Too Spoiled?

Lately I have really stepped back and realized how spoiled my boy really is. He grew up as essentially an only child and was always spoiled by his mother. This has made him a bit immature about some things. Mostly it is just being too selfish. Its not that he doesn't care about me or what I want, he just is so used to being taken care of that he doesn't think about how much work I have to put into it.

I love him, but sometimes I want things to be about me and only me. I want to get what I want without feeling like I'm a selfish bitch. It is so strange to me to care so deeply about his feelings that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and what I want for him. Maybe that is what love is...but if so what does that say about the way he feels? I honestly think he just doesn't think about it. I feel he takes me for granted. I just want to feel special and I've told him this. And when he remembers me, I do feel like the only and best woman in the world...but more often than not I feel as if I'm an afterthought.

I guess I just don't know what to think, let alone what to say to him.

Yeah I Know, Long Time No See

I thought it would be awhile before I had the time and inclination to post again. Now that the holidays are over I should have alot more time to write more regularly. Alot has happened in the last couple months.

I would say the biggest thing (at least to me) was being collared. A few weeks ago my husband and I had a talk about depression. It is something I have fought with since early adolescence and it gets pretty bad sometimes. We were talking about the total sense of uselessness I have been feeling ever since I lost my job several months ago. Long story short: that discussion finally made him realize what D/s is to me. It gave him a vantage point to understand because he had dealt with depression before as well. For some reason having that talk helped him to really understand my particular take on D/s and what I need in that kind of relationship.

So fast forward to last week. Ever since we had that talk, he has been more Dominant than ever. I mean truly Dominant, not just the act he put on in the bedroom every now and again. Nothing had really changed between us, it was just different. Its like he knew what to do the whole time, he just had to understand to use it.

Now fast forward again to today. We went to the store and ran errands all day. Got home and I put away the groceries. He said he wanted a soda and was going to go the the gas station to get a huge fountain soda. I didn't think anything of it. He got home as I was finishing up putting everything away. He stood and watched me then told me he had a surprise for me. I turned around and he had a smile on his face and a thin, black leather collar in his hands. I'm pretty sure I squeaked in surprise. It even had a shiny silver tag with our names on it. I held still while he put it on and thanked him profusely.

I am so incredibly happy and grateful. I was worried that it wouldn't last, that he would get sick of being Sir to me. He has assured me that He actually prefers our relationship that way as long as I am ok with it. We just seem closer and stronger now.
Ok I'm done gushing now. I guess the important thing to readers is that Sir now refers to my husband and my posts will be labeled as such from now on. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! I know I did.

New Toy!

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Catch Up

Ok I know I've been bad. I've been neglecting to post. *slaps hand* Bad girl. Anyway, so I went to the Munch Saturday. I am sooooo glad I did! It was so much fun. I got to meet so many new people. I don't remember all the names, but in my defense I was a little overwhelmed. I hope no one gets offended. I fully plan on going to the next one on Friday and the Early Bloomers Munch for 18-35 year olds on Saturday afternoon. I think my husband might go with me, but I'm not sure. He still isn't really comfortable with it yet.

For me, finding others into BDSM was an epiphany. I felt like I found a place to meet others and feel less alone. For my husband it isn't. He is still uncomfortable with the lifestyle and his feelings about being Dominated. I am hoping to help him be more comfortable with it and accept it. Its just hard because he spent most of his life pretending he didn't need anything or anyone. It makes it hard for him to open up to others and be himself. Little by little he is getting more comfortable and suprises me daily. I can't help but be proud of him.

Switch

I've always known that I can act dominant. I have always acted decisive and confident in my everyday life. But I have always considered myself a submissive person. If I was ever confronted by someone who was a dominant person, my first reaction was to back down and become docile. Even though I didn't always, I still always wanted to submit to anyone who seemed to be truly dominant.

I think this is one reason I felt so awkward when my husband tried to Dom for me when I told him what I wanted. He isn't a Dom. He is a dominant person to the outside world, but it felt so uncomfortable to have him be my Dom. I just didn't feel that need to submit that I feel with others. I guess this was my first clue that he wasn't a dominant at all.

Last night I brought it up with him. We usually don't talk about "my kink" much anymore. I think it makes him feel inadequate because he can't Dom me. Anyway, I told him of my suspicions. He admitted that his best orgasms happened when I was mocking or belittling him, or acting like I'm bored or he isn't turning me on.

So I Dommed him. I actually started to enjoy it. It was nice to see my straight macho husband begging me to let him cum like a little bitch while I fucked his ass. I didn't go easy on him, but he just begged me for more anyway. It was good to work out some of my frustrations on him. It wasn't good in the same way that being Dom(med) but it was good in another way.

I never really considered myself a switch before. Maybe now I will have to reconsider that. I never thought I would enjoy Domming, but I think that with him I really do. I have always said that people should try everything once...maybe in this case I will have to try it again! Too bad this still doesn't solve my problems with what I want in a relationship.

A Community Affair

Lately I've been pretty lonely. I've been wanting someone to talk to who knows and understands my submissive self. I just want a friend to talk to about how I am feeling since Daddy and I split and I moved back in with my husband. I feel like I am so alone. I can't talk to my husband about it obviously, he cringes whenever I even mention it. To him, those two months when I was moved out never happened. This makes it hard for me. I don't have any friends at all where we live and I don't know anyone in the "lifestyle" except my Aunts, but I want to talk to a friend my age, not a relative. I know this is picky and probably whiny, but I seriously need an outlet to be childish sometimes.

Enter munches. I have known about munches for awhile now, but could never find one nearby. Well I finally found one. Its a half hour drive, but its well worth it to me. I really want to go just to meet people and find a friend, or at least be around others like me. I just don't know what my husband will think about it. He doesn't really like the idea of me meeting groups of people without him, but I could never ask him to go. He is very uncomfortable with the BDSM scene in general. Its just not his thing. I know he is afraid I will "hook up" with someone, but as I understand it that isn't what munches are for. Its more like AA. Its a meeting for people into BDSM, not a singles bar. I just want to feel like I'm not so alone. I just don't know if he will like it, but I feel like if I don't go I will go crazy. Maybe I will work up the courage to talk to him about it, I just hope it won't hurt our relationship.

Gagging

So I've been thinking alot about gags lately. Since I am once again on the vanilla side of the relationship spectrum, there is alot I've been thinking about when it comes to D/s. But I digress. One slightly kinky thing my husband does like is breath play. He loves to choke me when he cums and I am more than willing to take anything I can get that makes me feel Dominated. Which brings me to my original point: gags.

There are sooooo many different kinds. My personal favorite however is the ball gag. Its a classic and there is nothing like biting down on the rubber ball and trying to breath with your entire mouth blocked. Its the best. I love being gagged. I have been thinking alot about getting one and then getting my husband to use it sometimes. I have no idea if this would work, but even if he doesn't want to use it I can still gag myself when he isn't home. Hehe.

Anyway I found this wonderful picture that I love. Its so raw and powerful. The look of total and grateful submission on the woman's face speaks to me so much, especially now. Enjoy!

Vanilla...Not Just for Pudding Anymore!

Some days I wish I were vanilla. My life would be so much easier without my need for Dominance. I need to feel submissive in my relationships, but most vanilla guys just can't handle that. They want an "equal partnership". And when I try to explain that its ok to use me in any and every way they can think of, they look at me like I'm nuts.

There is a real difference between being a person with a dominant personality type, and actually being a Dominant. Vanilla dominants just can't ever be a Dom no matter how much you love each other and want it to work. Even if everything else is great, you have to ask yourself how important is your submission? Because if the relationship can work vanilla style, but never with any kink, that question becomes very important.

You can try to drop the kink and live vanilla, but is it satisfying? Its not for me. That is why I have Daddy. He knows and understands me and what I need more completely than my husband. I love my husband, but I know now that he will never be everything I need. So now I am forced to choose: my unsatisfying vanilla life with my husband, or my satisfying life of adultery with Daddy.

I really wish I could "do the right thing" and go back to my husband and drop the kink forever and life a "normal" vanilla life and be happy. That last part is the problem, happiness. The last time I tried this way, I wasn't really very happy at all. I felt like I was hiding a big secret and constantly wearing a mask so he wouldn't see what I needed. Daddy saw through the mask like it wasn't even there. He gives me everything I need and I am so grateful for everything He does for me. But the fact remains, I am married. I just wish I didn't have to choose.

Phoned

I talked to Daddy today. I feel scared and excited every time I hear His voice. I can't help but want to do whatever He says, to tell Him everything. I know that I hurt Him very, very badly when I didn't go like we planned. I want to make it up to Him. I know now that no one can replace Him, no matter how much I care for them. He is my Daddy Dom and no one can ever take His place in my heart. I love Him with all of me, the true me, and I know that despite doubts, I am and always have been His.

Collared

I've noticed that in many D/s relationships ( especially the Master/slave relationship) collaring plays a big role. The Master or Dominant will present Their submissive with a collar as a symbol of their status as the sub in the relationship. Most of the Masters will actually use it as a symbol of Their slaves ownership. My thought is why can't it be more than that?

To me being collared by Daddy does not mean He owns me, rather that I have given myself to Him. To me there is a big difference. Daddy has told me many times before that just because I have given myself over to Him, I am not property. He does not own me and wouldn't want to. He loves me and just because I have given Him complete control of my life, doesn't mean that He wants me to be His slave. That is not the kind of relationship we have. I know that it is right for some people, but not for us.

I love Daddy and when I am collared I will show it off with pride. To me it is a symbol of my commitment to Him and our relationship. When He places it around my neck, I will never take it off. Only He can do that, and I know He wouldn't do that unless absolutely necessary for our safety and/or comfort. A married woman would not remove her wedding ring to go into public, just like I would not remove my collar. To me it would be more embarrassing to be without it, than it would be to wear it. It shows the outside world that I am proud of being my Daddy's girl and I would never hide that.

Age Play and Incest

One of the most common misconceptions I seem to encounter everywhere is about incest and age play. People seem to think that just because I love Daddy so much, I must want to sleep with my birth father, or that I pretend I am Daddy's actual child. While this may be true for some people (I can't speak for everyone) it is definitely not the case with Daddy and I. Yes He is 5 years my senior. Yes I call Him Daddy. But no, I don't even begin to consider Him a replacement for my birth father, whom I do have a normal, healthy, and loving relationship with.

I have never wanted to engage in incestuous relationships with anyone, especially not my father. The relationship between Daddy and I is not about the words we label each other, but the love and respect we mutually share. The word daddy brings with it feelings of security, trust, and unconditional love. Daddy is a nurturer by nature and loves to guide me and make me the best possible person I can be. He is gentle and loving, but can be stern and unyielding when it is in my best interest. He is strict, but only because He truly loves me and cares for my well-being. In return for His unconditional love and guidance, I offer Him complete obedience and respect. I respect Him for who He is and what He is doing for me. I trust Him completely and am completely honest and open in all things. Without this trust and respect, what we have is not possible. He recognizes my feelings for Him as the valuable gift they are and loves me for the trust and adoration I place in Him.

I trust Daddy more than anyone in my life. I always trust His judgement, and His decisions always override mine. I know that I cannot always make the best decisions for myself, and if our opinions differ, I always take His advice and instructions. He has never misled me yet. Yes, I realize Daddy is a person and can make mistakes, but I know that any decision He makes will be for my own good, and if it is wrong then it is through no fault of His. He would never try to do anything to jeopardize my safety, trust, or general well-being.

Although there is a gap in our ages, it is not any wider than one found in a "normal" relationship, and honestly not as wide as some. This age gap has absolutely no bearing on our relationship. It doesn't affect us anymore than in other relationships where one person is slightly older than the other. I hate that people not only misconstrue the nature of our relationship, but try to twist it into a sick perversion. Even some people familiar with the BDSM lifestyle have been confused and replused by what I am and my relationship with Daddy. Personally I think its all about understanding. If only there was more of that going on in the world, I think it would be a much better place for all of us. I guess I'll just keep dreaming.

To Thine Own Self Be True.....

In any relationship, honesty is always an asset. This holds even more true for any D/s relationship. With honesty comes trust and responsibility. Without honesty, the very foundation of everything BDSM is built on becomes compromised. How can you be submissive to a Dom or Domme when you don't trust them? How can you serve a Master or Daddy when they don't know what you need or want from them?

But before you can be honest with anyone, you have to be honest with yourself. I suggest making lists. It is the easiest way to find out what, in your heart of hearts, you need and want. Do research on the lifestyles and options, talk to other people that are living the lifestyle (online or off), and just find out what it is that turns you on! Its the best and safest way to connect with yourself and others.

Secondly, when you do decide what it is you need and desire for yourself, think about everything you need from your ideal partner. Think about what it is about your past relationships that worked and what didn't.

And finally, the hardest step, finding the person that is right for you. This is the hardest step. I know from experience that it is just not possible until you have done the first two. Once again, if you aren't honest with yourself about what you want and need, how do you expect to find it? This is also the step that is most tempting to "cheat" on. Most people are willing to ignore what they have already learned about themselves in order to settle on something they believe to be more easily obtained. Once again, I've been here too. It is so tempting when you find someone you believe to be perfect, but can't indulge in what you truly need in a relationship, to just settle anyway. Trust me, this causes more problems than it will ever solve.

Daddy and I had this problem at the first. I had already decided before I met Him that I wasn't going to settle ever again. So when I realized I was in love with Him, I balked. At the time I had no idea that He was into D/s or any type of BDSM. I never dreamed that my kind, understanding, wonderful boyfriend would be willing and eager to also be my Daddy. I realize that I am incredibly lucky. If He had not seen who I was inside, we probably would have eventually broken up because I wouldn't let myself be with someone who didn't or couldn't fulfill my needs. I also realize now how incredibly rare it is for two strangers who outwardly don't seek a specifically BDSM relationship to meet and fall in love without recognizing how right they are for each other. I wasn't actively looking for a Master or a Daddy or a Dom when I met Him and He wasn't actively looking for a submissive of any type. We just got lucky. Its rare, and it is alot more common to meet someone who is actively looking for a Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, or any other type of BDSM relationship.

My only real advice for anyone looking for this kind of relationship is to be honest, know what you want, and be safe. There are so many people out there, and only one may be right for you. Finding that one may be difficult and trying, but if you refuse to settle and succeed, the rewards are never ending and fully satisfying.