Happy Halloween!!!

Yay! Its finally Halloween! I love Halloween. It seems like every year I'm just waiting for this holiday. Its my favorite by a long shot. I'm so excited. I'm dressing up as a pirate wench this year. My costume rocks! I will put up a picture if I remember. It makes me kinda sad sometimes that I can't go trick-or-treating anymore, but its probably for the best since I don't really have a Daddy to take me anyway! Anyway, handing out candy in costume will be fun and I hope we get alot of trick-or-treaters. Have a merry Halloween everyone!

Best Buddies!

So I went to a pre-munch lunch to get to know my Buddy Lori better. I'm so glad I did. She is so awesome. We met at the mall at 3:30 and got Subway. Then we sat around and talked until seven. It was so amazing to meet someone I had so much in common with. She was so fun and easy to talk to. We made plans to meet early this Saturday before the Munch so we can get good seats and I can meet some of her friends. I'm really looking forward to it.

Stories

I love to write. I have been writing here about my everyday life stuff. Daddy always encouraged me to write here and I also wrote several stories for Him as well. He said to write down everything, my fantasies, my fears and put it into a story for Him to read. I've been thinking alot about putting my stories here. I wrote them for Him and I have His permission to post them, but they are deeply personal. I guess I'm just shy about anyone reading them. I've decided that I shouldn't be afraid and I guess I want others to read and respond to my words. I want to inspire and arouse others with my stories like I have been with other people's stories. I'm much more of a mental person. Sex alone doesn't do it for me. It is what goes on in my head while I'm having sex or in a sexual situation that really gets me off. I guess this is why I would rather read erotica than watch pornography. Maybe that makes me weird, but its not like its the only thing. :-)

That being said, I will post my first story here. I wrote it when I was fantasizing about going away with Daddy when our relationship started. It isn't very erotic, but its special to me in a different kind of way. Its called Anticipation. Enjoy.

Today was the day she had been waiting for. After months of waiting He was coming for her. Her body tingled all over at the thought of Him. She rushed around the house making sure everything was ready. She paused at the kitchen door. Quickly she grabbed up a damp cloth and dropped to her knees. She began to scrub the floor frantically. Everything had to be perfect for Him.
After she was sure everything had been done to prepare for His arrival, she hopped into the shower. She washed her hair and slowly began to sponge her body with a soapy cloth. She ran the cloth over the sides of her ample breasts, slowly rubbing across her erect nipples. Her body shuddered as the rough texture of the washcloth excited her already aching body. She could hardly contain a moan as she thought of His hands caressing her tender flesh.
She slowly ran the cloth over her tummy with one hand, soaping her hot skin, as the other hand rubbed her hard nipple. He was really coming for her. The very thought sent another, stronger wave of pleasure over her body. She moved her hand to her inner thigh and felt the supple flesh as she pressed against it. Daddy. That one word crossed her mind as her hand took the final trip to her soft, wet slit. Plunging her fingers inside, she moaned. His hands. Touching her. It was too much. With a cry she felt the new wetness run down her legs as her orgasm ripped through her body.
With a smile she finished washing and left her bath. She toweled her body dry and dressed quickly. She would never keep Him waiting. It was almost time. He was almost here; she could feel Him close to her. With a shiver, she checked everything one last time. All of her things were already packed and ready to leave as soon as He gave the word. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She was so grateful to Him for everything he had done these last few months. He was always patient, always kind, never pushing her farther than He knew she could go. Always driving her to know and love herself as He did. He seemed to know her better than she had ever known herself. Through His eyes she saw what she had failed to see her entire life, her own self-worth, and she knew she would follow him anywhere for the rest of her life.
A heavy deliberate knock pulled her back to reality. Without taking a breath she moved to the door. She grasped the doorknob and willed herself to breathe. Daddy, here for her at last. The very thought sent chills over her whole body. With a trembling breath, she opened the door. The first things she saw were His eyes. They caught her up and held her spellbound. She had never seen eyes so kind and understanding, eyes that said they knew her entirely and loved her more than anyone ever had or ever would.
Slowly she reached out and touched his cheek without breaking eye contact. He raised his hand, her eyes drawn to the motion. She watched as He covered her hand in His. At the first touch of His hand, she was paralyzed. It was too good to be true. After months of planning and hoping, He was really here. The thought made her dizzy and she struggled not to faint. Without taking His hand off of hers, He reached out and pulled her to Him. She felt herself snap back entirely as His scent filled her nose. He smelled so warm, so real. He was here at last. Her Daddy had come for her.
She felt his lips move against her ear as His warm breath tickled across her neck. "I missed you my angel," He said. With tears in her eyes she looked into His and said softly, "Take me home Daddy, I'm ready." He slowly released her body and took her hand in His. He led her outside to where the car waited to take her to her new life, her new life with her perfect Daddy. The thought made her heart nearly burst with love for Him.
Slowly she followed Him to the car as He opened her door and placed her inside. He grabbed her bag and put it in the back, then got in next to her. He turned to her and looked at her in a way that made her feel like the only woman in the world. He grasped her hand in one of His and smiled at her. She felt her heart skip a beat and knew then without any doubts that for once in her life, she was doing the right thing. Smiling back she released His hand so He could start the car. As soon as it was done, He grasped her hand again in His. As He drove them to the airport, she felt the last of her worries slide away. It was really happening; He had come for her like she knew He would. Nothing had gone wrong, and now nothing ever would again.

Switch

I've always known that I can act dominant. I have always acted decisive and confident in my everyday life. But I have always considered myself a submissive person. If I was ever confronted by someone who was a dominant person, my first reaction was to back down and become docile. Even though I didn't always, I still always wanted to submit to anyone who seemed to be truly dominant.

I think this is one reason I felt so awkward when my husband tried to Dom for me when I told him what I wanted. He isn't a Dom. He is a dominant person to the outside world, but it felt so uncomfortable to have him be my Dom. I just didn't feel that need to submit that I feel with others. I guess this was my first clue that he wasn't a dominant at all.

Last night I brought it up with him. We usually don't talk about "my kink" much anymore. I think it makes him feel inadequate because he can't Dom me. Anyway, I told him of my suspicions. He admitted that his best orgasms happened when I was mocking or belittling him, or acting like I'm bored or he isn't turning me on.

So I Dommed him. I actually started to enjoy it. It was nice to see my straight macho husband begging me to let him cum like a little bitch while I fucked his ass. I didn't go easy on him, but he just begged me for more anyway. It was good to work out some of my frustrations on him. It wasn't good in the same way that being Dom(med) but it was good in another way.

I never really considered myself a switch before. Maybe now I will have to reconsider that. I never thought I would enjoy Domming, but I think that with him I really do. I have always said that people should try everything once...maybe in this case I will have to try it again! Too bad this still doesn't solve my problems with what I want in a relationship.

Sometimes I Hate My Life

Enough said.

Lunch Anyone?

I have a lunch meeting on Wednesday with my Munch Buddy Lori. I'm excited and nervous. I hope we get along. It should be fun.

Munch Buddies

Ok so I have decided to go to my first munch. Its not until the first of November so I've got plenty of time to chicken out, but I won't. I'm ready to be brave for once. The munch near here has an excellent program for newbies. Its called Munch Buddies. Before a newbie goes to their first munch, they can go the the munch website and request a Munch Buddy. The Buddy is always an existing and active member of the munch. They are as close to the person's age and preferences as is possible. My Buddy is named Lori. She is also a little girl submissive. I'm so excited to get to know her. I can't wait until the first!

A Community Affair

Lately I've been pretty lonely. I've been wanting someone to talk to who knows and understands my submissive self. I just want a friend to talk to about how I am feeling since Daddy and I split and I moved back in with my husband. I feel like I am so alone. I can't talk to my husband about it obviously, he cringes whenever I even mention it. To him, those two months when I was moved out never happened. This makes it hard for me. I don't have any friends at all where we live and I don't know anyone in the "lifestyle" except my Aunts, but I want to talk to a friend my age, not a relative. I know this is picky and probably whiny, but I seriously need an outlet to be childish sometimes.

Enter munches. I have known about munches for awhile now, but could never find one nearby. Well I finally found one. Its a half hour drive, but its well worth it to me. I really want to go just to meet people and find a friend, or at least be around others like me. I just don't know what my husband will think about it. He doesn't really like the idea of me meeting groups of people without him, but I could never ask him to go. He is very uncomfortable with the BDSM scene in general. Its just not his thing. I know he is afraid I will "hook up" with someone, but as I understand it that isn't what munches are for. Its more like AA. Its a meeting for people into BDSM, not a singles bar. I just want to feel like I'm not so alone. I just don't know if he will like it, but I feel like if I don't go I will go crazy. Maybe I will work up the courage to talk to him about it, I just hope it won't hurt our relationship.

Gagging

So I've been thinking alot about gags lately. Since I am once again on the vanilla side of the relationship spectrum, there is alot I've been thinking about when it comes to D/s. But I digress. One slightly kinky thing my husband does like is breath play. He loves to choke me when he cums and I am more than willing to take anything I can get that makes me feel Dominated. Which brings me to my original point: gags.

There are sooooo many different kinds. My personal favorite however is the ball gag. Its a classic and there is nothing like biting down on the rubber ball and trying to breath with your entire mouth blocked. Its the best. I love being gagged. I have been thinking alot about getting one and then getting my husband to use it sometimes. I have no idea if this would work, but even if he doesn't want to use it I can still gag myself when he isn't home. Hehe.

Anyway I found this wonderful picture that I love. Its so raw and powerful. The look of total and grateful submission on the woman's face speaks to me so much, especially now. Enjoy!

Vanilla...Not Just for Pudding Anymore!

Some days I wish I were vanilla. My life would be so much easier without my need for Dominance. I need to feel submissive in my relationships, but most vanilla guys just can't handle that. They want an "equal partnership". And when I try to explain that its ok to use me in any and every way they can think of, they look at me like I'm nuts.

There is a real difference between being a person with a dominant personality type, and actually being a Dominant. Vanilla dominants just can't ever be a Dom no matter how much you love each other and want it to work. Even if everything else is great, you have to ask yourself how important is your submission? Because if the relationship can work vanilla style, but never with any kink, that question becomes very important.

You can try to drop the kink and live vanilla, but is it satisfying? Its not for me. That is why I have Daddy. He knows and understands me and what I need more completely than my husband. I love my husband, but I know now that he will never be everything I need. So now I am forced to choose: my unsatisfying vanilla life with my husband, or my satisfying life of adultery with Daddy.

I really wish I could "do the right thing" and go back to my husband and drop the kink forever and life a "normal" vanilla life and be happy. That last part is the problem, happiness. The last time I tried this way, I wasn't really very happy at all. I felt like I was hiding a big secret and constantly wearing a mask so he wouldn't see what I needed. Daddy saw through the mask like it wasn't even there. He gives me everything I need and I am so grateful for everything He does for me. But the fact remains, I am married. I just wish I didn't have to choose.

Phoned

I talked to Daddy today. I feel scared and excited every time I hear His voice. I can't help but want to do whatever He says, to tell Him everything. I know that I hurt Him very, very badly when I didn't go like we planned. I want to make it up to Him. I know now that no one can replace Him, no matter how much I care for them. He is my Daddy Dom and no one can ever take His place in my heart. I love Him with all of me, the true me, and I know that despite doubts, I am and always have been His.

Whats A sub Without A Dom?

Daddy wanted me to come to Him. He was going to buy my ticket and I was going to leave last Thursday. It was everything I had wanted, everything I had dreamed about for months. But Wednesday night, I knew I couldn't do it.

I called Him and told Him I couldn't go. I didn't know why then and I still don't know why. Something inside of me just wouldn't allow me to take that step. I am heartbroken, and not just for myself. I hurt the one man that has truly seen what I am. I did the one thing I never wanted to do again. I hurt someone I love. Not even accidentally, but by purposely doing something that I knew would hurt another person to the core. Its times like this I ask what is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Its too late now. I just hope my instincts were right and that there really is a reason I stayed. There are plenty of "practical" reasons, I just wonder what my heart was thinking this time.

Sick

I'm sick. This is the first time this fall I've been sick, but I know it will only go downhill from here. I'm always sick in the winter, my immune system sucks. Hopefully I will get over it and not be sick again for awhile, but its unlikely. I always feel miserable anytime I'm sick. I hate to lay around with nothing to do. It makes me feel lazy and worthless. Anyway being sick means I probably won't post for awhile, at least until I feel better.

Sleep, Revisited

Ok this will probably be a short post. I am very tired and rather pissed. One of the hazards of sleeping on someone's couch, is the possibility of being woken up at odd hours. Its usually not a big deal, but Friday nights are the worst. Last night I was going to sleep at 2. Not even a minute after I lay down, my cousins and their friends came running through and woke me up. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but one of his friends decided that he wanted to sit and talk to me. They were all pretty drunk, so I humored him for awhile. Long story short, I didn't get to bed until 5. I had to trick them out the door, then lock it. Then this morning I got woken up several times between 9 and 11, which is when I finally gave up on sleep altogether.

Sometimes I want to yell and scream and kick ass. I don't. I may think about it and really want to, but mostly I don't have it in me. I don't know if that makes me a better person or not. If it does, I have to wonder what the standards of decentcy have come to lately.

His Reasons

I was feeling pretty down the other day and Daddy knew it. He could tell something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was so we just talked for a bit and I hung up for the night. The next time I checked my email, I noticed that I had gotten a couple from Him. One was a story to go along with one I wrote for Him a while back. The other was a list of reasons. He had written it to cheer me up and it sure worked. I was crying by the time I finished the story, and sobbing by the time I read the reasons. He told me I could post it here, as long as I promised not to "fix" His punctuation. He told me that He wrote it that way because that is how He thinks. (i.e. comma free). He knows that I am the Comma Queen when it comes to writing. I love commas and use them even when it isn't warranted. So here is the email I got from Him in its original, unpunctuated form.

Reasons:

I don't really where to start my love. I just want to let you know how special you are to me. From the minute I started to think about you this just poured forward.

I love you because you are smart you love to laugh even at my cheesy jokes you are open with me you never doubt me when i do things that are good for you, you always make time for us you always watch my back you always make me feel better when I am low you always listen to me even when you don't want to you are willing to do anything for me/us you always tell me when you do the wrong things you always work your hardest to make up for mistakes you always keep yourself open to the world even though you don't like the people in it you always make it your business to take care of everything you always do your chores you are willing to always keep an open mind and the best reason for this whole list: YOU are the reason. you are the best reason in the world.

I love you my little one. You are daddy's angel. You are my heart. You are my love. Daddy loves you.

I wish so many things. But You are the best reason to keep me going. And we are going to do this. Daddy needs you.

Not Much to Say

I really don't have much to say today, but I feel obligated to post at least every other day. I have been going back and forth rapidly lately in my emotional state. I will go from depressed to energetic to happy to lethargic in a matter of hours. Sometimes I can't sit still, other times it seems like a chore to even get up off the couch. Right now I feel so energetic I can barely stand to sit and write this.

I feel sometimes that I am tingling all over and like I am going to explode if I don't get up and go somewhere. Too bad I can't go the only place I want to go. I want to be with Daddy. I feel like I have to be there with Him. Every time I think about Him, which is almost every moment of my life, the tingly, exploding feeling increases and I can feel the skin on my scalp tighten. I need to leave and be with Him. I want to be cautious and I want to throw caution to the wind. How can I be so conflicted?

He is what I want, but I know I need to be patient. It is just so hard to be patient when every nerve in my body is screaming constantly that I have to be there with Him. I hate being separated from Him. It probably doesn't help that I am currently camping on my aunts' couch. I have always hated feeling like a nuisance. I know they don't think of me that way, but I feel like I'm in the way.

If it weren't for Daddy's daily phone calls, my books, and my ipod, I would have gone crazy already. I need distraction from my thoughts. I can feel my thoughts building in my brain, threatening to overwhelm me. I have to stay strong, even though all I want to do I curl up and cry most of the time. I am just so ready to take this next step into my new life and I feel like I am being held back by things that shouldn't and won't matter in such a short time. I know its childish, but I can't help but want to stomp my foot and pout that its not fair. Lifes not fair, that is one thing I have learned and believe whole-heartedly.

Birthdays

As my birthday gets closer, I feel the moodiness and minor depression that always accompanies it. I tell myself that I am not old enough to be depressed by my birthdays, but deep down I know that it has nothing to do with age. I have always been disappointed by my birthdays for as long as I can remember. The last time I actually had a birthday party was when I turned 11.

After that year, my mother either forgot my birthday entirely, or used it as an excuse to throw herself and her friends a party instead. I learned to dread my birthdays for these reasons. Even though I am on my own now, and have been, I still can't help the creeping depression that comes over me this time of year. I have tried to throw myself a party, but it always makes me feel even more lonely and sad.

I had hoped that this year would be different, now that Daddy and I are together. However, He told me that He can't make it here in time for my birthday. I knew that this would probably happen, but deep down I had hoped for a birthday miracle. I don't want to sound childish and greedy, but just this once I had hoped for a special day unlike the birthdays of the past. It sounds horrible of me to complain like this, but I can't stave off the disappointment I am feeling about it. I know that Daddy and I will have many more birthdays for me to celebrate, I just wanted the first one to be special in some way. I hate being this far apart from Daddy.

Ok I am going to stop whining and wallowing in self pity now. I hate to feel this selfish and childish. This is the little girl part of me I usually refuse to indulge and for good reason. I can't usually stand myself when I am like this. So I am going to push through this funk this year and be the best I can for Daddy. After all, that is what I have dedicated myself to.

Punishment

One thing Daddy hates more than any single other thing I do is when I criticize myself harshly. I often believe that I am not good enough, and fear that I will never be good enough for Him. We have talked about it several times, and I thought I had it under control. However, last night I slipped up. I was talking with my cousin and another friend until my bedtime was past. Daddy text me not long after I noticed this. I ignored the text and tried to get them to leave so I could call Him like I'm supposed to. I didn't want Him to know that they were still here and that I wasn't ready for bed. I knew I was going to be in trouble so I tried to get them to leave before Daddy called.

Well as the phone rang, I panicked a bit. I told my cousin she had to go to bed and practically begged her and the friend to leave before I answered the phone. When I answered I could tell Daddy was pissed. His voice was low and gruff like it is when He is very upset. He asked why I was ignoring Him. I tried to keep a light voice as I told Him that I wasn't ignoring Him, I just wasn't tired yet. Big mistake. His voice was practically a deep growl as He told me He didn't care if I was tired or not, I was going to bed and that He shouldn't have let me stay up late the last two nights. He asked why I hadn't called Him like I was supposed to. I can't lie to Daddy so I told Him how I couldn't get my cousin to leave on time like He told me to and that I was still wound up from talking and joking with them and I didn't want Him to be angry or disappointed in me for not doing what He said to and that I just wasn't good enough. Mistake number two.

For anyone who hasn't had a long distance punishment, let me tell you, its worse than getting one from Daddy himself. He uses me as His proxy for giving out my punishments. So as you can imagine, they aren't nice or easy and He makes me do twice as much to myself because He knows it is a lot harder to hurt myself like I need.

First He had me dig my nails into my lower ass cheek as deep and as hard as I could. Then He sent me into the bathroom and made me kneel on the linoleum. Then He had me squeeze my chest down as hard as I could with my fingers and palm. This was especially hard because of the large size of my breasts, they don't go flat. Anyway then I had to look in the mirror and repeat to Him that I didn't deserve Him and smack myself in the face every time I said it. After three good, hard, cheek reddening slaps He let me stop. He asked me if I understood how wrong I was when I said that. I said Yes Daddy. He told me that it isn't up to me whether I'm good enough or not. As long as I am doing my best for Him, He said that it isn't my decision, its His. He said He will let me know if I need improvement, and mistakes don't make me less worthy, they make me human.

I know He is right. I gave up the ability to make that decision when I accepted Him as my Daddy Dom. I gave Him the power to decide and choose for me. I know this, it is just so hard with Him being so far away. I want to be with Him more than anything. I would have given almost anything to have been kneeling in His bathroom, waiting for His hand or belt to strike. Punishing myself is more of a punishment just because I would give almost anything for even the closeness of a slap. When I punish myself for Him, it just feels empty. I don't really know how to describe it. I guess its one of those things that you understand because you've been there, or you just don't get. Either way, I cannot wait until I am with Daddy. Only one more month.