Thursday, April 30, 2009

Hope on the Horizon

Finally after months of unemployment and no prospects I had a job interview yesterday. I am so excited and nervous. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter so I won't be disappointed if I don't get it, but it is so hard to believe that when I have been wanting a job for so long. There are just so few jobs to be had here. Sir will be graduating college in less than 2 weeks and His last class is Monday. With the end of His school also comes the end of the money and soon the new student loan bills will begin coming due. It frightens me. And even though this job is just a part-time job in a dirty book store, it will be money and a chance to get out of the house. I try not to think what will happen if I can't find a job. Sir assures me over and over that it doesn't matter and He will take care of things. I trust Him, I just worry so much. I don't want to put the pressure entirely on Him. I just want to make His life easier. I know He works so hard to take care of us and I want to help. So here is to hope in the hands of a dirty book store owner. Lets hope they are a hand hold and not a shove over the edge.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

The Feel Goods and Night-time Feel Bads

After posting yesterday I had a case of what I call "the feel goods". I was just in a really good mood all day. It was beautiful outside. I spent the morning with Sir. I helped Him with His German assignment. I enjoy languages much more than He does. Afterward He took me to spend some time with my aunts. It was a nice visit. I sat around with my cousins and talked about nothings. I joined my Aunt D in her office for awhile, both of us just reading and sharing bits of the stories with each other. All in all it was a nice day. I came home and got plenty of sleep. It was just a calm day, but I enjoyed myself. It was very pleasant to spend the day with people I love.

I wish that my dreams had cooperated though. As usual I had nightmares. That isn't the strange part. I guess the strange part was the subject matter.

I dreamed that I was with my best friend from high school. We were on vacation with his dad (who neither of us knew, he abandoned my friend when he was an infant). Things kept getting weirder. We went to a mall in Denver (I've never been to Denver or even to Colorado). There was a Korean guy selling food and all the rest of the shops were closed. He offered to tell us our fortunes. I turned around and my sister was there. She was grossly pregnant, but it looked unnatural and sick. She was shrunken with a huge misshapen belly that kept moving. I tried to run, but my friend told me we couldn't leave until we got our fortunes. He grabbed me and dragged me to the back of the shop. His dad was there. My sister stayed outside the shop. All three of the men threw me down and started to stab me and cut off my clothes with paring knives. I was on the floor naked and bleeding and they were all wearing identical leering grins. I just wanted to run, but like most dreams it was impossible. All three raped me starting with the shop owner, then the dad, then last of all was my best friend. As he began to climax I felt the knife in his hand at my throat. He whispered to me "Isn't this what you wanted?". Then he slashed and I felt the blood rush from my throat and his semen fill me at the same time.

I woke up fighting the covers, which were tangled around my arms. The nightmare was obvious in a way. I was thinking about my friend yesterday so he made his appearance. I was thinking about my sister (who got pregnant at 14). I was going to go to the mall and decided against it. All of that I understand. What I don't get is the role my friend was cast in. Ever since I met him he has been sweet and gentle. He loves animals and children. We dated a bit in junior high (kissing, holding hands), before he came out of the closet, and we've been nothing since best friends since then. Yes he can be arrogant, but it comes from an innocence I can't understand. He has always seemed better somehow than other people to me. He has a light in him where I have my void. Maybe my dreaming mind was trying to pervert that. I guess I don't have any answers. It will be good to see him again this summer. He's been away at college and has been working through holidays. I haven't seen him in almost a year. Hopefully seeing him will dispel some of the anxious feelings I've been having about him. Who knows?

Monday, April 27, 2009

More on "Secretary"

After seeing the movie Secretary I wondered what about it was most memorable, most eye and mind catching. Many scenes caught hold in my brain, but what surprised me most was that the scene that stuck with me the most was not overtly sexual or even that sexy at all.

The part that stayed with me has the main character sitting at a desk where she has been ordered not to move her hands or feet until he returns. Someone asks her in a nervous whisper "Is this some kind of sex thing?" She gives a wry chuckle and replies "Does it look like a sex thing?"

I loved that. Mostly just because for her D/s wasn't a "sex thing" it was much more. For me sex has little to do with our D/s. Yes sometimes being tied up and flogged will lead to sex, but not always and sex isn't the objective. The beatings, the chores, even being tied to the desk and made to be a cup holder for hours, all of it is so much more than sex could be for me. It means so much more to me.

When I was younger I knew there was something in me. I was told by my family that there was something wrong about me. They sensed it even though none of them knew what it was. I didn't even know. Whatever it was, it frightened them. Looking back I think they were just frightened by something they could sense but not name. A carnal fear of the unknown. As I grew up I tried to pretend I was happy being "normal", but it didn't matter. The other children hated me. Their parents kept them away from me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't hide that I was different. To me it felt that there was a hole deep inside. Nothing I did could fill it.

In high school everyone just left me alone. I did well in school, was involved in theater and volunteer projects, and in the end none of that mattered either. The adults in charge could still feel that I was different. I was never picked to be in charge of any committees or productions. I was never congratulated for doing well in anything. I was in short, passed over. I was an outsider on the inside. No matter how hard I worked or how much I tried, I was always looked at then passed over in favor of people who didn't.

This all sounds rather ridiculous when I read over it, but its very true. It didn't even really hurt by then. By the time I got to high school I was exhausted with trying to fit in. I still kept up my facade, but underneath I was just as empty and unfulfilled as ever. So I tried to fill it. I've already written here about my juvenile self-hurting days. In high school I continued to hurt myself, but it wasn't enough anymore. So I started trying other ways to fill the void. I drank alot and had more one night stands then should be possible at that age. The remarkable thing to me now is that no one knew. My best and only real friend in school knew because I told him, but even he had trouble believing me. It just wasn't part of my projected persona.

When I did finally settle on someone to date I got into a relationship I knew was doomed from the beginning. She was a year older than me and like me she had had a horrible childhood. I think I fell for her because we were both damaged in our own way. We were together for two years before I finally drove her away. I am surprised looking back that it took her so long to get fed up and leave me. When being with her didn't fill the hole, I started doing things to hurt her. Her pain didn't fill me either. I was more lost and alone after she left then I had been before. My mother knew something was wrong and tried to "snap me out of it". I snapped all right. Near the end of my senior year I had a break down and tried to slit my wrists. My mother came home early and found me. Her words in that instant will define her character for you, "Why would you do this to me?" I didn't speak to her for days.

Then two years ago I met Sir. I was still hurting and empty then. I don't know any better way to describe Him, other than He fills me. He fills up that empty void inside me. Don't think that it was some love at first sight, He fixed me bullshit. In real life that doesn't happen. That void that has been in me all my life is still there. I can still feel it. It will probably never go away. But my Sir fills it. Every command, every lash, and every kiss fills that void more completely than I ever hoped it could be filled. And this is why I am grateful to Him. It is not why I love Him.

I ask myself now why I wrote all this. I think that this story is like poison that has been sitting in me for a long time and in telling it, I am drawing the poison away from myself. Not really drawing it out of me because it is a part of me, but drawing it away from my heart so that it can't destroy me. Writing to an audience that may or may not exist or care is the best way I know how to do this. I should just keep this for myself, but there is a feeling of freedom in publishing it, even if it will never be read. And freedom to me is a wonderful feeling, especially when freedom comes with chains.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Movie Night

Tonight was movie night in our house. We love to rent movies to watch together on random days during the week. Movie night isn't any night in particular, just a random week night that we have time to watch something together. The selection for today was Secretary.

Now I had never seen it, but I had heard it was good from some of my friends. Sir doesn't usually like romances, but I convinced Him to at least watch the first part with me. Wow am I glad I did!

For those of you who have never seen the movie, it is about a young woman who is released from an institution for self-mutilation. She gets a job as a secretary for a lawyer who is very controlling. They begin an BDSM relationship. I'm not going to say any more. If you're curious then I suggest watching it. It is a great drama/romance movie. The plot is very easy to follow and the acting is amazingly accurate and touching. Sir actually watched it all with me and enjoyed it. I'm just surprised I finally found a movie we can watch that isn't a horror or action flick. :P

Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Ok I haven't posted in awhile because there wasn't anything to post about. We haven't been going anywhere or doing anything.

I've noticed in my life that when I am really upset with myself that I want to be hurt. Whenever I feel stupid or ugly or inadequate, pain and punishment make it better somehow. Maybe its because I feel I deserve it, but what matters isn't the reason, its the result. When I am depressed like that, the pain makes it go away. All of the disappointment and self-loathing just doesn't matter anymore.

When I was younger I would "fix" myself by cutting or hitting myself. It always made me ashamed and I hid it from everyone. When I got older I would pick fights with my lovers and goad them in to smacking or fighting me. I always felt bad about it. I hated using them like that. It wasn't fair and in the end it didn't help, it just made me feel worse about myself after the initial adrenaline wore off.

Then I met Sir. When we met He wasn't even aware that BDSM existed. He had always been a very disciplined man and was usually a very easygoing person. When I first told Him about BDSM and what I wanted, He wasn't sure whether He could do it. In His mind He wouldn't be able to do anything to hurt me because He loved me. Since then He has realized that causing me pain is what I need and love. Just because He flogs me, it doesn't mean He doesn't love me. To the contrary, I think it means He loves me more because its not in His nature.

To get back to the point, I have never thought of myself as a masochist. Normally I'm quite the wuss when it comes to pain. A stubbed toe can bring me to tears. But under the right circumstances I have realized that I love to receive pain. It focuses me, makes me feel like a more whole and centered person. I would not call myself a "pain-slut" though. I do not really get sexual pleasure from the pain. Instead it is more like a mental euphoria. I feel more free when I am bound and beaten then I do when I am not. I can't explain the feelings so I won't try. All I know is that I love my Sir and the wicked, painful, and wholly wonderful things He does to my body.

Last night was one of those nights. I was angry at myself and wasn't even sure why. I had been feeling inadequate for several days. So I asked if He would please punish me. I don't usually have to ask, but since I had done nothing wrong He wasn't aware that I was in need of it. He ordered me to strip, lay face-down on the bed, and stay silent. Then He left the room. He didn't come back for several minutes. I was very frustrated at that point, which I guess was what His point was.

Lesson 1: Just because He had agreed to punish me when I asked doesn't mean He is going to do it until He has time.

I didn't even hear Him come back. One minute I was grumbling to myself into the mattress, the next biting said mattress as His belt came crashing down on my thighs. I was surprised and I yelped.

Lesson 2: stay quiet when ordered.

He then send a barrage of hits over my ass and thighs. This time I stayed silent. He moved His strokes up my back, then back down to my thighs. Every hit was a hot tingle of pain and ecstasy as it burned through my skin. Afterward He undressed and lay down beside me. I thanked Him and rolled onto my back. I didn't even wince when the flannel sheets rubbed my raw backside. He lay on top of me, holding me and kissing my face. He tucked my face into his shoulder and slid Himself inside me. We made love then He had me take a shower while He was on the computer. The night went on as most nights go. Everything was back the way it was before my spat of self-hatred. I went to the store and got groceries for the week. Then we ate and watched t.v.

Lesson 3: even though we are kinky we are still normal people living a normal life.

I wouldn't have it any other way.