Friday, March 19, 2010

In a Funk

You would think that after spending my whole life in a depressive fugue I would be doing as much as possible to avoid it. But it has recently been brought to my attention that I really have no right to be upset that I am unhappy and depressed. After all, I am not doing anything to make myself happy. I am mostly just doing things that I think should make me happy. I guess I don't really think things through before I do them. The end result being that I keep getting myself into situations that trap me in a kind of depression. Doing things with no forethought is not a good idea. It just got me a whole new set of difficult and painful problems.

I can't blame things on Sir. I knew who He was when I agreed to marry Him. I think now that I should have said no. But I do love Him. He just isn't what I need in a partner. I feel horrible about even thinking that, much less typing it, but its true. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I have stayed for the right reasons. Whether its because I love Him or if its because I'm afraid to leave and be on my own. And I hate that I even have to ask that. The fact that I love Him seems secondary. I don't want to hurt Him, but I'm not even sure if leaving would hurt more than if I stayed at this point. I can't think straight. I feel so empty and confused. I just wish I knew what to do. I think I need some time away from Him, but I have nowhere to go. I have no family or friends to stay with and I'm not even sure space is the best thing for us. It worked in the past, but who's to say it will work this time. Besides it obviously wasn't a permanent fix last time. Where is the user manual for relationships????

I just want to know what is best, and even though I know I'm the only one who can answer that question, I'm not sure how to even begin.

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