Outdoor Fun

This past weekend the weather was spectacular. And being the arrogant exhibitionist I am I decided that Bear and I would play outside for the first time. He was nervous at first (I have neighbors but there is adequate foliage to block any peeping), but I know him well enough to know that the risk is what makes it exciting for him. He followed me out to the back deck and helped me remove the porch swing from its anchor frame.

I had him strip off his shirt and hold his wrists out so I could bind them together with white silk rope then I secured them over his head to the swing frame. I used my scarf to blindfold him then opened his mouth and put in the gag. I took up my blue suede flogger and started slow. I seldom beat Bear because we are both much more into mental domination. I love it when we do play hard though, mostly because I know he doesn't enjoy the pain alone. He submits and offers his body to me, not for his pleasure, but for mine. It is very touching and it makes me so proud of him. This also means he is vocal when we play and he squirms, which only gives me an excuse to torment him more. It is a wonderful, wicked game that we both enjoy on occasion.

Afterward, I admired the butterfly pattern my strikes marked on his back. I moved closer until I was standing in front of his blindfolded eyes and placed my hands on either side of his face. I spoke to him gently and removed his gag. I could tell he was fine and untied his hands and removed his blindfold. I rubbed his wrists to make sure his blood was circulating and handed him a drink. It was a very enjoyable day outside. :D

Things To Love... (Pt. 4)

5. His taste in music: It is wonderful that we have such a great musical relationship. Thats not to say that we always agree on every band (No Doubt), or that we are both in the mood for the same thing at the same time (which we rarely are). But we both do have many musical styles and bands in common that we do agree on (60s girl bands rock). Also it is fun to introduce him to new bands (Combichrist, which he loves) and to learn about new bands I had never heard before (Pixies, amazing!). I enjoy sharing and a certain closeness that comes from experiencing something so personal and touching with someone for the the first time.

Kinky Catch Up

I have noticed that other than touting the many wonderful things about my boy I really haven't written anything for months. So I have decided that it is quick update time.

First of all I have been trying to improve my rope skills for my boy. He loves bondage and decorative rope work so I have been learning new knots and experimenting with new designs. Last nite I used white silk rope to make a chest harness and interlocking corset on Bear. It actually looked good and I was bummed I didn't have a camera for documentation. I will have to get my hands on one soon.

Also I have always been curious about lactation and adult nursing. Recently my boy confided that he also had always wanted to try it. So we have been doing research on how to induce lactation even though I have never been pregnant. We have been using the Marmet Technique as well as suckling. So far it seems to be working. No milk yet, but my breasts and nipples are swelling and slightly sore. This is supposed to be normal. I am also considering taking herbs to naturally stimulate as well. Even if I don't have any milk yet, I still enjoy trying very much. Hopefully we will be able to get positive results soon. From the information I have found, it is also helpful that I am on birth control that hormonally simulates pregnancy. This should make it much easier.

My boy is also discovering he can handle much more pain than he thought. We have been experimenting with his pain tolerance to see not only how much punishment he can comfortably take, but also what types of things he prefers. He seems to enjoy the same types of toys I do, floggers and other impact play objects. Also like me, he dislikes stinging toys like canes. He is also able to play quite often. We have been having at least one play session every two or three days instead of once or twice a month. I am extremely proud of him and I can't even begin to describe how much I have really come to love and appreciate him these last few months especially.

I think thats enough for now. Hopefully everything will continue to improve. My vanilla life isn't going nearly as well, but I am still holding out hope for that to improve as well.

Things To Love... (Pt. 3)

4. His stubbornness: Usually this is considered a negative trait, but I don't see it that way. He is very strong willed and if he is insistent about something there is always a good reason. He can be very practical at times and helps to keep my feet on the ground when my mind is several steps ahead. He is always there with gentle reminders to eat or sleep when I have forgotten and he always makes sure I take care of myself when I would be neglectful of my own everyday needs. He knows when to take a stand and is not afraid to question things. He also refuses to let me overwhelm myself or work myself too hard. His stubbornness is a wonderful asset in our relationship and it is another thing I love about my boy.

Things To Love... (Pt. 2)

3. His smell: Yeah I know what you are probably thinking, but I'm completely serious. Whether he is freshly showered or sweaty from work my boy always smells great. I don't understand how he does it, but I wish I could bottle his smell. I love to run my fingers up the sides of his face into his hair and plant kisses on the top of his head just so I can bury my nose in his scent. I imagine its how angels would smell if they existed. I love to hold him in my arms and be enveloped in his sweet scent. :D

Things To Love...

2. Innocence: I love his innocence. Whether or not he is being shy or outgoing, sweet or stubborn there is an innocence and purity about him that shines like a beacon that blinds as it saves. It is an innocence I lost a long time ago, if I ever even had it to start with. It warms me and brings a smile to my face every day.

Almost Only Counts...

So to keep things short and moving at a fast pace I'm going to be brief. I almost lost my boy and it messed up my world and the way I think about my life. So in an effort to remind myself how lucky I am to still have him in my life I am going to try to list at least one reason why I am grateful by listing all the things that I love about him.

1. His kindness: He is one of the most kind-hearted men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He is more compassionate than I could ever be and I am grateful that he is there to temper my sternness with a kinder tone.

Playing in Public (Part 1)

I know this is belated, but vanilla life family emergencies and school have kept me at a constant state of emotional and physical drain. March 6th I played with Bear at a munch party for the first time. It was amazing and intense. I will write more later. Too exhausted tonight.

Rage

I have always had a terrible temper, but I can usually control it very well. I have only "lost it" completely twice in my life. However, last night was the first time I even came close to losing it since I was 16.

Last night my boy and I went to a small party that some of our vanilla friends were hosting. It was just a small get together out in the country with only 6 people there counting Bear and myself. He decided to stay sober so I started doing tequila shots with my hostess friend. I usually don't drink tequila because it tends to make me short tempered, but since I was with mostly people I knew and trusted it didn't seem like a bad idea. I didn't drink enough to get wasted, but I did have 6 tequila shots in less than an hour.

That is when the only guy at the party I didn't know started teasing my boy. I told him to knock it off because he was drunk and I didn't want to listen to it. He would quit for awhile, but he was so drunk that he would get bored and forget I just told him to fuck off.

Around 5 a.m. Bear started to fall asleep so my friend said we could stay in one of the extra rooms. I helped her make it up then took my boy to bed. He laid down and crashed almost immediately. I was relaxed but still awake. After about 30 minutes I heard the door open. I saw that drunk asshole sneaking into the room like he was gonna crawl in bed with us. I sat up and glared and told him to fuck off. He did, but he kept coming back every few minutes to fuck with me since he knew I was trying hard not to wake Bear up and I wouldn't do anything.

After the asshole came in for the fourth time, I had had enough. I stood up carefully and moved to the door where he was standing and told him to get out or I would fuck him up. He got pissed and started yelling so I grabbed him by the throat and shoved him backwards over the t.v. This is when everyone else noticed something was going on. They tried to calm him down, but he was drunk and stupid and yelling his head off, trying to get up and come after me. Everyone else was holding him back and this is when Bear woke up. He had his hands on my waist like he was going to hold me back, but I wasn't about to let him get involved. My instincts were kicking in hard and my only thought was Bear's safety and well-being. I was fully ready to rip that drunk motherfucker apart, but I knew I couldn't loose it because Bear would get involved and I didn't want him to be.

Long story short, my friends talked him into the kitchen to try to calm his drunk ass down while Bear and I got our stuff and left. I was so pissed and at the edge of my control by the time I got to the car that my whole body was shaking violently. It took me a long time to calm down enough to sleep after that.

I think one thing nobody but my boy understands is that I am a very avaricious person. When something is mine, it is MINE, end of story. And nobody messes with my things. I protect and care for my own and fuck everybody else. That is how I am and always have been. Even when I am feeling submissive, I am still possessive over things that are mine. Bear is my boy and I would have killed that drunk motherfucker for hurting his feelings in a heartbeat.

Too Spoiled?

Lately I have really stepped back and realized how spoiled my boy really is. He grew up as essentially an only child and was always spoiled by his mother. This has made him a bit immature about some things. Mostly it is just being too selfish. Its not that he doesn't care about me or what I want, he just is so used to being taken care of that he doesn't think about how much work I have to put into it.

I love him, but sometimes I want things to be about me and only me. I want to get what I want without feeling like I'm a selfish bitch. It is so strange to me to care so deeply about his feelings that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and what I want for him. Maybe that is what love is...but if so what does that say about the way he feels? I honestly think he just doesn't think about it. I feel he takes me for granted. I just want to feel special and I've told him this. And when he remembers me, I do feel like the only and best woman in the world...but more often than not I feel as if I'm an afterthought.

I guess I just don't know what to think, let alone what to say to him.

February Make-Over

I decided to give my blog a romantic make-over in honor of Valentine's Day. I am a little nervous about the holiday this year because it was always a special day when I was with Sir. I hope that I won't ruin things because of that. I don't have much experience with relationships honestly. Before I was married, I was the love 'em then leave 'em type. I didn't ever really date or anything so I'm nervous about what to do. Bear has said that he wants to take control of the holiday which is fine with me since I don't know what to do.

I am the rose of Sharon,
and the lily of the valleys.
As the lily among thorns,
so is my love among the daughters.

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood,
so is my beloved among the sons.
I sat down under his shadow with great delight,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
Stay me with flagons,
comfort me with apples:
for I am sick of love.
His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand doth embrace me.

I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem,
by the roes, and by the hinds of the field,
that ye stir not up, nor awake my love,
till he please.

The voice of my beloved!

Behold, he cometh
leaping upon the mountains,
skipping upon the hills.
My beloved is like a roe or a young hart:
behold, he standeth behind our wall,
he looketh forth at the windows,
showing himself through the lattice.

My beloved spake, and said unto me,
Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.

For, lo, the winter is past,
the rain is over and gone;
the flowers appear on the earth;
the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;
the fig tree putteth forth her green figs,
and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell.

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock,
in the secret places of the stars,
let me see thy countenance,
let me hear thy voice;
for sweet is thy voice,
and thy countenance is comely.

Take us the foxes, the little foxes,
that spoil the vines:
for our vines have tender grapes.

My beloved is mine, and I am his:
he feedeth among the lilies.
Until the day break,
and the shadows flee away,
turn, my beloved,
and be thou like a roe or a young hart
upon the mountains of Bether.

-Second Song of Solomon

Appendectomy and Other Fun

Ok I had every intention of writing again way sooner than this, but the last month has been insane. Bear went into the hospital the week before his birthday to have his appendix out. He was sick and in the hospital for a little less than a week. Then he had to make sure he didn't pull his stitches or re-injure himself for 6 weeks after they released him. He was in a ton of pain for weeks. It was killing me to see him so miserable, especially since there was absolutely nothing I could do to help. Thank the Gods that he is recovered and doing fine now.

Then after that drama there was the insanity of the holiday season. *shudder* Enough said about that.

Finally the spring semester just started and because I'm me I have 5 classes right now. Homework is a giant, constantly crushing weight. Bear is taking 3 of the same classes which is mostly helpful. Although since I still have yet to find a job and he works 5 days a week, I end up being responsible for both of our schedules. This does not bother me.

Lately things have felt strange between us. He is still the sweet, wonderful submissive that I love most of the time, but sometimes it feels like he is fighting me even when I am doing what he wants. I don't know if it is just a defiant streak in his nature, or if there is a problem he doesn't want to talk about. I have prompted him to speak to me if something is bothering him several times, but he insists there is nothing wrong. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive and jumping at nothing.

It could always just be good old fashioned stress putting both of us on edge. We are both under pressure to save money and do well in school and maybe this is just a side effect. Whatever the case, I want my sweet boy to be my sweet girl again. It seems like forever since I made him feel like his sissy self that he hides from the rest of the world. I think I may have a long overdue surprise for him tonight, depending on how he seems after work. :)

Bad Luck

I know I haven't been writing alot lately, but that is mostly due to a month long string of horrible luck. I lost my job, my car died, I got behind in classes because of the job that I lost, I was very sick for over a month, and other smaller crappy things. So long story short things have been pretty terrible here since the end of October. The only bright spot in this whole ordeal has been my Bear. He has been a true blessing and I honestly don't think I would have survived the last few months without him. If I ever do break down and let you read my blog sweetheart, know that you are wonderful and I am grateful the universe saw fit to bring you into my life.

That being said, I need to finish up with schoolwork so I will have to catch everyone up on my first play party with Bear next time I have some "me time".

Silken

Earlier this week I had Bear wear one of his new pairs of panties. This pair is black and white gingham silk with a large border of black lace around the thighs and a small black bow right in the middle. They fit perfectly at first, especially in the back. His ass was so cute with the shear fabric hugging the supple curves. I couldn't keep my hands and lips off him. I laid him down on his back on the bed and tied his wrists together over his head with my white silk rope while he was wearing nothing but his new panties. I slowly kissed all over his body, avoiding the one place he wanted me to kiss. I ordered him to keep silent and still while I continued to tease him with kisses and bites all over. When I could tell he was ready I made him beg me for what he wanted. By that time he could hardly speak, but I made sure he addressed me correctly and begged me like the sweet little bitch he is.

I fucked his sweet girly ass for the first time then. I have been slowly playing with his slit and his tight little fuck-hole for the last few days to get him ready for me. He did really well for his first time. I didn't fuck him too hard or too long because I know how sensitive my little bitch is. I just wanted to stretch him out a bit so I can fuck him right soon. Even though I could tell he was a little bit uncomfortable he was still begging for more like a good little slut. I can tell that we will have tons of fun once I get him ready to take me right.

Afterward, I told him to shower like normal except I wanted him to shave his legs this time. He was nervous because he had never shaved them before. He did his best but I could still see spots where he missed after he was done. So before he got dressed or dried off I put him back in the shower and this time I shaved his legs perfectly smooth. He couldn't stop saying how weird it felt, but every time I looked over at him that night he was rubbing them together or running his hand over them. Not that I blame him, I couldn't keep my hands off him the rest of the night. There is nothing sexier than a sissy with smooth legs and silky panties laying in your bed. :)

An Excellent Evening

I took Bear out to a nice dinner tonight. It was wonderful. We went to a Japanese restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you at the table. It was absolutely delicious and we had a great time. After dinner, we went to Cirilla's (which for those of you who don't know is an adult store) and bought goodies. I bought myself a black satin corset trimmed in black lace. It fits beautifully which is why I spent the $80 for it. For him I bought a small, ribbed, silicone vibrator and some lacy white panties. He doesn't know it yet, but I plan on introducing him to anal sex in the near future. However, he does know that the panties are for him and I can tell he is both excited and nervous about it. Wearing them has been a fantasy of his for a very long time and he is apprehensive about finally having it come true. I'm just plain-old excited. I love the way a sissy looks in white panties. It turns me on like nothing else. I can't wait until we finally get enough time to play. Its been too long since I've had a male subbie to play with. I'm sure he can't wait either. :)

Patience Has Its Rewards

So I guess accepting the way things are and having patience has paid off in a big way for me. Although we are still taking things slow for the time being, Bear has decided to submit fully to me. He is mine and I can't even begin to describe the absolute wave of emotion that overtakes me when I think those words. It is the most euphoric and terrifying feeling I've ever had. He makes me feel like I am more myself, more complete and knowing that he is mine is an amazing thing. I am so grateful that I was able to find such a wonderful submissive when I was least looking for him. I feel like I have been given an amazing opportunity and I don't intend to squander a second of it. When I think the word "Mine" his face is what I see and vice versa. It is almost like he is part of me. I can read his every movement and expression so clearly. We are so in tune with each other it almost feels like telepathy. We just gravitate around each other without giving it a thought. Most times we don't even have to speak, every look says volumes. I can't believe we have only known each other for 6 weeks. It feels like lifetimes.

Standing Still

Things are still at a stand still in my life. I have filed the divorce papers, but I have to wait 60 days for it to be final. Bear and I are still on pause as well. I feel like I am just waiting for everything right now. However, I don't mind it as much as I would have once. I feel like it is a much needed lesson in patience. I appreciate the chance to test my ability to wait and curb some of the impulsiveness I have been developing in the last few years. It is difficult, but I am managing pretty well.

There is really nothing else to say other than waiting, waiting, and waiting some more. :)

Exhausted

Between preparing everything for the divorce, school, and packing I am thoroughly exhausted. I have a ton of things to do and not much time to do them. I am also essentially broke until I get my student loan refund which should be next week. I just hope I can get everything to come together. Preferably before I collapse. I am so thankful I have Bear to help me with everything. Even though we are not technically dating or doing anything naughty, we are still close. I can't wait until I am moved out and settled on my own as a single woman. I only hope everything goes well. Wish me luck.

Changes

Sir and I are getting a divorce. We have been separated and sleeping apart for over a month. All that needs to be done is filing the paperwork and getting my things ready to move out. It will take another two or three months to get it finalized. We have just grown apart. Because of the pending divorce I have told Bear that we need to take a break for awhile until I get settled in a new place and get steady work.

The Other Half of My Soul

I have found the other half of my soul. I'm not really sure how I lived before. The moment I met him we connected. His name is Bear. It was incredible. I never realized how incomplete I felt before. We are perfect for each other. He is a slave and he definitely brings out my Domme side. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect person. He is everything I have been missing in my life. We have not spent a day apart yet. I dread it because it is hard enough being apart for a few hours. When we are together I don't want to let him go. I always feel so content when he is near me and when we part it feels wrong. He soothes me like no one else ever has and when we are together I feel whole.