As my birthday gets closer, I feel the moodiness and minor depression that always accompanies it. I tell myself that I am not old enough to be depressed by my birthdays, but deep down I know that it has nothing to do with age. I have always been disappointed by my birthdays for as long as I can remember. The last time I actually had a birthday party was when I turned 11.
After that year, my mother either forgot my birthday entirely, or used it as an excuse to throw herself and her friends a party instead. I learned to dread my birthdays for these reasons. Even though I am on my own now, and have been, I still can't help the creeping depression that comes over me this time of year. I have tried to throw myself a party, but it always makes me feel even more lonely and sad.
I had hoped that this year would be different, now that Daddy and I are together. However, He told me that He can't make it here in time for my birthday. I knew that this would probably happen, but deep down I had hoped for a birthday miracle. I don't want to sound childish and greedy, but just this once I had hoped for a special day unlike the birthdays of the past. It sounds horrible of me to complain like this, but I can't stave off the disappointment I am feeling about it. I know that Daddy and I will have many more birthdays for me to celebrate, I just wanted the first one to be special in some way. I hate being this far apart from Daddy.
Ok I am going to stop whining and wallowing in self pity now. I hate to feel this selfish and childish. This is the little girl part of me I usually refuse to indulge and for good reason. I can't usually stand myself when I am like this. So I am going to push through this funk this year and be the best I can for Daddy. After all, that is what I have dedicated myself to.