What a Drag!

Ok playing catch up again. Friday I went to the Friday Munch with Lori. I had alot of fun and met some new people. After the Munch we decided to go to the local gay club, Connections. I called my husband and asked if it was ok with him. He was reluctant to let me go, but said it was ok as long as I was reasonably behaved...

Anyway, I went and had a blast. One of the main events at the club was the drag queen shows. I loved it! The drag queens they had were awesome. They had dancing, lip-synching, and stand-up comedy. It was great. One of the guys in our group handed me a dollar and took me up to the stage to tip my first drag queen. After the show I hit the dance floor with some of my group mates and danced for awhile. I haven't danced with other people forever. Needless to say I had a great time.

Saturday I took my husband to his first Munch. I had fun, but I don't know if he did or not. He just sat there the whole time without talking very much. I asked him what he thought and he just shrugged and said it was fine. Oh well, at least he went. I was glad he came and got to meet some of the people I meet with. All in all I guess it was a pretty good weekend.

New Toy!

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Catch Up

Ok I know I've been bad. I've been neglecting to post. *slaps hand* Bad girl. Anyway, so I went to the Munch Saturday. I am sooooo glad I did! It was so much fun. I got to meet so many new people. I don't remember all the names, but in my defense I was a little overwhelmed. I hope no one gets offended. I fully plan on going to the next one on Friday and the Early Bloomers Munch for 18-35 year olds on Saturday afternoon. I think my husband might go with me, but I'm not sure. He still isn't really comfortable with it yet.

For me, finding others into BDSM was an epiphany. I felt like I found a place to meet others and feel less alone. For my husband it isn't. He is still uncomfortable with the lifestyle and his feelings about being Dominated. I am hoping to help him be more comfortable with it and accept it. Its just hard because he spent most of his life pretending he didn't need anything or anyone. It makes it hard for him to open up to others and be himself. Little by little he is getting more comfortable and suprises me daily. I can't help but be proud of him.

Switch

I've always known that I can act dominant. I have always acted decisive and confident in my everyday life. But I have always considered myself a submissive person. If I was ever confronted by someone who was a dominant person, my first reaction was to back down and become docile. Even though I didn't always, I still always wanted to submit to anyone who seemed to be truly dominant.

I think this is one reason I felt so awkward when my husband tried to Dom for me when I told him what I wanted. He isn't a Dom. He is a dominant person to the outside world, but it felt so uncomfortable to have him be my Dom. I just didn't feel that need to submit that I feel with others. I guess this was my first clue that he wasn't a dominant at all.

Last night I brought it up with him. We usually don't talk about "my kink" much anymore. I think it makes him feel inadequate because he can't Dom me. Anyway, I told him of my suspicions. He admitted that his best orgasms happened when I was mocking or belittling him, or acting like I'm bored or he isn't turning me on.

So I Dommed him. I actually started to enjoy it. It was nice to see my straight macho husband begging me to let him cum like a little bitch while I fucked his ass. I didn't go easy on him, but he just begged me for more anyway. It was good to work out some of my frustrations on him. It wasn't good in the same way that being Dom(med) but it was good in another way.

I never really considered myself a switch before. Maybe now I will have to reconsider that. I never thought I would enjoy Domming, but I think that with him I really do. I have always said that people should try everything once...maybe in this case I will have to try it again! Too bad this still doesn't solve my problems with what I want in a relationship.

A Community Affair

Lately I've been pretty lonely. I've been wanting someone to talk to who knows and understands my submissive self. I just want a friend to talk to about how I am feeling since Daddy and I split and I moved back in with my husband. I feel like I am so alone. I can't talk to my husband about it obviously, he cringes whenever I even mention it. To him, those two months when I was moved out never happened. This makes it hard for me. I don't have any friends at all where we live and I don't know anyone in the "lifestyle" except my Aunts, but I want to talk to a friend my age, not a relative. I know this is picky and probably whiny, but I seriously need an outlet to be childish sometimes.

Enter munches. I have known about munches for awhile now, but could never find one nearby. Well I finally found one. Its a half hour drive, but its well worth it to me. I really want to go just to meet people and find a friend, or at least be around others like me. I just don't know what my husband will think about it. He doesn't really like the idea of me meeting groups of people without him, but I could never ask him to go. He is very uncomfortable with the BDSM scene in general. Its just not his thing. I know he is afraid I will "hook up" with someone, but as I understand it that isn't what munches are for. Its more like AA. Its a meeting for people into BDSM, not a singles bar. I just want to feel like I'm not so alone. I just don't know if he will like it, but I feel like if I don't go I will go crazy. Maybe I will work up the courage to talk to him about it, I just hope it won't hurt our relationship.

Vanilla...Not Just for Pudding Anymore!

Some days I wish I were vanilla. My life would be so much easier without my need for Dominance. I need to feel submissive in my relationships, but most vanilla guys just can't handle that. They want an "equal partnership". And when I try to explain that its ok to use me in any and every way they can think of, they look at me like I'm nuts.

There is a real difference between being a person with a dominant personality type, and actually being a Dominant. Vanilla dominants just can't ever be a Dom no matter how much you love each other and want it to work. Even if everything else is great, you have to ask yourself how important is your submission? Because if the relationship can work vanilla style, but never with any kink, that question becomes very important.

You can try to drop the kink and live vanilla, but is it satisfying? Its not for me. That is why I have Daddy. He knows and understands me and what I need more completely than my husband. I love my husband, but I know now that he will never be everything I need. So now I am forced to choose: my unsatisfying vanilla life with my husband, or my satisfying life of adultery with Daddy.

I really wish I could "do the right thing" and go back to my husband and drop the kink forever and life a "normal" vanilla life and be happy. That last part is the problem, happiness. The last time I tried this way, I wasn't really very happy at all. I felt like I was hiding a big secret and constantly wearing a mask so he wouldn't see what I needed. Daddy saw through the mask like it wasn't even there. He gives me everything I need and I am so grateful for everything He does for me. But the fact remains, I am married. I just wish I didn't have to choose.