Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Feel Goods and Night-time Feel Bads

After posting yesterday I had a case of what I call "the feel goods". I was just in a really good mood all day. It was beautiful outside. I spent the morning with Sir. I helped Him with His German assignment. I enjoy languages much more than He does. Afterward He took me to spend some time with my aunts. It was a nice visit. I sat around with my cousins and talked about nothings. I joined my Aunt D in her office for awhile, both of us just reading and sharing bits of the stories with each other. All in all it was a nice day. I came home and got plenty of sleep. It was just a calm day, but I enjoyed myself. It was very pleasant to spend the day with people I love.

I wish that my dreams had cooperated though. As usual I had nightmares. That isn't the strange part. I guess the strange part was the subject matter.

I dreamed that I was with my best friend from high school. We were on vacation with his dad (who neither of us knew, he abandoned my friend when he was an infant). Things kept getting weirder. We went to a mall in Denver (I've never been to Denver or even to Colorado). There was a Korean guy selling food and all the rest of the shops were closed. He offered to tell us our fortunes. I turned around and my sister was there. She was grossly pregnant, but it looked unnatural and sick. She was shrunken with a huge misshapen belly that kept moving. I tried to run, but my friend told me we couldn't leave until we got our fortunes. He grabbed me and dragged me to the back of the shop. His dad was there. My sister stayed outside the shop. All three of the men threw me down and started to stab me and cut off my clothes with paring knives. I was on the floor naked and bleeding and they were all wearing identical leering grins. I just wanted to run, but like most dreams it was impossible. All three raped me starting with the shop owner, then the dad, then last of all was my best friend. As he began to climax I felt the knife in his hand at my throat. He whispered to me "Isn't this what you wanted?". Then he slashed and I felt the blood rush from my throat and his semen fill me at the same time.

I woke up fighting the covers, which were tangled around my arms. The nightmare was obvious in a way. I was thinking about my friend yesterday so he made his appearance. I was thinking about my sister (who got pregnant at 14). I was going to go to the mall and decided against it. All of that I understand. What I don't get is the role my friend was cast in. Ever since I met him he has been sweet and gentle. He loves animals and children. We dated a bit in junior high (kissing, holding hands), before he came out of the closet, and we've been nothing since best friends since then. Yes he can be arrogant, but it comes from an innocence I can't understand. He has always seemed better somehow than other people to me. He has a light in him where I have my void. Maybe my dreaming mind was trying to pervert that. I guess I don't have any answers. It will be good to see him again this summer. He's been away at college and has been working through holidays. I haven't seen him in almost a year. Hopefully seeing him will dispel some of the anxious feelings I've been having about him. Who knows?

No comments:

Post a Comment