February Make-Over

I decided to give my blog a romantic make-over in honor of Valentine's Day. I am a little nervous about the holiday this year because it was always a special day when I was with Sir. I hope that I won't ruin things because of that. I don't have much experience with relationships honestly. Before I was married, I was the love 'em then leave 'em type. I didn't ever really date or anything so I'm nervous about what to do. Bear has said that he wants to take control of the holiday which is fine with me since I don't know what to do.

I am the rose of Sharon,
and the lily of the valleys.
As the lily among thorns,
so is my love among the daughters.

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood,
so is my beloved among the sons.
I sat down under his shadow with great delight,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
Stay me with flagons,
comfort me with apples:
for I am sick of love.
His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand doth embrace me.

I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem,
by the roes, and by the hinds of the field,
that ye stir not up, nor awake my love,
till he please.

The voice of my beloved!

Behold, he cometh
leaping upon the mountains,
skipping upon the hills.
My beloved is like a roe or a young hart:
behold, he standeth behind our wall,
he looketh forth at the windows,
showing himself through the lattice.

My beloved spake, and said unto me,
Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.

For, lo, the winter is past,
the rain is over and gone;
the flowers appear on the earth;
the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;
the fig tree putteth forth her green figs,
and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell.

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock,
in the secret places of the stars,
let me see thy countenance,
let me hear thy voice;
for sweet is thy voice,
and thy countenance is comely.

Take us the foxes, the little foxes,
that spoil the vines:
for our vines have tender grapes.

My beloved is mine, and I am his:
he feedeth among the lilies.
Until the day break,
and the shadows flee away,
turn, my beloved,
and be thou like a roe or a young hart
upon the mountains of Bether.

-Second Song of Solomon

Exhausted

Between preparing everything for the divorce, school, and packing I am thoroughly exhausted. I have a ton of things to do and not much time to do them. I am also essentially broke until I get my student loan refund which should be next week. I just hope I can get everything to come together. Preferably before I collapse. I am so thankful I have Bear to help me with everything. Even though we are not technically dating or doing anything naughty, we are still close. I can't wait until I am moved out and settled on my own as a single woman. I only hope everything goes well. Wish me luck.

Changes

Sir and I are getting a divorce. We have been separated and sleeping apart for over a month. All that needs to be done is filing the paperwork and getting my things ready to move out. It will take another two or three months to get it finalized. We have just grown apart. Because of the pending divorce I have told Bear that we need to take a break for awhile until I get settled in a new place and get steady work.

Nothing Much...As Per Usual

I was going to say I haven't been blogging because I've been busy, but in the interest of truth thats not why. Honestly all of the things keeping me busy are fairly mundane. Sir and I moved...again. So that has been the major part of my busy-ness. Also I am starting college on Monday and the only thing they haven't asked for is a signature in blood. Other than that I've just been trying not to be too bored and grabbing every chance at social activity with both hands and clinging like a survivor of a shipwreck clings to a floating piece of debris. Sometimes I wonder how pathetic I seem to my friends and acquaintances. The lack of social communication with anyone other than Sir and my new kitten, Pumpkin. Maybe it will be good for me in the long run, but for now it is making me crazy! I absolutely cannot wait for Monday...if only I didn't have to be awake before 8 am...

Will Work For Free

So I have been busy lately as I have stated before. Last weekend I babysat a four year old Saturday and Sunday. It was crazy. He is so energetic. And best of all, I did it for free. I will also be watching him again this coming weekend. My friends who own a bookstore are remodeling this month and they are hanging drywall this week. I offered to help them out for free as well. Also the game store where Sir and I met is moving this month and I might also help them out with that as well. Best of all my munch group has leased a dungeon space. They need volunteers to help get the space refinished and decorated by the first week of August. I am supposed to go help out this Friday. All in all, it is going to be a very busy week.

In addition to all the free labor I am offering this month, I am also still getting everything together for our move and for school at the end of August. I hate packing and I am royally sick of packing up everything we own. Especially since we are only moving 30 minutes away. I wish there were magical packing faeries. That way I could just leave out some milk, bread, and honey and not have to pack a thing. :P

Been Awhile...

I realize that I haven't been posting much lately. Honestly I just don't really feel like it. I'm not sure how to say anything I want to right now. Long story short, M and I broke up. I didn't like how obsessive and possessive she was getting. She was having alot of trouble dealing with the 3 hour drive between where we live and I couldn't handle her constant nagging and mood swings. I just don't think she was mature enough to have a long distance relationship. It breaks my heart, but I don't need that much crazy drama in my life, its crazy enough.

Speaking of crazy life things, Sir and I will be moving yet again. We found a small place in the country. Its on a farm in the woods. I'm excited about it. The house is the perfect size for us. It needs some work on the outside, but the inside is in great condition. Maybe I can talk Sir into getting a pool this summer. :)

I will also be starting college this fall. Sir didn't get into the Officer School. I was really upset at first, but we just have to accept it and move on with our backup plan. I should be signing up for classes soon. I am so excited! I can't wait!

I also went to two Gay Pride Festivals in the last two weeks. My older sister went with me to both. It was so much fun. My best friend, G, went with me to the second one too. He is so much fun to be around. I love when he comes by the house. We plan on having a big party out at the new house as soon as we move in. Well I guess that is about it. I will try to post more regularly again, although I may be getting my new computer in a week or two so there might be a small interruption.

Submissive Girl?

I have been wondering lately if I should change the title of my blog. In some ways I think I should leave it as is because I still am a submissive girl. I still submit to Sir and Daddy, but it seems like most of the time I am in Domme mode because of M. I am not really as physically submissive as I would like anymore because Sir and I have settled into a style that suits our relationship much better. I am His little girl as well as well as Daddy's, but I am not beaten or physically punished at all by either. It would be pretty difficult with Daddy 20 hours away and Sir doesn't really enjoy the physical side of D/s. He is much more into the mental side of it.

This presents me with a quandary. I am a submissive as well as a Dominant. I am a switch so shouldn't the title of my blog reflect that. Before I had a submissive I never really had to worry about it. But now that I am actively in both roles shouldn't I take that role and adapt it to my blog.

I think that every person changes as they grow up and get more comfortable and learn more about themselves. A person's identity is a constantly evolving entity. As I continue to grow and change and discover new things shouldn't the way I identify myself in my public and private lives change too? I think so.

In a Funk

You would think that after spending my whole life in a depressive fugue I would be doing as much as possible to avoid it. But it has recently been brought to my attention that I really have no right to be upset that I am unhappy and depressed. After all, I am not doing anything to make myself happy. I am mostly just doing things that I think should make me happy. I guess I don't really think things through before I do them. The end result being that I keep getting myself into situations that trap me in a kind of depression. Doing things with no forethought is not a good idea. It just got me a whole new set of difficult and painful problems.

I can't blame things on Sir. I knew who He was when I agreed to marry Him. I think now that I should have said no. But I do love Him. He just isn't what I need in a partner. I feel horrible about even thinking that, much less typing it, but its true. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I have stayed for the right reasons. Whether its because I love Him or if its because I'm afraid to leave and be on my own. And I hate that I even have to ask that. The fact that I love Him seems secondary. I don't want to hurt Him, but I'm not even sure if leaving would hurt more than if I stayed at this point. I can't think straight. I feel so empty and confused. I just wish I knew what to do. I think I need some time away from Him, but I have nowhere to go. I have no family or friends to stay with and I'm not even sure space is the best thing for us. It worked in the past, but who's to say it will work this time. Besides it obviously wasn't a permanent fix last time. Where is the user manual for relationships????

I just want to know what is best, and even though I know I'm the only one who can answer that question, I'm not sure how to even begin.

Internet-less

Ok so Sir and I have been busy. We have moved back to our home state. We now have a lovely 2 bedroom apartment in the slums. He has a decent, if horribly boring, job. The only persistent problem besides lack of money (which is always a problem) is the lack of internet. The apartment complex gave us a horrible time about getting it installed, but finally we have succeeded. As of the Friday we will have internet in our place. Yay! With internet I will be able to once again blog freely without borrowing internet time from friends who may or may not at any given time read over my shoulder and decide now is the time to awkwardly ask "whats BDSM?" I can't wait. Especially since Sir has promised me a new computer this summer if I'm good. Wonder of wonders. :)

Fidgety

Lately I've been restless. I keep getting the feeling that I should be doing something, but I can't put my finger on it. I've also been super horny, which does not make it easier to think or focus. I just keep losing interest in things I enjoy. Maybe it is a lack of beatings. I hope that is the problem, its an easy fix. I've just been so fidgety. When I'm home I want to go somewhere, but when I go somewhere I just want to leave. So this will probably be a short post since I'm already sick of typing. :P

I've been driving Sir nuts lately too. I just can't help it. When He's home I just want to fuck and cuddle and have His whole attention. I know its not fair to Him, but I really can't help it. He has been really good about it though. Probably more understanding than I deserve honestly. But that is how He always is. I just hope this manic mood goes away soon. I am sick of always being horny and...well fidgety.

All Work and No Play

I haven't been writing much because not much is happening. I've been busy at work. Its amazing to me how I can have nothing new going on, but be so tired all the time. My life has been one big monotonous blur lately. I sleep, work, then sleep some more.

One of the only interesting parts of work is the co-worker I close with. I'll call him Steve. He is incredibly cute and sweet. He is in the same position I am right now; trying to make as much money as possible by working a crappy part-time job. We get along really well. I told him that he is welcome to come by and hang out when Sir and I get our own place. I hope he does. Neither of us have any friends here in town. I am just so sick of being lonely. I need a friend. Besides maybe if Sir starts sleeping with one of the young cuties He works with I can do the same with Steve. :P

I guess the good news is that Sir and I have been approved for an apartment that we can barely afford. We are supposed to move in this weekend so hopefully everything will go well. It will be so nice to have our own place again. I'm so tired of hiding everything from my parents, and even more tired of keeping our sex completely vanilla. What I wouldn't give to get one long, thorough beating.

New Developments

So Sir got His test results back from His AFOQT. In short He did amazing. He had top scores on all the portions of the test. I knew He would do well, but I am still so proud of Him.

The bad news is that the decision board for Officer Candidate School had been pushed back from December to March. So we are looking at another 6-9 months until He gets through Basic and receives His permanent station. Which means we are going to have to struggle through more months of little money and no health care. Its enough to make me want to tear my hair out. I'm so sick of always trying to play catch up to stay alive and off the streets.

Really there is not much else to say. Its just hard for us right now. We haven't been doing much because of all the stress lately and the lack of funds. Our sex life is really suffering because we are staying with my parents until we can afford to move out. It just seems like everything is unnecessarily difficult right now. We try so hard to get ahead and just keep getting shut down.

I hate how this blog is starting to be less about my BDSM life (which was the original intention) and more about my other life problems. I just feel like I need a place to vent since I only see my friends once a month at most. I just feel so isolated and I need someone other than Sir to talk with. He is just as frustrated and stressed as I am and it doesn't help to bitch constantly. I wish I didn't have as much to bitch about honestly.

Lonely

So yeah I've been neglecting to write, but mostly because there hasn't been anything to write about. I just started work at GameStop again. At least now I can do the same humiliating and frustrating work for $2 more an hour than the last time I was there. The lack of hours that are available is pretty shitty, but at least its gonna keep us alive until next spring.

Right now Sir is 2 hours away staying in a hotel so that He can be ready to take His AFOQT at 5 am. I know it is important for Him to be gone, but its hard. Except for that rough patch last year we have never spent a night apart, let alone three. At least He will be home Thursday. I miss Him alot, but I am super proud of Him for working so hard to give us a better life. I know He will do well on the test, I just hope He gets the best score in the bunch.

Nothing else is really going on right now. My birthday is this Saturday. I am trying to persuade myself not to get excited. One of my friends and her man want to get Sir and I a hotel suite for the weekend so we can have some privacy to play. I told them to feel free to come along and I really hope they do. It would be nice to have a group scene for once.

Officer's Wife???

Sir has decided to join the Air Force. Since He has obtained His B.S. in Math He qualifies for the Officer Training Program. I am really excited for us both, but I'm nervous as well. I know that there is little chance of Him being sent overseas into the warzone, but I still worry about His safety.

As a result of this choice, we have moved back to Indiana to stay with my parents until He is sent to basic training. It isn't as stressful as I thought, although I am majorly bummed to be back in Indiana again. I prefered Washington and Texas. Either would be better than this cornfield in hell. At least it isn't permanent. There are no A.F. Bases in Indiana. The closest is Wright-Paterson in Ohio. I just hope we don't end up there either. Ohio is just as bad.

I have also been sick the last week. I got back to Indiana just in time to catch a summer cold. I'm not sure if its the cold or all the traveling or what, but I really haven't been in the mood to play lately. And from His actions and mood lately I'd say Sir feels the same. I hope its just a temporary slump and not a long term problem. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. I have a suprise birthday party to attend tonight for one of my kinky friends at Hooters. That oughta cheer me right up I'm sure.

Texas Threesome

Ok, I did promise to write about the threesome Sir and I had in Texas with one of our friends. For the sake of privacy I'm going to call her Amy, which is not her name.

We got to Amy's house in the early afternoon. We all sat together on the couch and chatted for a bit. Sir pulled her in close and started to kiss her and fondle her amazingly large breasts. I was getting so wet just watching them together. After a bit He grabbed her hand and led her to a more private room. He told me to stay on the couch while He fucked Amy in the bedroom. The whole time they were gone I was so wet and ready I couldn't stand it.

After awhile I heard my cell phone ring. I had forgotten that my purse was in the spare bedroom. Sir called me in to get it. When I went in the room He had Amy on her back and was sucking her big beautiful tits while He fucked her. Neither of them paid any attention to me as I walked around the bed to get my phone. By then it had stopped ringing. Sir told me I could stay and watch Him cum in her if I promised to be quiet. I agreed of course.

When they were done Sir and Amy got up and got dressed again. We all went back to the living room to relax for awhile. This time it was me who got to kiss and fondle Amy while Sir watched. I could see He was hard again and Amy was very wet. Sir whispered to me that I should go fuck her. So I grabbed her hand and led her back into the spare bedroom.

When we got there she seemed a little nervous. It had been a long time since she had been with another woman. So I continued to kiss her and slowly undress her, kissing and fondling every part of her that I uncovered. She started to relax and undress me as well. When we were both naked I pulled her down to the bed and kissed all down her body. I started with her mouth then worked my way down her throat and breasts until I made it all the way to her pussy. By now I could see her juices dripping down her legs so I lapped at her inner thighs until she begged me to eat her out.

I stared out slow, just licking and sucking her clit. Then I slid my middle finger inside her. She moaned and I pushed a second finger inside her. She was so tight it barely fit. Sir must have had to work hard to fit His cock in her. I fucked her with my fingers and kept licking her clit. She just moaned and thrust back onto my hand. So I fucked her harder and harder until she came all over me. I slid my fingers out of her throbbing pussy and she pulled me up to her. Gently she kissed my face and sucked her own cum off my tongue. I was in heaven.Then she told me to lay down on my back. She began the same way I did, just using her mouth on my very wet pussy. Then she started to fuck me with her fingers, rubbing my G-spot and licking my clit. I loved every minute of it.

After we were done I pulled her close and held her for awhile. It felt so good to be with another woman again. I had missed it alot. After we were both dressed we went back out to the living room to sit with Sir. I helped Amy make lunch because we were all famished. We sat and ate and talked for awhile.

When it was dark outside Amy pulled the shades shut. We were all sitting on the couch again. Amy had Sir's cock out and was sucking it. I was sitting at their feet watching her and fingering her pussy. It was so beautiful to watch another woman suck Sir's cock. I almost came just watching. Then Amy grabbed me by my hair and pulled me so I was kneeling and began to kiss me hard. Then we both started to take turns sucking Sir's cock, licking His balls and kissing each other. It was amazing. I could tell Sir loved it.

Sir told both of us to stop and strip. When we were all naked Amy laid back down on the couch. He made me get on my hands and knees in front of her and lick her pussy while He watched. It made me so hot to know He was watching me and I know Amy enjoyed it too. Then I felt Sir's cock thrust inside me from behind. I almost came. It was too much to hope for.

Then Amy surprised me. She grabbed my hair again and pulled my face out of her pussy. I moaned and tried to lick her more, but she held me tight while she watched Sir fuck me. I could tell that He liked to see her take control of me like that and He fucked me even harder. After that she never let go of my hair. She used it to shove my face tight into her or hold me so that I was just barely out of reach of her wet pussy. It was amazing and maddening. I'm not sure how, but it worked out that Amy got really close then pulled me away. I could tell Sir was getting really close to cumming too. Right before He came in me, Amy pulled me into her wet pussy again and fucked my face in earnest. It was the most amazing experience of my life. Both of them came at the same time and used me like a toy to do it.

After a moment to catch our breaths we got dressed again. We both thanked Amy for a wonderful evening. I could tell everyone enjoyed themselves immensely. I know I loved being used by two people. It was a great threesome and a great visit to Texas.

Munch Recap

So the 18-30 group was a bust for me. I got roped into playing card games with a really bossy girl the whole time. I couldn't hardly get a word in edge-wise with anyone, even Sir, without her butting in and telling me something about the game. When I tried to stay out of the second game she dealt me in anyway. Normally I enjoy card games, but I didn't want to play with that girl. I felt bad for the submissive across from me. She was in the same position I was. And neither of us was rescued because her Dom and Sir were busy talking to each other. I don't think either knew that we were anxious to get out of the game.

I am still glad we went though. Sir had a good time. I don't think I've ever seen Him so talkative and outgoing in a group of people. He is definitely the strong silent type usually. I am really happy that He got a chance to open up and get to know some other people in the area. If we do decide to go again, hopefully it will be a little bit better for me. At least now I know to avoid the "Card Nazi". :P

Another New Munch

This afternoon Sir and I are planning to attend the 18-30 munch group that meets in our new area. So far the BDSM community age average seems to be mid-30s or so. I'm really hoping that we will get to meet some people closer to our age range.

I will probably ramble an update when we get back...unless things take a very unexpected turn in the naughty direction. Honestly I doubt it, but I can always hope.

Date Night

Last night Sir took me out on a real date. We haven't really had much money or time to date in the last year so it was unexpected, but greatly appreciated. I don't think either of us realized how much we needed to get out for a bit by ourselves.

First He took me out to eat. He ordered me a cheeseburger and curly fries. It was really good. Curly fries are my favorite. I enjoyed just getting to sit together and talk. We have had so little privacy lately.

After dinner we went out to the movies. Neither of us had been to the movies in months. We saw Year One. It was hilarious. It felt so good to be together in a theater with other people just laughing and enjoying ourselves.

We drove around town for a bit after the movie. Neither of us was ready to go back to the house we are staying at yet. When we finally did get back, we snuck into our room and made-out like teenagers on the bed. Both of us have felt like naughty teenagers lately because we have been sneaking kisses and gropes when his family aren't looking and having quickies when they are gone.

After awhile He ordered me to strip in that low husky growl He has when He's impatient. It gave me goosebumps to hear it. I stripped then sat down next to Him on the bed. He petted my check softly then wound His fingers into my hair. He pulled me down to His belly then used His other hand to unbutton His pants. With my face against Him I could feel Him breathing hard and started to kiss His navel while He held me tight by the hair and kicked off His jeans.

He let me kiss down His belly and inner thighs. Then I started to lick all around His balls and He pulled my mouth even closer to Him. I slowly traced the underside of His cock with the tip of my tongue. When I reached the tip I closed my mouth around it while He thrust into my throat, making sure to keep a tight grip on the back of my neck.

He continued to fuck my throat and talk to me with His husky voice for awhile. We could both tell He was getting close, so He pulled me off of Him and ordered me to kneel on all fours on the bed. I quickly positioned myself while he stood on the floor behind me. I felt Him take two of His fingers and feel how wet I was. By that time I was more than ready for Him. He knelt behind me on the bed and slowly thrust His cock inside of me, inch by inch. It was agony. I wanted Him to take me fast and hard, but He knew that so He took me slowly at first and teased me about it the whole time.

After a time He pulled out completely. I whimpered. He chuckled then placed the tip of His cock against me. He asked me if I wanted it. I moaned and told Him that of course I did. He chuckled again and asked if I was sure. I told Him I was definitely sure. So with a low growl He thrust His cock all the way into me. It hurt just as much as it felt amazing. He has always been too big for me.

When I say that Sir is too big for me, I say it without exaggerating. When He is fully hard He can't get it in me without thrusting hard and forcing it in. And thats exactly what he did then. He rode me hard until I couldn't hardly take it any more. I begged Him to cum in me. By then I couldn't wait to feel Him spend Himself inside me. I love that feeling. He just chuckled again and asked if I was sure. I told Him that I was sure, that I couldn't wait. He grabbed my hair in one fist and my ass in the other and thrust even faster. Right before He came in me He pulled my head back even further and ordered me to cum. I can't even put into words how fantastic that orgasm was. He continued to cum inside me while my muscles clenched around His cock.

After we were both done and I had cleaned Him off with my mouth, He told me to clean myself up then kneel next to His side of the bed. He told me to stay there until He fell asleep, then I could lay down next to Him and sleep. While I was kneeling He petted my hair and cheek for a few minutes until He finally went to sleep. I knelt there for a few more minutes and watched His face. I love to watch Him sleep. Then I quietly got up and crawled into bed beside Him.

I can only hope that we have many more similar date nights in the future.

Picnic in the Park

Sir and I were both able to attend the local munch picnic this past Tuesday. It was tons of fun and we were really happy that we attended. They even had a few local vendors. Sir bought me some fully adjustable C style nipple clamps. As well as 55 new clothespins in various shapes, colors, and sizes. It was a great treat.

The cheeseburgers were delicious. We had fresh grilled onions on ours. It was the best burger I've had in a long time. And for desert Sir and I watched a few people fly a kite with their nipples. It was a very interesting experience. I wish I would have tried it, but I hadn't done it before and was worried about embarrassing Sir if I wasn't very good at it. Besides I can always put it on my to-do list for the future.

The people we met were all very friendly. It was nice to get together with other kinky people for some social interaction and naughty fun. I hope we get to attend many more get-togethers like that in the near future.

P.S. Yes those tits are real and they are mine. :)

Back Again

So I'm back. Alot has happened in the last couple weeks. Long story short, Sir and I are living in Washington state now. At the moment we are staying with his family until we can get our own place. Hopefully it will be soon.

We had originally planned to move to Texas, and we did. But, it was not meant to be. Although we did have an amazing threesome while we were there...but more about that in another post. This is just an update post to get me back in the habit of writing.

Both of us want to get involved in the BDSM community here. There is a picnic in a local park tomorrow evening that I want to attend. I'm just nervous about going and not knowing anyone. Besides that, I don't have any money to buy or make a side dish or drinks. I don't want to feel like a mooch, but a couple people have invited me to come anyway so maybe I will be able to screw up my courage and go. If not I do plan on attending the local munch this weekend.

Sir will be able to go with me to that munch. He won't be able to make the picnic because He has a temp job power-washing rust off of the undercarriage of trucking trailers. Its a dirty job, but we gotta have money and He isn't too proud when it comes to our lives. I'm very proud of Him and everything He is doing to support us.

I guess thats all for now. I'm gonna go put out some more job applications. I mean really the law of averages can't be wrong, one of them will pay off.