said curiously.

With a smile He reached down to the floor by the bed and brought out her present. "Close your eyes baby and keep them closed until I tell you to open them," He said to her. With her present in one hand, he reached up to her head with both hands and carefully placed the rubber ball at her lips. As He expected, she never opened her eyes, just opened her mouth and took whatever it was He pressed against her lips. "That’s my good girl," He praised her as He pulled the straps around to the back of her head and fastened them. "You can open your eyes now baby girl," He told her. She obeyed and He smiled even wider at her look of excitement when she realized exactly what her new present was. She smiled at Him around her new ball gag and shifted to offer Him easy access to her ass.

Smiling at her reaction, He wet His cock in her pussy, being careful not to let it slide all the way in. She arched her back and moaned softly as His cock head touched her pussy lips. Slowly He rubbed His cock against her now moist asshole. She began to moan softly and rock her hips toward Him. Slowly He slid His cock into her tight ass. He gasped at how tight it was. He pushed harder and slid into her even farther as He felt her muscles clench then relax around His cock.

She moaned even louder around the rubber blocking her mouth as He began to slide in and out of her, slowly at first, but quickly picking up speed. She rocked her hips back into His crotch as He slid even farther inside. Both of them gasped as He gave a hard thrust and felt His entire cock slide into her tight little asshole. She moaned louder and began to clench her muscles rhythmically on His cock.

He continued to fuck her harder as He slid His hand around and began to rub her clit. He could feel her juices flowing over His hand and down her thighs. Her muffled moans and cries were pushing Him to the edge. He could feel she was about to climax. "That’s it baby, cum for Daddy," He gasped as she continued to take His cock deep inside her. With a muffled cry, she came, her juices flooding over His hand and soaking the bed below. As He felt her orgasm shake her body He could feel His own about to hit.
Thrusting harder, He cried out. "Oh yeah baby, Daddy's gonna cum! Daddy's gonna cum in your sweet little ass!" He quickly grabbed her collar and pulled it tight against the soft flesh of her neck. She moaned breathlessly and pushed herself into Him as He came. She could feel His hot cum flood her asshole. She cried out again, the sound muffled by the gag. He could feel her tighten as He continued to spurt hot salty cum into her.

With a final shudder, He began to pull out. As His cock head emerged from her He saw His cum leak out of her ass and down into her pussy. He smiled as He removed her gag. "Did you like Daddy's present little one?" He asked her as He unfastened her wrist cuffs. "Oh yes Daddy. I really did," she said smiling back.

Everything Is Wonderful

I really don't have anything new to report, but I know that if I get in the habit of not posting every couple of days I will forget to post at all. Sir and I are still doing great. Its tough now that He is back in school again, but it is His last semester. He should be graduating in May. I'm so proud of Him. He has been working so hard. I'm also excited because it means I will be able to go back to school in the Fall. He is going to try to get into grad school at the college I am going to so that we can be together. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things again.

What else? Well I have my submissives meeting this Sunday. It should be fun, although I have been getting more and more nervous about driving lately. Its only a 30 min drive and traffic isn't usually too bad so I'm trying not to worry too much. I think Sir and I might also go to the Paradox group meeting this Saturday if He isn't too busy. I haven't been to that one before, but it should be fun.

Well, I guess thats it really. Nothing really new to report.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Yeah I Know, Long Time No See

I thought it would be awhile before I had the time and inclination to post again. Now that the holidays are over I should have alot more time to write more regularly. Alot has happened in the last couple months.

I would say the biggest thing (at least to me) was being collared. A few weeks ago my husband and I had a talk about depression. It is something I have fought with since early adolescence and it gets pretty bad sometimes. We were talking about the total sense of uselessness I have been feeling ever since I lost my job several months ago. Long story short: that discussion finally made him realize what D/s is to me. It gave him a vantage point to understand because he had dealt with depression before as well. For some reason having that talk helped him to really understand my particular take on D/s and what I need in that kind of relationship.

So fast forward to last week. Ever since we had that talk, he has been more Dominant than ever. I mean truly Dominant, not just the act he put on in the bedroom every now and again. Nothing had really changed between us, it was just different. Its like he knew what to do the whole time, he just had to understand to use it.

Now fast forward again to today. We went to the store and ran errands all day. Got home and I put away the groceries. He said he wanted a soda and was going to go the the gas station to get a huge fountain soda. I didn't think anything of it. He got home as I was finishing up putting everything away. He stood and watched me then told me he had a surprise for me. I turned around and he had a smile on his face and a thin, black leather collar in his hands. I'm pretty sure I squeaked in surprise. It even had a shiny silver tag with our names on it. I held still while he put it on and thanked him profusely.

I am so incredibly happy and grateful. I was worried that it wouldn't last, that he would get sick of being Sir to me. He has assured me that He actually prefers our relationship that way as long as I am ok with it. We just seem closer and stronger now.
Ok I'm done gushing now. I guess the important thing to readers is that Sir now refers to my husband and my posts will be labeled as such from now on. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! I know I did.