One thing Daddy hates more than any single other thing I do is when I criticize myself harshly. I often believe that I am not good enough, and fear that I will never be good enough for Him. We have talked about it several times, and I thought I had it under control. However, last night I slipped up. I was talking with my cousin and another friend until my bedtime was past. Daddy text me not long after I noticed this. I ignored the text and tried to get them to leave so I could call Him like I'm supposed to. I didn't want Him to know that they were still here and that I wasn't ready for bed. I knew I was going to be in trouble so I tried to get them to leave before Daddy called.
Well as the phone rang, I panicked a bit. I told my cousin she had to go to bed and practically begged her and the friend to leave before I answered the phone. When I answered I could tell Daddy was pissed. His voice was low and gruff like it is when He is very upset. He asked why I was ignoring Him. I tried to keep a light voice as I told Him that I wasn't ignoring Him, I just wasn't tired yet. Big mistake. His voice was practically a deep growl as He told me He didn't care if I was tired or not, I was going to bed and that He shouldn't have let me stay up late the last two nights. He asked why I hadn't called Him like I was supposed to. I can't lie to Daddy so I told Him how I couldn't get my cousin to leave on time like He told me to and that I was still wound up from talking and joking with them and I didn't want Him to be angry or disappointed in me for not doing what He said to and that I just wasn't good enough. Mistake number two.
For anyone who hasn't had a long distance punishment, let me tell you, its worse than getting one from Daddy himself. He uses me as His proxy for giving out my punishments. So as you can imagine, they aren't nice or easy and He makes me do twice as much to myself because He knows it is a lot harder to hurt myself like I need.
First He had me dig my nails into my lower ass cheek as deep and as hard as I could. Then He sent me into the bathroom and made me kneel on the linoleum. Then He had me squeeze my chest down as hard as I could with my fingers and palm. This was especially hard because of the large size of my breasts, they don't go flat. Anyway then I had to look in the mirror and repeat to Him that I didn't deserve Him and smack myself in the face every time I said it. After three good, hard, cheek reddening slaps He let me stop. He asked me if I understood how wrong I was when I said that. I said Yes Daddy. He told me that it isn't up to me whether I'm good enough or not. As long as I am doing my best for Him, He said that it isn't my decision, its His. He said He will let me know if I need improvement, and mistakes don't make me less worthy, they make me human.
I know He is right. I gave up the ability to make that decision when I accepted Him as my Daddy Dom. I gave Him the power to decide and choose for me. I know this, it is just so hard with Him being so far away. I want to be with Him more than anything. I would have given almost anything to have been kneeling in His bathroom, waiting for His hand or belt to strike. Punishing myself is more of a punishment just because I would give almost anything for even the closeness of a slap. When I punish myself for Him, it just feels empty. I don't really know how to describe it. I guess its one of those things that you understand because you've been there, or you just don't get. Either way, I cannot wait until I am with Daddy. Only one more month.