Whats A sub Without A Dom?

Daddy wanted me to come to Him. He was going to buy my ticket and I was going to leave last Thursday. It was everything I had wanted, everything I had dreamed about for months. But Wednesday night, I knew I couldn't do it.

I called Him and told Him I couldn't go. I didn't know why then and I still don't know why. Something inside of me just wouldn't allow me to take that step. I am heartbroken, and not just for myself. I hurt the one man that has truly seen what I am. I did the one thing I never wanted to do again. I hurt someone I love. Not even accidentally, but by purposely doing something that I knew would hurt another person to the core. Its times like this I ask what is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Its too late now. I just hope my instincts were right and that there really is a reason I stayed. There are plenty of "practical" reasons, I just wonder what my heart was thinking this time.

Sick

I'm sick. This is the first time this fall I've been sick, but I know it will only go downhill from here. I'm always sick in the winter, my immune system sucks. Hopefully I will get over it and not be sick again for awhile, but its unlikely. I always feel miserable anytime I'm sick. I hate to lay around with nothing to do. It makes me feel lazy and worthless. Anyway being sick means I probably won't post for awhile, at least until I feel better.

Sleep, Revisited

Ok this will probably be a short post. I am very tired and rather pissed. One of the hazards of sleeping on someone's couch, is the possibility of being woken up at odd hours. Its usually not a big deal, but Friday nights are the worst. Last night I was going to sleep at 2. Not even a minute after I lay down, my cousins and their friends came running through and woke me up. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but one of his friends decided that he wanted to sit and talk to me. They were all pretty drunk, so I humored him for awhile. Long story short, I didn't get to bed until 5. I had to trick them out the door, then lock it. Then this morning I got woken up several times between 9 and 11, which is when I finally gave up on sleep altogether.

Sometimes I want to yell and scream and kick ass. I don't. I may think about it and really want to, but mostly I don't have it in me. I don't know if that makes me a better person or not. If it does, I have to wonder what the standards of decentcy have come to lately.

His Reasons

I was feeling pretty down the other day and Daddy knew it. He could tell something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was so we just talked for a bit and I hung up for the night. The next time I checked my email, I noticed that I had gotten a couple from Him. One was a story to go along with one I wrote for Him a while back. The other was a list of reasons. He had written it to cheer me up and it sure worked. I was crying by the time I finished the story, and sobbing by the time I read the reasons. He told me I could post it here, as long as I promised not to "fix" His punctuation. He told me that He wrote it that way because that is how He thinks. (i.e. comma free). He knows that I am the Comma Queen when it comes to writing. I love commas and use them even when it isn't warranted. So here is the email I got from Him in its original, unpunctuated form.

Reasons:

I don't really where to start my love. I just want to let you know how special you are to me. From the minute I started to think about you this just poured forward.

I love you because you are smart you love to laugh even at my cheesy jokes you are open with me you never doubt me when i do things that are good for you, you always make time for us you always watch my back you always make me feel better when I am low you always listen to me even when you don't want to you are willing to do anything for me/us you always tell me when you do the wrong things you always work your hardest to make up for mistakes you always keep yourself open to the world even though you don't like the people in it you always make it your business to take care of everything you always do your chores you are willing to always keep an open mind and the best reason for this whole list: YOU are the reason. you are the best reason in the world.

I love you my little one. You are daddy's angel. You are my heart. You are my love. Daddy loves you.

I wish so many things. But You are the best reason to keep me going. And we are going to do this. Daddy needs you.

Not Much to Say

I really don't have much to say today, but I feel obligated to post at least every other day. I have been going back and forth rapidly lately in my emotional state. I will go from depressed to energetic to happy to lethargic in a matter of hours. Sometimes I can't sit still, other times it seems like a chore to even get up off the couch. Right now I feel so energetic I can barely stand to sit and write this.

I feel sometimes that I am tingling all over and like I am going to explode if I don't get up and go somewhere. Too bad I can't go the only place I want to go. I want to be with Daddy. I feel like I have to be there with Him. Every time I think about Him, which is almost every moment of my life, the tingly, exploding feeling increases and I can feel the skin on my scalp tighten. I need to leave and be with Him. I want to be cautious and I want to throw caution to the wind. How can I be so conflicted?

He is what I want, but I know I need to be patient. It is just so hard to be patient when every nerve in my body is screaming constantly that I have to be there with Him. I hate being separated from Him. It probably doesn't help that I am currently camping on my aunts' couch. I have always hated feeling like a nuisance. I know they don't think of me that way, but I feel like I'm in the way.

If it weren't for Daddy's daily phone calls, my books, and my ipod, I would have gone crazy already. I need distraction from my thoughts. I can feel my thoughts building in my brain, threatening to overwhelm me. I have to stay strong, even though all I want to do I curl up and cry most of the time. I am just so ready to take this next step into my new life and I feel like I am being held back by things that shouldn't and won't matter in such a short time. I know its childish, but I can't help but want to stomp my foot and pout that its not fair. Lifes not fair, that is one thing I have learned and believe whole-heartedly.

Birthdays

As my birthday gets closer, I feel the moodiness and minor depression that always accompanies it. I tell myself that I am not old enough to be depressed by my birthdays, but deep down I know that it has nothing to do with age. I have always been disappointed by my birthdays for as long as I can remember. The last time I actually had a birthday party was when I turned 11.

After that year, my mother either forgot my birthday entirely, or used it as an excuse to throw herself and her friends a party instead. I learned to dread my birthdays for these reasons. Even though I am on my own now, and have been, I still can't help the creeping depression that comes over me this time of year. I have tried to throw myself a party, but it always makes me feel even more lonely and sad.

I had hoped that this year would be different, now that Daddy and I are together. However, He told me that He can't make it here in time for my birthday. I knew that this would probably happen, but deep down I had hoped for a birthday miracle. I don't want to sound childish and greedy, but just this once I had hoped for a special day unlike the birthdays of the past. It sounds horrible of me to complain like this, but I can't stave off the disappointment I am feeling about it. I know that Daddy and I will have many more birthdays for me to celebrate, I just wanted the first one to be special in some way. I hate being this far apart from Daddy.

Ok I am going to stop whining and wallowing in self pity now. I hate to feel this selfish and childish. This is the little girl part of me I usually refuse to indulge and for good reason. I can't usually stand myself when I am like this. So I am going to push through this funk this year and be the best I can for Daddy. After all, that is what I have dedicated myself to.

Punishment

One thing Daddy hates more than any single other thing I do is when I criticize myself harshly. I often believe that I am not good enough, and fear that I will never be good enough for Him. We have talked about it several times, and I thought I had it under control. However, last night I slipped up. I was talking with my cousin and another friend until my bedtime was past. Daddy text me not long after I noticed this. I ignored the text and tried to get them to leave so I could call Him like I'm supposed to. I didn't want Him to know that they were still here and that I wasn't ready for bed. I knew I was going to be in trouble so I tried to get them to leave before Daddy called.

Well as the phone rang, I panicked a bit. I told my cousin she had to go to bed and practically begged her and the friend to leave before I answered the phone. When I answered I could tell Daddy was pissed. His voice was low and gruff like it is when He is very upset. He asked why I was ignoring Him. I tried to keep a light voice as I told Him that I wasn't ignoring Him, I just wasn't tired yet. Big mistake. His voice was practically a deep growl as He told me He didn't care if I was tired or not, I was going to bed and that He shouldn't have let me stay up late the last two nights. He asked why I hadn't called Him like I was supposed to. I can't lie to Daddy so I told Him how I couldn't get my cousin to leave on time like He told me to and that I was still wound up from talking and joking with them and I didn't want Him to be angry or disappointed in me for not doing what He said to and that I just wasn't good enough. Mistake number two.

For anyone who hasn't had a long distance punishment, let me tell you, its worse than getting one from Daddy himself. He uses me as His proxy for giving out my punishments. So as you can imagine, they aren't nice or easy and He makes me do twice as much to myself because He knows it is a lot harder to hurt myself like I need.

First He had me dig my nails into my lower ass cheek as deep and as hard as I could. Then He sent me into the bathroom and made me kneel on the linoleum. Then He had me squeeze my chest down as hard as I could with my fingers and palm. This was especially hard because of the large size of my breasts, they don't go flat. Anyway then I had to look in the mirror and repeat to Him that I didn't deserve Him and smack myself in the face every time I said it. After three good, hard, cheek reddening slaps He let me stop. He asked me if I understood how wrong I was when I said that. I said Yes Daddy. He told me that it isn't up to me whether I'm good enough or not. As long as I am doing my best for Him, He said that it isn't my decision, its His. He said He will let me know if I need improvement, and mistakes don't make me less worthy, they make me human.

I know He is right. I gave up the ability to make that decision when I accepted Him as my Daddy Dom. I gave Him the power to decide and choose for me. I know this, it is just so hard with Him being so far away. I want to be with Him more than anything. I would have given almost anything to have been kneeling in His bathroom, waiting for His hand or belt to strike. Punishing myself is more of a punishment just because I would give almost anything for even the closeness of a slap. When I punish myself for Him, it just feels empty. I don't really know how to describe it. I guess its one of those things that you understand because you've been there, or you just don't get. Either way, I cannot wait until I am with Daddy. Only one more month.