Masochistic

Ok I haven't posted in awhile because there wasn't anything to post about. We haven't been going anywhere or doing anything.

I've noticed in my life that when I am really upset with myself that I want to be hurt. Whenever I feel stupid or ugly or inadequate, pain and punishment make it better somehow. Maybe its because I feel I deserve it, but what matters isn't the reason, its the result. When I am depressed like that, the pain makes it go away. All of the disappointment and self-loathing just doesn't matter anymore.

When I was younger I would "fix" myself by cutting or hitting myself. It always made me ashamed and I hid it from everyone. When I got older I would pick fights with my lovers and goad them in to smacking or fighting me. I always felt bad about it. I hated using them like that. It wasn't fair and in the end it didn't help, it just made me feel worse about myself after the initial adrenaline wore off.

Then I met Sir. When we met He wasn't even aware that BDSM existed. He had always been a very disciplined man and was usually a very easygoing person. When I first told Him about BDSM and what I wanted, He wasn't sure whether He could do it. In His mind He wouldn't be able to do anything to hurt me because He loved me. Since then He has realized that causing me pain is what I need and love. Just because He flogs me, it doesn't mean He doesn't love me. To the contrary, I think it means He loves me more because its not in His nature.

To get back to the point, I have never thought of myself as a masochist. Normally I'm quite the wuss when it comes to pain. A stubbed toe can bring me to tears. But under the right circumstances I have realized that I love to receive pain. It focuses me, makes me feel like a more whole and centered person. I would not call myself a "pain-slut" though. I do not really get sexual pleasure from the pain. Instead it is more like a mental euphoria. I feel more free when I am bound and beaten then I do when I am not. I can't explain the feelings so I won't try. All I know is that I love my Sir and the wicked, painful, and wholly wonderful things He does to my body.

Last night was one of those nights. I was angry at myself and wasn't even sure why. I had been feeling inadequate for several days. So I asked if He would please punish me. I don't usually have to ask, but since I had done nothing wrong He wasn't aware that I was in need of it. He ordered me to strip, lay face-down on the bed, and stay silent. Then He left the room. He didn't come back for several minutes. I was very frustrated at that point, which I guess was what His point was.

Lesson 1: Just because He had agreed to punish me when I asked doesn't mean He is going to do it until He has time.

I didn't even hear Him come back. One minute I was grumbling to myself into the mattress, the next biting said mattress as His belt came crashing down on my thighs. I was surprised and I yelped.

Lesson 2: stay quiet when ordered.

He then send a barrage of hits over my ass and thighs. This time I stayed silent. He moved His strokes up my back, then back down to my thighs. Every hit was a hot tingle of pain and ecstasy as it burned through my skin. Afterward He undressed and lay down beside me. I thanked Him and rolled onto my back. I didn't even wince when the flannel sheets rubbed my raw backside. He lay on top of me, holding me and kissing my face. He tucked my face into his shoulder and slid Himself inside me. We made love then He had me take a shower while He was on the computer. The night went on as most nights go. Everything was back the way it was before my spat of self-hatred. I went to the store and got groceries for the week. Then we ate and watched t.v.

Lesson 3: even though we are kinky we are still normal people living a normal life.

I wouldn't have it any other way.