Friday, February 25, 2011


I have always had a terrible temper, but I can usually control it very well. I have only "lost it" completely twice in my life. However, last night was the first time I even came close to losing it since I was 16.

Last night my boy and I went to a small party that some of our vanilla friends were hosting. It was just a small get together out in the country with only 6 people there counting Bear and myself. He decided to stay sober so I started doing tequila shots with my hostess friend. I usually don't drink tequila because it tends to make me short tempered, but since I was with mostly people I knew and trusted it didn't seem like a bad idea. I didn't drink enough to get wasted, but I did have 6 tequila shots in less than an hour.

That is when the only guy at the party I didn't know started teasing my boy. I told him to knock it off because he was drunk and I didn't want to listen to it. He would quit for awhile, but he was so drunk that he would get bored and forget I just told him to fuck off.

Around 5 a.m. Bear started to fall asleep so my friend said we could stay in one of the extra rooms. I helped her make it up then took my boy to bed. He laid down and crashed almost immediately. I was relaxed but still awake. After about 30 minutes I heard the door open. I saw that drunk asshole sneaking into the room like he was gonna crawl in bed with us. I sat up and glared and told him to fuck off. He did, but he kept coming back every few minutes to fuck with me since he knew I was trying hard not to wake Bear up and I wouldn't do anything.

After the asshole came in for the fourth time, I had had enough. I stood up carefully and moved to the door where he was standing and told him to get out or I would fuck him up. He got pissed and started yelling so I grabbed him by the throat and shoved him backwards over the t.v. This is when everyone else noticed something was going on. They tried to calm him down, but he was drunk and stupid and yelling his head off, trying to get up and come after me. Everyone else was holding him back and this is when Bear woke up. He had his hands on my waist like he was going to hold me back, but I wasn't about to let him get involved. My instincts were kicking in hard and my only thought was Bear's safety and well-being. I was fully ready to rip that drunk motherfucker apart, but I knew I couldn't loose it because Bear would get involved and I didn't want him to be.

Long story short, my friends talked him into the kitchen to try to calm his drunk ass down while Bear and I got our stuff and left. I was so pissed and at the edge of my control by the time I got to the car that my whole body was shaking violently. It took me a long time to calm down enough to sleep after that.

I think one thing nobody but my boy understands is that I am a very avaricious person. When something is mine, it is MINE, end of story. And nobody messes with my things. I protect and care for my own and fuck everybody else. That is how I am and always have been. Even when I am feeling submissive, I am still possessive over things that are mine. Bear is my boy and I would have killed that drunk motherfucker for hurting his feelings in a heartbeat.

Monday, February 21, 2011

We Are Family

In some groups you will hear the comparison made between the group and a family. I have always felt close to my particular Munch group, but I realized Saturday night that we really are like a family. We get together for dinner, we talk, we laugh, and offer advice to help each other. Most of us try to keep in touch outside of the Munches too. It can be easy to take for granted, but I am impressed and touched by the way everyone really came together to remember their sister, Q.

I can't tell you how amazing it was to see everyone show up for Q's memorial. There were over 50 people who there and many more who couldn't be there that left messages of support and remembrance. It is in times of tragedy that the true character of the community as a whole is most visible. It really touched me to see everyone band together in grief and celebrate the life of an amazing friend. Q, you are loved and missed.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Too Much Pain

As I sit here I am numb with pain. The world is now a much dimmer place without you in it. I received the news that Q passed away yesterday. I was honored to have had such an amazing woman as a friend and I cannot begin to describe how much she will be missed. I am sure that everyone one will agree that Q will leave a gap in our community that will never be filled. I can only hope and pray for her family and those of us who she left behind. My heart is broken and I feel as if I'm dying inside. Q, you are missed.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Too Spoiled?

Lately I have really stepped back and realized how spoiled my boy really is. He grew up as essentially an only child and was always spoiled by his mother. This has made him a bit immature about some things. Mostly it is just being too selfish. Its not that he doesn't care about me or what I want, he just is so used to being taken care of that he doesn't think about how much work I have to put into it.

I love him, but sometimes I want things to be about me and only me. I want to get what I want without feeling like I'm a selfish bitch. It is so strange to me to care so deeply about his feelings that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and what I want for him. Maybe that is what love is...but if so what does that say about the way he feels? I honestly think he just doesn't think about it. I feel he takes me for granted. I just want to feel special and I've told him this. And when he remembers me, I do feel like the only and best woman in the world...but more often than not I feel as if I'm an afterthought.

I guess I just don't know what to think, let alone what to say to him.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

February Make-Over

I decided to give my blog a romantic make-over in honor of Valentine's Day. I am a little nervous about the holiday this year because it was always a special day when I was with Sir. I hope that I won't ruin things because of that. I don't have much experience with relationships honestly. Before I was married, I was the love 'em then leave 'em type. I didn't ever really date or anything so I'm nervous about what to do. Bear has said that he wants to take control of the holiday which is fine with me since I don't know what to do.

I am the rose of Sharon,
and the lily of the valleys.
As the lily among thorns,
so is my love among the daughters.

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood,
so is my beloved among the sons.
I sat down under his shadow with great delight,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
Stay me with flagons,
comfort me with apples:
for I am sick of love.
His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand doth embrace me.

I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem,
by the roes, and by the hinds of the field,
that ye stir not up, nor awake my love,
till he please.

The voice of my beloved!

Behold, he cometh
leaping upon the mountains,
skipping upon the hills.
My beloved is like a roe or a young hart:
behold, he standeth behind our wall,
he looketh forth at the windows,
showing himself through the lattice.

My beloved spake, and said unto me,
Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.

For, lo, the winter is past,
the rain is over and gone;
the flowers appear on the earth;
the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;
the fig tree putteth forth her green figs,
and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell.

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock,
in the secret places of the stars,
let me see thy countenance,
let me hear thy voice;
for sweet is thy voice,
and thy countenance is comely.

Take us the foxes, the little foxes,
that spoil the vines:
for our vines have tender grapes.

My beloved is mine, and I am his:
he feedeth among the lilies.
Until the day break,
and the shadows flee away,
turn, my beloved,
and be thou like a roe or a young hart
upon the mountains of Bether.

-Second Song of Solomon

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

A Friend in Need

When I first joined the local BDSM community the first friends I made have been my best friends. One of those friends was Q. She was my Munch Buddy Lori's best friend and the 3 of us have always been close.

I learned this morning that Q is in the hospital and it doesn't look good. She is currently in the ICU. I have been sending all the love and good thoughts I can her way and even though you may not know her, I encourage you to do the same. She is a wonderful person and she has changed my life for the better. I love you Q, get well soon.