I'm sure that if anyone out there has been reading my blog for the last year or two, you are sick of hearing about my self-centered babbling about how unhappy I generally am. For those people, I recommend skipping this post because that is all its going to be.
I am so sick of being so fucking unhappy. Daddy told me recently that being unhappy about who and what you are is like acid. It eats away at your core. I fully agree. Hardly a moment goes by that I don't feel it eating me away. I can't stop crying and hating myself. I can't change for my husband and it makes me hate that part of me that loves, craves, and ultimately needs everything that BDSM offers. I hate that who I am and what I need has yet again made me a failure. Once again, I'm not good enough or normal enough for something I want to work. I really thought that I could be happy vanilla if I just tried hard enough. Instead I just succeeded in making a mess out of my life and His too.
I hate that I will end up hurting Him. I hate that I can't change. I hate myself. And all that hate is eating away at me. I cannot keep going like this. Something has got to give, and soon. I think I will go insane if I keep going like this much longer. I can't handle it.
What happened to fairness? What happened to work hard to succeed? What happened to all you need is love? Where is the fairness in this? I've worked hard. I'm still trying. I've given and received more love than I've ever felt. So where is my happy ending? So where is my successful marriage? And where the fuck is my happiness?