Bad, Bad Baby Girl

Ok I know I've been bad. I meant to write before now, but with the holidays here its been hectic. I really don't have much to write. Alot has been going on, but its just mostly been family stuff like dinners and shopping. I probably won't write much until after the holiday season. My husband doesn't go back to classes until January and I know we will be endlessly busy until then. I wish you all happy holidays and will be back more regularly when the holiday crazies are done and over with.

Missin' My Daddy

Some days I really miss Daddy. We still talk most days. I just wish He wasn't so far away. I invited Him to come visit for Thanksgiving because He was going to spend it alone. I don't know if He will come or not. My husband and I talked about it and he was ok with Daddy coming to visit for a couple days as long as we don't have sex. I don't think that would be a problem since my husband will be off work and he will be around. I dunno how Daddy will feel about that, but I don't care about the sex, I just wanna see Him. I hope He comes. I don't want anyone I love to spend the holidays alone. No one should have to be alone during the family season.

Maybe I'm just overly concerned because I've never really had a good holiday season before. Now that I am on my own and free to do what I want for the holidays, I want to surround myself with my loved ones. I don't feel obligated to spend alot of time with people I don't want to see. Just because some people are my blood relatives, doesn't mean I have to see them if I don't want to. Well, its just a thought. Wish me luck.

An interesting Incident

Saturday afternoon I caught a ride to another Munch in the state with the leader of my local Munch. I'll call him Mr. M. I drove to our Munch meeting place to meet him since I didn't know how to get to the other Munch and it was almost a 2 hour drive to get there. Mr. M was giving me and another girl a ride. We had a great time on the drive up. I didn't really know the other girl very well so it was nice to get to know each other. We got to the Munch and had a fun time. I was the youngest person there. We drove back to town. Since we were early getting back we stopped by an adult store so Mr. M could pick up some things for his slave.

We were still ahead of schedule when we left there, so we went to Mr. M's apartment to hang out for awhile. We sat around and talked for an hour or two. Mr. M brought out a corset he was telling the other girl about for her to try on. It didn't fit her, but it fit me perfectly. After that she took off the rest of her clothes and sat around in her panties. I put my bra on and sat on the couch with her. Mr. M came over and had her straddle my lap. I sucked on her breasts while he flogged her back. I moved my hand to her pussy and fingered her clit while he continued to flog her. He went to put his finger in her and felt mine there already. He chuckled and went back to flogging her. Right before she came he choked her. She came hard on my hand and moaned loudly.

After she came twice like that, she collapsed next to me on the couch. I cuddled her while Mr. M smiled and chuckled while he watched from across the room. After a brief break, he pulled out a purple vibrator. I smiled and took it from him. I knelt on the floor in front of her and slid it inside her pussy. I fucked her pussy while I licked her clit. Mr. M talked to us while I did it, telling her how much of a slut she was and that she liked feeling me licking her. I started to fuck her pussy harder when I could tell she was close to cumming. He continued to whisper in her ear and bite her neck. He choked her again when she came.

We continued to take turns fingering her and making her cum for another hour. Finally I said I needed to get home. Mr. M took me to my car. I thanked them both for a wonderful time. I had so much fun. I can hardly believe it was real. That was by far the best Saturday I've had in a long time!

Sick

I'm sick yet again. I don't really feel like writing alot today, but I feel guilty for not posting for a few days. I'm still jobless which sucks, but I've been to a couple interviews so I'm hopeful. I hope I'm feeling better by tomorrow. I'm supposed to go to SubSpace, the submissives meeting held by my Munch group. I will go unless I'm dying, it would just be nice to feel good too.

What a Drag!

Ok playing catch up again. Friday I went to the Friday Munch with Lori. I had alot of fun and met some new people. After the Munch we decided to go to the local gay club, Connections. I called my husband and asked if it was ok with him. He was reluctant to let me go, but said it was ok as long as I was reasonably behaved...

Anyway, I went and had a blast. One of the main events at the club was the drag queen shows. I loved it! The drag queens they had were awesome. They had dancing, lip-synching, and stand-up comedy. It was great. One of the guys in our group handed me a dollar and took me up to the stage to tip my first drag queen. After the show I hit the dance floor with some of my group mates and danced for awhile. I haven't danced with other people forever. Needless to say I had a great time.

Saturday I took my husband to his first Munch. I had fun, but I don't know if he did or not. He just sat there the whole time without talking very much. I asked him what he thought and he just shrugged and said it was fine. Oh well, at least he went. I was glad he came and got to meet some of the people I meet with. All in all I guess it was a pretty good weekend.

Politics

Ok I try not to get off topic much here, but sometimes things from my non-BDSM world effect me so much that I have to vent somewhere. I will try to limit myself to a short rant however. So here it is.

I am a bisexual. I am married to a man. I could be just as happy married to a woman. My state does not allow same sex marriage, but I have friends who are gay and live in California where same sex marriage was legal. Emphasis on WAS. Thats right folks, its no longer legal and all the couples who were married legally in California only a few months ago are now not recognized by state law. THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END!!!!!!! I wish I could have a shotgun and 5 minutes with every person who voted yes to Prop 8. It just isn't fair! What gives the religious majority the right to decide what someone else's decisions should or should not be. IT IS NOT THIER LIFE!!!!! No one is forcing them to do it, or even like it. What if I suddenly decided that heterosexual marriages offended me? No one would take that away. I guess its true, if you give people enough bibles and guns they eventually cling to those and no one else's rights or beliefs matter.

Ok I'm done now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. These are just my thoughts on the matter, and I wasn't trying to anger anyone out there.

New Toy!

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Catch Up

Ok I know I've been bad. I've been neglecting to post. *slaps hand* Bad girl. Anyway, so I went to the Munch Saturday. I am sooooo glad I did! It was so much fun. I got to meet so many new people. I don't remember all the names, but in my defense I was a little overwhelmed. I hope no one gets offended. I fully plan on going to the next one on Friday and the Early Bloomers Munch for 18-35 year olds on Saturday afternoon. I think my husband might go with me, but I'm not sure. He still isn't really comfortable with it yet.

For me, finding others into BDSM was an epiphany. I felt like I found a place to meet others and feel less alone. For my husband it isn't. He is still uncomfortable with the lifestyle and his feelings about being Dominated. I am hoping to help him be more comfortable with it and accept it. Its just hard because he spent most of his life pretending he didn't need anything or anyone. It makes it hard for him to open up to others and be himself. Little by little he is getting more comfortable and suprises me daily. I can't help but be proud of him.

Happy Halloween!!!

Yay! Its finally Halloween! I love Halloween. It seems like every year I'm just waiting for this holiday. Its my favorite by a long shot. I'm so excited. I'm dressing up as a pirate wench this year. My costume rocks! I will put up a picture if I remember. It makes me kinda sad sometimes that I can't go trick-or-treating anymore, but its probably for the best since I don't really have a Daddy to take me anyway! Anyway, handing out candy in costume will be fun and I hope we get alot of trick-or-treaters. Have a merry Halloween everyone!

Best Buddies!

So I went to a pre-munch lunch to get to know my Buddy Lori better. I'm so glad I did. She is so awesome. We met at the mall at 3:30 and got Subway. Then we sat around and talked until seven. It was so amazing to meet someone I had so much in common with. She was so fun and easy to talk to. We made plans to meet early this Saturday before the Munch so we can get good seats and I can meet some of her friends. I'm really looking forward to it.

Stories

I love to write. I have been writing here about my everyday life stuff. Daddy always encouraged me to write here and I also wrote several stories for Him as well. He said to write down everything, my fantasies, my fears and put it into a story for Him to read. I've been thinking alot about putting my stories here. I wrote them for Him and I have His permission to post them, but they are deeply personal. I guess I'm just shy about anyone reading them. I've decided that I shouldn't be afraid and I guess I want others to read and respond to my words. I want to inspire and arouse others with my stories like I have been with other people's stories. I'm much more of a mental person. Sex alone doesn't do it for me. It is what goes on in my head while I'm having sex or in a sexual situation that really gets me off. I guess this is why I would rather read erotica than watch pornography. Maybe that makes me weird, but its not like its the only thing. :-)

That being said, I will post my first story here. I wrote it when I was fantasizing about going away with Daddy when our relationship started. It isn't very erotic, but its special to me in a different kind of way. Its called Anticipation. Enjoy.

Today was the day she had been waiting for. After months of waiting He was coming for her. Her body tingled all over at the thought of Him. She rushed around the house making sure everything was ready. She paused at the kitchen door. Quickly she grabbed up a damp cloth and dropped to her knees. She began to scrub the floor frantically. Everything had to be perfect for Him.
After she was sure everything had been done to prepare for His arrival, she hopped into the shower. She washed her hair and slowly began to sponge her body with a soapy cloth. She ran the cloth over the sides of her ample breasts, slowly rubbing across her erect nipples. Her body shuddered as the rough texture of the washcloth excited her already aching body. She could hardly contain a moan as she thought of His hands caressing her tender flesh.
She slowly ran the cloth over her tummy with one hand, soaping her hot skin, as the other hand rubbed her hard nipple. He was really coming for her. The very thought sent another, stronger wave of pleasure over her body. She moved her hand to her inner thigh and felt the supple flesh as she pressed against it. Daddy. That one word crossed her mind as her hand took the final trip to her soft, wet slit. Plunging her fingers inside, she moaned. His hands. Touching her. It was too much. With a cry she felt the new wetness run down her legs as her orgasm ripped through her body.
With a smile she finished washing and left her bath. She toweled her body dry and dressed quickly. She would never keep Him waiting. It was almost time. He was almost here; she could feel Him close to her. With a shiver, she checked everything one last time. All of her things were already packed and ready to leave as soon as He gave the word. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She was so grateful to Him for everything he had done these last few months. He was always patient, always kind, never pushing her farther than He knew she could go. Always driving her to know and love herself as He did. He seemed to know her better than she had ever known herself. Through His eyes she saw what she had failed to see her entire life, her own self-worth, and she knew she would follow him anywhere for the rest of her life.
A heavy deliberate knock pulled her back to reality. Without taking a breath she moved to the door. She grasped the doorknob and willed herself to breathe. Daddy, here for her at last. The very thought sent chills over her whole body. With a trembling breath, she opened the door. The first things she saw were His eyes. They caught her up and held her spellbound. She had never seen eyes so kind and understanding, eyes that said they knew her entirely and loved her more than anyone ever had or ever would.
Slowly she reached out and touched his cheek without breaking eye contact. He raised his hand, her eyes drawn to the motion. She watched as He covered her hand in His. At the first touch of His hand, she was paralyzed. It was too good to be true. After months of planning and hoping, He was really here. The thought made her dizzy and she struggled not to faint. Without taking His hand off of hers, He reached out and pulled her to Him. She felt herself snap back entirely as His scent filled her nose. He smelled so warm, so real. He was here at last. Her Daddy had come for her.
She felt his lips move against her ear as His warm breath tickled across her neck. "I missed you my angel," He said. With tears in her eyes she looked into His and said softly, "Take me home Daddy, I'm ready." He slowly released her body and took her hand in His. He led her outside to where the car waited to take her to her new life, her new life with her perfect Daddy. The thought made her heart nearly burst with love for Him.
Slowly she followed Him to the car as He opened her door and placed her inside. He grabbed her bag and put it in the back, then got in next to her. He turned to her and looked at her in a way that made her feel like the only woman in the world. He grasped her hand in one of His and smiled at her. She felt her heart skip a beat and knew then without any doubts that for once in her life, she was doing the right thing. Smiling back she released His hand so He could start the car. As soon as it was done, He grasped her hand again in His. As He drove them to the airport, she felt the last of her worries slide away. It was really happening; He had come for her like she knew He would. Nothing had gone wrong, and now nothing ever would again.

Switch

I've always known that I can act dominant. I have always acted decisive and confident in my everyday life. But I have always considered myself a submissive person. If I was ever confronted by someone who was a dominant person, my first reaction was to back down and become docile. Even though I didn't always, I still always wanted to submit to anyone who seemed to be truly dominant.

I think this is one reason I felt so awkward when my husband tried to Dom for me when I told him what I wanted. He isn't a Dom. He is a dominant person to the outside world, but it felt so uncomfortable to have him be my Dom. I just didn't feel that need to submit that I feel with others. I guess this was my first clue that he wasn't a dominant at all.

Last night I brought it up with him. We usually don't talk about "my kink" much anymore. I think it makes him feel inadequate because he can't Dom me. Anyway, I told him of my suspicions. He admitted that his best orgasms happened when I was mocking or belittling him, or acting like I'm bored or he isn't turning me on.

So I Dommed him. I actually started to enjoy it. It was nice to see my straight macho husband begging me to let him cum like a little bitch while I fucked his ass. I didn't go easy on him, but he just begged me for more anyway. It was good to work out some of my frustrations on him. It wasn't good in the same way that being Dom(med) but it was good in another way.

I never really considered myself a switch before. Maybe now I will have to reconsider that. I never thought I would enjoy Domming, but I think that with him I really do. I have always said that people should try everything once...maybe in this case I will have to try it again! Too bad this still doesn't solve my problems with what I want in a relationship.

Sometimes I Hate My Life

Enough said.

Lunch Anyone?

I have a lunch meeting on Wednesday with my Munch Buddy Lori. I'm excited and nervous. I hope we get along. It should be fun.

Munch Buddies

Ok so I have decided to go to my first munch. Its not until the first of November so I've got plenty of time to chicken out, but I won't. I'm ready to be brave for once. The munch near here has an excellent program for newbies. Its called Munch Buddies. Before a newbie goes to their first munch, they can go the the munch website and request a Munch Buddy. The Buddy is always an existing and active member of the munch. They are as close to the person's age and preferences as is possible. My Buddy is named Lori. She is also a little girl submissive. I'm so excited to get to know her. I can't wait until the first!

A Community Affair

Lately I've been pretty lonely. I've been wanting someone to talk to who knows and understands my submissive self. I just want a friend to talk to about how I am feeling since Daddy and I split and I moved back in with my husband. I feel like I am so alone. I can't talk to my husband about it obviously, he cringes whenever I even mention it. To him, those two months when I was moved out never happened. This makes it hard for me. I don't have any friends at all where we live and I don't know anyone in the "lifestyle" except my Aunts, but I want to talk to a friend my age, not a relative. I know this is picky and probably whiny, but I seriously need an outlet to be childish sometimes.

Enter munches. I have known about munches for awhile now, but could never find one nearby. Well I finally found one. Its a half hour drive, but its well worth it to me. I really want to go just to meet people and find a friend, or at least be around others like me. I just don't know what my husband will think about it. He doesn't really like the idea of me meeting groups of people without him, but I could never ask him to go. He is very uncomfortable with the BDSM scene in general. Its just not his thing. I know he is afraid I will "hook up" with someone, but as I understand it that isn't what munches are for. Its more like AA. Its a meeting for people into BDSM, not a singles bar. I just want to feel like I'm not so alone. I just don't know if he will like it, but I feel like if I don't go I will go crazy. Maybe I will work up the courage to talk to him about it, I just hope it won't hurt our relationship.

Gagging

So I've been thinking alot about gags lately. Since I am once again on the vanilla side of the relationship spectrum, there is alot I've been thinking about when it comes to D/s. But I digress. One slightly kinky thing my husband does like is breath play. He loves to choke me when he cums and I am more than willing to take anything I can get that makes me feel Dominated. Which brings me to my original point: gags.

There are sooooo many different kinds. My personal favorite however is the ball gag. Its a classic and there is nothing like biting down on the rubber ball and trying to breath with your entire mouth blocked. Its the best. I love being gagged. I have been thinking alot about getting one and then getting my husband to use it sometimes. I have no idea if this would work, but even if he doesn't want to use it I can still gag myself when he isn't home. Hehe.

Anyway I found this wonderful picture that I love. Its so raw and powerful. The look of total and grateful submission on the woman's face speaks to me so much, especially now. Enjoy!

Vanilla...Not Just for Pudding Anymore!

Some days I wish I were vanilla. My life would be so much easier without my need for Dominance. I need to feel submissive in my relationships, but most vanilla guys just can't handle that. They want an "equal partnership". And when I try to explain that its ok to use me in any and every way they can think of, they look at me like I'm nuts.

There is a real difference between being a person with a dominant personality type, and actually being a Dominant. Vanilla dominants just can't ever be a Dom no matter how much you love each other and want it to work. Even if everything else is great, you have to ask yourself how important is your submission? Because if the relationship can work vanilla style, but never with any kink, that question becomes very important.

You can try to drop the kink and live vanilla, but is it satisfying? Its not for me. That is why I have Daddy. He knows and understands me and what I need more completely than my husband. I love my husband, but I know now that he will never be everything I need. So now I am forced to choose: my unsatisfying vanilla life with my husband, or my satisfying life of adultery with Daddy.

I really wish I could "do the right thing" and go back to my husband and drop the kink forever and life a "normal" vanilla life and be happy. That last part is the problem, happiness. The last time I tried this way, I wasn't really very happy at all. I felt like I was hiding a big secret and constantly wearing a mask so he wouldn't see what I needed. Daddy saw through the mask like it wasn't even there. He gives me everything I need and I am so grateful for everything He does for me. But the fact remains, I am married. I just wish I didn't have to choose.

Phoned

I talked to Daddy today. I feel scared and excited every time I hear His voice. I can't help but want to do whatever He says, to tell Him everything. I know that I hurt Him very, very badly when I didn't go like we planned. I want to make it up to Him. I know now that no one can replace Him, no matter how much I care for them. He is my Daddy Dom and no one can ever take His place in my heart. I love Him with all of me, the true me, and I know that despite doubts, I am and always have been His.

Whats A sub Without A Dom?

Daddy wanted me to come to Him. He was going to buy my ticket and I was going to leave last Thursday. It was everything I had wanted, everything I had dreamed about for months. But Wednesday night, I knew I couldn't do it.

I called Him and told Him I couldn't go. I didn't know why then and I still don't know why. Something inside of me just wouldn't allow me to take that step. I am heartbroken, and not just for myself. I hurt the one man that has truly seen what I am. I did the one thing I never wanted to do again. I hurt someone I love. Not even accidentally, but by purposely doing something that I knew would hurt another person to the core. Its times like this I ask what is wrong with me? Why am I like this?

I wonder if I am doing the right thing. Its too late now. I just hope my instincts were right and that there really is a reason I stayed. There are plenty of "practical" reasons, I just wonder what my heart was thinking this time.

Sick

I'm sick. This is the first time this fall I've been sick, but I know it will only go downhill from here. I'm always sick in the winter, my immune system sucks. Hopefully I will get over it and not be sick again for awhile, but its unlikely. I always feel miserable anytime I'm sick. I hate to lay around with nothing to do. It makes me feel lazy and worthless. Anyway being sick means I probably won't post for awhile, at least until I feel better.

Sleep, Revisited

Ok this will probably be a short post. I am very tired and rather pissed. One of the hazards of sleeping on someone's couch, is the possibility of being woken up at odd hours. Its usually not a big deal, but Friday nights are the worst. Last night I was going to sleep at 2. Not even a minute after I lay down, my cousins and their friends came running through and woke me up. This wouldn't have been a big deal, but one of his friends decided that he wanted to sit and talk to me. They were all pretty drunk, so I humored him for awhile. Long story short, I didn't get to bed until 5. I had to trick them out the door, then lock it. Then this morning I got woken up several times between 9 and 11, which is when I finally gave up on sleep altogether.

Sometimes I want to yell and scream and kick ass. I don't. I may think about it and really want to, but mostly I don't have it in me. I don't know if that makes me a better person or not. If it does, I have to wonder what the standards of decentcy have come to lately.

His Reasons

I was feeling pretty down the other day and Daddy knew it. He could tell something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was so we just talked for a bit and I hung up for the night. The next time I checked my email, I noticed that I had gotten a couple from Him. One was a story to go along with one I wrote for Him a while back. The other was a list of reasons. He had written it to cheer me up and it sure worked. I was crying by the time I finished the story, and sobbing by the time I read the reasons. He told me I could post it here, as long as I promised not to "fix" His punctuation. He told me that He wrote it that way because that is how He thinks. (i.e. comma free). He knows that I am the Comma Queen when it comes to writing. I love commas and use them even when it isn't warranted. So here is the email I got from Him in its original, unpunctuated form.

Reasons:

I don't really where to start my love. I just want to let you know how special you are to me. From the minute I started to think about you this just poured forward.

I love you because you are smart you love to laugh even at my cheesy jokes you are open with me you never doubt me when i do things that are good for you, you always make time for us you always watch my back you always make me feel better when I am low you always listen to me even when you don't want to you are willing to do anything for me/us you always tell me when you do the wrong things you always work your hardest to make up for mistakes you always keep yourself open to the world even though you don't like the people in it you always make it your business to take care of everything you always do your chores you are willing to always keep an open mind and the best reason for this whole list: YOU are the reason. you are the best reason in the world.

I love you my little one. You are daddy's angel. You are my heart. You are my love. Daddy loves you.

I wish so many things. But You are the best reason to keep me going. And we are going to do this. Daddy needs you.

Not Much to Say

I really don't have much to say today, but I feel obligated to post at least every other day. I have been going back and forth rapidly lately in my emotional state. I will go from depressed to energetic to happy to lethargic in a matter of hours. Sometimes I can't sit still, other times it seems like a chore to even get up off the couch. Right now I feel so energetic I can barely stand to sit and write this.

I feel sometimes that I am tingling all over and like I am going to explode if I don't get up and go somewhere. Too bad I can't go the only place I want to go. I want to be with Daddy. I feel like I have to be there with Him. Every time I think about Him, which is almost every moment of my life, the tingly, exploding feeling increases and I can feel the skin on my scalp tighten. I need to leave and be with Him. I want to be cautious and I want to throw caution to the wind. How can I be so conflicted?

He is what I want, but I know I need to be patient. It is just so hard to be patient when every nerve in my body is screaming constantly that I have to be there with Him. I hate being separated from Him. It probably doesn't help that I am currently camping on my aunts' couch. I have always hated feeling like a nuisance. I know they don't think of me that way, but I feel like I'm in the way.

If it weren't for Daddy's daily phone calls, my books, and my ipod, I would have gone crazy already. I need distraction from my thoughts. I can feel my thoughts building in my brain, threatening to overwhelm me. I have to stay strong, even though all I want to do I curl up and cry most of the time. I am just so ready to take this next step into my new life and I feel like I am being held back by things that shouldn't and won't matter in such a short time. I know its childish, but I can't help but want to stomp my foot and pout that its not fair. Lifes not fair, that is one thing I have learned and believe whole-heartedly.

Birthdays

As my birthday gets closer, I feel the moodiness and minor depression that always accompanies it. I tell myself that I am not old enough to be depressed by my birthdays, but deep down I know that it has nothing to do with age. I have always been disappointed by my birthdays for as long as I can remember. The last time I actually had a birthday party was when I turned 11.

After that year, my mother either forgot my birthday entirely, or used it as an excuse to throw herself and her friends a party instead. I learned to dread my birthdays for these reasons. Even though I am on my own now, and have been, I still can't help the creeping depression that comes over me this time of year. I have tried to throw myself a party, but it always makes me feel even more lonely and sad.

I had hoped that this year would be different, now that Daddy and I are together. However, He told me that He can't make it here in time for my birthday. I knew that this would probably happen, but deep down I had hoped for a birthday miracle. I don't want to sound childish and greedy, but just this once I had hoped for a special day unlike the birthdays of the past. It sounds horrible of me to complain like this, but I can't stave off the disappointment I am feeling about it. I know that Daddy and I will have many more birthdays for me to celebrate, I just wanted the first one to be special in some way. I hate being this far apart from Daddy.

Ok I am going to stop whining and wallowing in self pity now. I hate to feel this selfish and childish. This is the little girl part of me I usually refuse to indulge and for good reason. I can't usually stand myself when I am like this. So I am going to push through this funk this year and be the best I can for Daddy. After all, that is what I have dedicated myself to.

Punishment

One thing Daddy hates more than any single other thing I do is when I criticize myself harshly. I often believe that I am not good enough, and fear that I will never be good enough for Him. We have talked about it several times, and I thought I had it under control. However, last night I slipped up. I was talking with my cousin and another friend until my bedtime was past. Daddy text me not long after I noticed this. I ignored the text and tried to get them to leave so I could call Him like I'm supposed to. I didn't want Him to know that they were still here and that I wasn't ready for bed. I knew I was going to be in trouble so I tried to get them to leave before Daddy called.

Well as the phone rang, I panicked a bit. I told my cousin she had to go to bed and practically begged her and the friend to leave before I answered the phone. When I answered I could tell Daddy was pissed. His voice was low and gruff like it is when He is very upset. He asked why I was ignoring Him. I tried to keep a light voice as I told Him that I wasn't ignoring Him, I just wasn't tired yet. Big mistake. His voice was practically a deep growl as He told me He didn't care if I was tired or not, I was going to bed and that He shouldn't have let me stay up late the last two nights. He asked why I hadn't called Him like I was supposed to. I can't lie to Daddy so I told Him how I couldn't get my cousin to leave on time like He told me to and that I was still wound up from talking and joking with them and I didn't want Him to be angry or disappointed in me for not doing what He said to and that I just wasn't good enough. Mistake number two.

For anyone who hasn't had a long distance punishment, let me tell you, its worse than getting one from Daddy himself. He uses me as His proxy for giving out my punishments. So as you can imagine, they aren't nice or easy and He makes me do twice as much to myself because He knows it is a lot harder to hurt myself like I need.

First He had me dig my nails into my lower ass cheek as deep and as hard as I could. Then He sent me into the bathroom and made me kneel on the linoleum. Then He had me squeeze my chest down as hard as I could with my fingers and palm. This was especially hard because of the large size of my breasts, they don't go flat. Anyway then I had to look in the mirror and repeat to Him that I didn't deserve Him and smack myself in the face every time I said it. After three good, hard, cheek reddening slaps He let me stop. He asked me if I understood how wrong I was when I said that. I said Yes Daddy. He told me that it isn't up to me whether I'm good enough or not. As long as I am doing my best for Him, He said that it isn't my decision, its His. He said He will let me know if I need improvement, and mistakes don't make me less worthy, they make me human.

I know He is right. I gave up the ability to make that decision when I accepted Him as my Daddy Dom. I gave Him the power to decide and choose for me. I know this, it is just so hard with Him being so far away. I want to be with Him more than anything. I would have given almost anything to have been kneeling in His bathroom, waiting for His hand or belt to strike. Punishing myself is more of a punishment just because I would give almost anything for even the closeness of a slap. When I punish myself for Him, it just feels empty. I don't really know how to describe it. I guess its one of those things that you understand because you've been there, or you just don't get. Either way, I cannot wait until I am with Daddy. Only one more month.

Literature

I am, and always have been, in love with books. I taught myself to read before I was 4 and have not stopped reading since. I love to read almost anything. Words are like water for my mind and my soul. Nothing else I do strictly for myself nourishes me like reading. However, I have always had little patience for "romance" novels. I have tried to read these several times, but could never find myself interested enough to keep reading after the first dozen pages. To me the people and situations are too unrealistic and poorly thought out. Besides, why read about some one's ideal vanilla love life, when I am living one that is so much better for real.

This is not to say that I don't read erotica. I love a good story as long as its well written. Daddy frequently sends me stories He has found when I have been good. But all of the stories I read have a degree of kink to them. For me, "normal" sex is boring to read about. It can be fun and enjoyable in practice, but if I want a fantasy, its not going to be that. The problem I have encountered however, is not finding kinky erotic stories, the problem is finding kinky erotic books.The town where I am currently living has no adult bookstores, in fact the closest one is quite a drive. Most of the adult stores nearby only sell toys and peepshows. The closest regular bookstore is a half-hour drive, and they won't carry anything that would interest me. (i.e. anything with BDSM content).

Ordinarily things like this don't bother me. I have a plethora of online erotica to choose from. However, to me nothing compares to a tangible book in my hand. I love the feel of smooth pages turning between my fingers, the smell of new paper and glue, the ability to pick it up off the shelf and peruse its content at any time, and yes, even the ache in my hands from holding it for hours on end. I love it all.

Enter Aunt S. She saved me from the delusion that no tangible erotica of the BDSM variety exists. I was starting to wonder if anyone published it at all. After we were done cleaning the bedroom closet Sunday, she handed me a book entitled The Marketplace. This book and the series it belongs to, is the reason my posts have been short and seldom for the last few days. I couldn't put it down. I suggest anyone that is interested in an actual cohesive, well written plot, pick this up. It is not like normal fantasy BDSM erotica. It deals with the training of slaves in a professional and realistic fashion. The mood of the story changes rapidly depending on the situations described and really give the reader a true feel for the characters.

I won't talk too much and ruin it for anyone who hasn't read it. Suffice to say, I enjoyed the first one very much and look forward to starting the second as soon as I post this. Thanks again Auntie!

Sunday=Cleaning

Today Aunt S and I are cleaning out the bedroom closet. It is a huge walk-in closet and is filled with boxes of stuff that has to be put away. It is a monumental task, but I am sure that we can get it done today. I really don't mind cleaning. In the last two days I have cleaned the bathroom and kitchen as well.

I think I love the feeling I get from cleaning. It makes me feel productive and useful. I need to feel that I am doing something that shows my submissive nature, while not being being obvious to anyone who doesn't know me that well. I need to feel obedient. I love the feeling I get when someone tells me what to do and I acquiesce without protest. For me cleaning is tangible proof of my love and submission. It is such a rush for me. I love cleaning days, and I can't wait until it is Daddy's house I am scrubbing.

Crisis Averted

Daddy gets off work at 7 pm every day. He always calls me on His way home, to check on me and see how my day has been. I look forward to His calls more than anything else in my daily life. Hearing His voice is so soothing and knowing He cares enough about me to take the time to see how I am doing while He is gone.

Today I sat at 6:50, phone in hand, waiting for His call. So I waited....and waited....and waited... By the time 7:15 came around, I was worried. He has never neglected to call me. By the time 7:30 arrived, I was very worried. I started to go through everything I had done in the last few days, anything that could have made Him mad. I was worried that I had done something to make Him want to punish me like that because He knows that the worse punishment is the absence of Him in my life.

I couldn't think of anything I had done to warrant such a punishment. Immediately after this train of thought derailed, panic swept through me. I started to think of anything that could have happened to Him. Car accident, building collapse, random psycho with a grudge against the person next to Him and horrible aim, in short everything that could have gone wrong.

By 8:30 I was beside myself. I had not had a panic attack for awhile, but I started to feel one closing in on me. To distract myself and the impending whirlwind of panic swirling around my brain I decided to scrub the bathroom with a fury. So I began to scrub on my hands and knees until my knuckles were raw, panic flooding me the whole time.

After awhile, Aunt D called me into her room to run an errand for her. I grabbed my keys and went to the store, still full of fear for Him. When I got back I sat down to try to calm myself before tackling the bathroom again. As I stood to return to my panic chores, my phone rang. I saw the caller I.D. read His number. With relief, I grabbed up my phone and answered. He could tell I was upset and we talked about what had happened.

My cell phone has bad reception here, so I guess that when He called me after work the first time, my phone just didn't ring. He assumed I was busy or that I didn't have reception (which was logical, since I have had phone problems for awhile now. go figure that I wouldn't think of it).

So long story short, the panic crisis was averted. He called me, and I am feeling fine now. I am somewhat ashamed at my reaction, but reassured too. I love that He is that important to me and that He is the stabilizing force in my everyday life, even if He can't be here right now.

A Beautiful Sentiment

While I was browsing the Internet the other day, I happened upon a website written by a Daddy Dominant. It is rare for me to find a page that means something to me. Usually it is the same sentiments and phrases repeated over and over in an endless catechism until the sentiments themselves lose the special meaning they had in the first place. I am repulsed by the lip-service most people give to ideals that really should be treasured. This being said, I know that not everyone values what I do. However, when I read things that to me are so beautiful as to bring tears to my eyes, I can't help but sit back and wonder how others cannot be touched as well, how someone else could read the same beautiful words, and be repulsed.

However, I will let that go for a moment to concentrate on that site this post is about. I will re-post his touching words for you, make of them what you will. I will also include the address for his page so you can feel free to check it out. If he happens to read this and want me to take it down, I will gladly and immediately oblige. That being said, enjoy.

People ask, What is a Daddy Dom. Well, to start with, a Daddy Dom is first and foremost a Dominant. His choice is to be a Daddy Dom, this does not mean incest (as has been said in the past by ignorant people) rather a Daddy Dom is One who cares for, nurtures, shapes, and molds his babygirl into the image He thinks she should become. He sees in her someone who can achieve a much higher, much greater status. He often times believes more in her, than she believes in herself.

His love for his babygirl goes without question. He loves her as much for who she is, as for what she will become with His guidance. she is ...... His prized possession. a Daddy's eyes will light up when she comes into a room and take great pride in her success's. Afterall, He helped to create her. She holds the most tender part of His heart and has greatest power to hurt Him.

This love would not be possible without respect. A Daddy Dom needs to feel pride in his lilgirl. He needs to know she can hold her own in the outside world and still submit to Him. He holds the greatest respect for the gift she has given Him and takes great pains to increase it’s value. It is extremely important to Him to know she can be with any man and she chooses to be with Him.

He knows that this makes discipline a priority in their lives, His discipline is more important than in some other D/s relationships. In order for the lilgirl to really trust, she must know He means what He says. If His lilgirl is going to be the best she can possibly be He must stand firm. He uses his experience in life and His knowledge of her to provide proper direction and punishment when the need arises.

If He does not enforce discipline, this respect becomes a tenuous thing. If His submissive finds that she can manipulate Him out of punishing her, she begins to lose respect and the ability to empower becomes impeded. He understands that it becomes increasingly difficult to be possessed by someone you do not respect.

This takes great strength on His part. It takes strength to control her, and to shape her to His needs and desires. It takes strength to be her confidant, her shoulder, her anchor. It takes strength to let her out into the world when all He wants to do is hold her safe in His arms. And it takes strength to do what is necessary when she needs to be disciplined.

A Daddy Dom provides something else that is very important to His submissive...acceptance. She is safe in His arms because He knows her, everything about her, and He still loves her. When she goes to Him she knows that this Man knows all of her dirty little secrets and it doesn’t matter. To Him she is and always will be beautiful.

A Daddy Dom and a Sadistic Dom are by no means mutually exclusive. Many Daddy Doms embrace their sadism while understanding and feeding their submissive's masochism. This balance is necessary to many lilgirls because it allows all parts of her to be nourished, leading to an incredibly fulfilling relationship.

I think most Dominants have a bit of the Daddy in them, taking on the role of Male authority figure in the submissive’s life and using their power to enrich that life. Daddy/lilgirl verbalizes that feeling, and adds a dimension of warmth, caring, and ritual that it’s participants crave.

Perhaps a Daddy Dom is something only a lilgirl can understand.

The address for the page is: http://www.daddy-denial.com/2.html.

I think this passage effects me so much because it reminds me of Daddy. He is everything here to me and more. He is not just a Dominant, but a nurturer, provider, lover, and so much more. I hope one day to live up to His expectations for me and become the person He believes I am and could be.

Education for a Subbie

Since Daddy is very busy and very far away, He has not had as much time to look after my discipline lately. I was already worried I wouldn't be ready for Him when He came to me because I am still so new to being a full time submissive. I still have trouble obeying in a timely and non-confrontational manner sometimes, and still have minor episodes of rebellious defiance that I have to work through. I don't believe that it is a lack of desire or willpower that causes these lapses, but more a lack of training and experience. Even though, it is still very hard for Daddy to do this over the phone, especially when He is working.

To solve this problem, one of my aunts thought that she could train me properly, until Daddy could get here to take over for her. As I have written before, my aunts are also involved in a D/s relationship, although not full time. For the sake of clarity I am going to refer to my Dominant aunt as Aunt D, and my submissive aunt as Aunt S. Aunt D wanted to retrain Aunt S anyway since she was out of practice and a little unruly at times. I think it will be wonderful having my aunties showing me how to be better for Daddy. This way I will have the guidance of two experienced people who I love and trust.

I called Daddy to ask how He would feel about the arrangement. He agreed that it might be better to have an experienced Dom train me so that I wasn't out of practice and spoiled when He got here. With a small bit of reluctance, He gave consent for Aunt D to give me some generic subbie training. I am not sure how it will be since Daddy and Aunt D are very different in their styles and preferences. Also with Aunt D there will obviously not be a sexual nature to what she is going to teach me. However, regardless of the nature of the tasks, orders are orders.

This should be an interesting month for sure.

Visitation and Anticipation

Currently I am staying with my aunts until I can stay with Daddy. They have been so good to me. I have no idea what I would have done without them. They help me so much, and not just by giving me somewhere to sleep. They have given me excellent advice and guidance.

Daddy should be coming up for a visit in October. I can't wait. I am so excited, but also scared. I worry so much about whether everything will go ok. He has never met my aunts. Their approval means alot to both of us. They are the only family I really have and I don't want to alienate them by running off with someone they don't like or trust. They don't deserve that, especially after they have been so good to me.

Hopefully, when Daddy comes to visit, I can go back with Him. He is planning to stay two full days here with me and my aunts. I want to go back with Him and stay for a couple weeks, before I have to come back for my things. By then I'm sure everything will be worked out. I just can't wait until He has the time to come up here. I want to see Him so badly.

I am so exhausted. The last few days were so stressful. I told my aunts about Daddy and me, made plans for Daddy's visit, and moved out of my old house. Today I have a job interview too. Since when was I so busy? Oh well, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to be able to be with Daddy.

Collared

I've noticed that in many D/s relationships ( especially the Master/slave relationship) collaring plays a big role. The Master or Dominant will present Their submissive with a collar as a symbol of their status as the sub in the relationship. Most of the Masters will actually use it as a symbol of Their slaves ownership. My thought is why can't it be more than that?

To me being collared by Daddy does not mean He owns me, rather that I have given myself to Him. To me there is a big difference. Daddy has told me many times before that just because I have given myself over to Him, I am not property. He does not own me and wouldn't want to. He loves me and just because I have given Him complete control of my life, doesn't mean that He wants me to be His slave. That is not the kind of relationship we have. I know that it is right for some people, but not for us.

I love Daddy and when I am collared I will show it off with pride. To me it is a symbol of my commitment to Him and our relationship. When He places it around my neck, I will never take it off. Only He can do that, and I know He wouldn't do that unless absolutely necessary for our safety and/or comfort. A married woman would not remove her wedding ring to go into public, just like I would not remove my collar. To me it would be more embarrassing to be without it, than it would be to wear it. It shows the outside world that I am proud of being my Daddy's girl and I would never hide that.

Support is a Wonderful Thing

I have never had a good relationship with most of my family. My parents were divorced when I was very young and my mother and I never really got along. The only family I ever really had to rely on were my aunts. Whenever I had a problem or needed to talk and take a break from my mother, they were always there to help me with advice and a comfy couch.

I knew when I started my relationship with Daddy that I would never be able to explain it to my mother. She is very closed minded to anything "abnormal" and could never understand my happiness. However, it is days like today that I am so thankful that I have my aunts. They are themselves involved in a D/s relationship and were the first to support me and calm my concerns when I first came to them about my interest in BDSM. Then today I told them about my relationship with Daddy and what it meant to me. They were happy for us, if a little skeptical about the safety of our relationship since Daddy and I live so far away from each other.

I was so proud and happy also when Daddy called to speak to my aunts, even though they hadn't known about the specifics of our relationship and hadn't ever spoken directly to Him. I was so relieved when they all got along great. Daddy is wonderful at putting people at ease when He meets them. He is so sweet and honest and people can always tell He is a good person. He was completely honest with both of my aunts and even convinced them to give me a good spanking for Him!

I am so blessed to have such wonderful people in my life. I cherish the love and support of my aunts so much. And of course I would be nowhere without Daddy, the love of my life, my soul mate. He is the only person on earth I can truly be myself with all the time without any worries or embarrassment. I am so grateful for His love and understanding.

Age Play and Incest

One of the most common misconceptions I seem to encounter everywhere is about incest and age play. People seem to think that just because I love Daddy so much, I must want to sleep with my birth father, or that I pretend I am Daddy's actual child. While this may be true for some people (I can't speak for everyone) it is definitely not the case with Daddy and I. Yes He is 5 years my senior. Yes I call Him Daddy. But no, I don't even begin to consider Him a replacement for my birth father, whom I do have a normal, healthy, and loving relationship with.

I have never wanted to engage in incestuous relationships with anyone, especially not my father. The relationship between Daddy and I is not about the words we label each other, but the love and respect we mutually share. The word daddy brings with it feelings of security, trust, and unconditional love. Daddy is a nurturer by nature and loves to guide me and make me the best possible person I can be. He is gentle and loving, but can be stern and unyielding when it is in my best interest. He is strict, but only because He truly loves me and cares for my well-being. In return for His unconditional love and guidance, I offer Him complete obedience and respect. I respect Him for who He is and what He is doing for me. I trust Him completely and am completely honest and open in all things. Without this trust and respect, what we have is not possible. He recognizes my feelings for Him as the valuable gift they are and loves me for the trust and adoration I place in Him.

I trust Daddy more than anyone in my life. I always trust His judgement, and His decisions always override mine. I know that I cannot always make the best decisions for myself, and if our opinions differ, I always take His advice and instructions. He has never misled me yet. Yes, I realize Daddy is a person and can make mistakes, but I know that any decision He makes will be for my own good, and if it is wrong then it is through no fault of His. He would never try to do anything to jeopardize my safety, trust, or general well-being.

Although there is a gap in our ages, it is not any wider than one found in a "normal" relationship, and honestly not as wide as some. This age gap has absolutely no bearing on our relationship. It doesn't affect us anymore than in other relationships where one person is slightly older than the other. I hate that people not only misconstrue the nature of our relationship, but try to twist it into a sick perversion. Even some people familiar with the BDSM lifestyle have been confused and replused by what I am and my relationship with Daddy. Personally I think its all about understanding. If only there was more of that going on in the world, I think it would be a much better place for all of us. I guess I'll just keep dreaming.

Sleepless

Daddy and I are currently far apart. He has to be several states away right now, and I have to wait another month until I can be with Him again. This hurts me so badly. I feel as though my heart is being torn to shreds every moment we are apart. He knows how badly I miss Him and He misses me too.

To compensate for being so far apart for so long, Daddy and I are on the phone about 10 hours a day. And no matter how busy He is, He always calls when He is ready for me to sleep. I haven't gone a night without Him putting me to sleep in what feels like ages. I'm actually not able to sleep anymore, unless we go through our nightly ritual.

I have never really been a sound or heavy sleeper. To top it off, I also have night terrors and sometimes scream myself awake. And after I had woken up, I could never get back to sleep, and as a result, I would sometimes go weeks without more than a couple hours of sleep. I've always had this problem and can't remember a time this did not contribute to the reason I was undesirable to anyone before Daddy. However, needless to say, He is different. Not only does He not mind my restless slumber, He always just calms me and puts me back to sleep. He is so kind and understanding and a million other wonderful things. I am so unspeakably grateful for this and so many other things.

Now that we are apart, Daddy has a rule: if I wake up for any reason after He has put me to bed, I am to call Him immediately and He will put me back to sleep. I was nervous at first because this meant that I would be waking Him, sometimes after only an hour or two of sleep. I didn't want to disobey, but I balked at the thought of waking Him. I knew His sleep was much more important than mine. So the first night, I sat and fought with myself. Finally after about an hour of indecision, my will to obey won out over my unwillingness to wake Him. He was very upset when I told Him I had been awake for a long time. He put me to sleep, soothing me in a way only His voice can. The next morning, I was punished for waiting so long to call. Now on nights like tonight, when I am once again awake after only mere hours, I call first. He gave me permission to type this up before going to sleep again this morning, but its starting to get later every second and listening to His voice is working its magic on me. I can feel myself going to sleep when I wasn't even tired before I called. He truly is the best Daddy to me and I am so grateful to Him for loving me like He does.

To Thine Own Self Be True.....

In any relationship, honesty is always an asset. This holds even more true for any D/s relationship. With honesty comes trust and responsibility. Without honesty, the very foundation of everything BDSM is built on becomes compromised. How can you be submissive to a Dom or Domme when you don't trust them? How can you serve a Master or Daddy when they don't know what you need or want from them?

But before you can be honest with anyone, you have to be honest with yourself. I suggest making lists. It is the easiest way to find out what, in your heart of hearts, you need and want. Do research on the lifestyles and options, talk to other people that are living the lifestyle (online or off), and just find out what it is that turns you on! Its the best and safest way to connect with yourself and others.

Secondly, when you do decide what it is you need and desire for yourself, think about everything you need from your ideal partner. Think about what it is about your past relationships that worked and what didn't.

And finally, the hardest step, finding the person that is right for you. This is the hardest step. I know from experience that it is just not possible until you have done the first two. Once again, if you aren't honest with yourself about what you want and need, how do you expect to find it? This is also the step that is most tempting to "cheat" on. Most people are willing to ignore what they have already learned about themselves in order to settle on something they believe to be more easily obtained. Once again, I've been here too. It is so tempting when you find someone you believe to be perfect, but can't indulge in what you truly need in a relationship, to just settle anyway. Trust me, this causes more problems than it will ever solve.

Daddy and I had this problem at the first. I had already decided before I met Him that I wasn't going to settle ever again. So when I realized I was in love with Him, I balked. At the time I had no idea that He was into D/s or any type of BDSM. I never dreamed that my kind, understanding, wonderful boyfriend would be willing and eager to also be my Daddy. I realize that I am incredibly lucky. If He had not seen who I was inside, we probably would have eventually broken up because I wouldn't let myself be with someone who didn't or couldn't fulfill my needs. I also realize now how incredibly rare it is for two strangers who outwardly don't seek a specifically BDSM relationship to meet and fall in love without recognizing how right they are for each other. I wasn't actively looking for a Master or a Daddy or a Dom when I met Him and He wasn't actively looking for a submissive of any type. We just got lucky. Its rare, and it is alot more common to meet someone who is actively looking for a Master/slave, Dominant/submissive, or any other type of BDSM relationship.

My only real advice for anyone looking for this kind of relationship is to be honest, know what you want, and be safe. There are so many people out there, and only one may be right for you. Finding that one may be difficult and trying, but if you refuse to settle and succeed, the rewards are never ending and fully satisfying.

My New Life

As this is my very first blog, I will take some time to introduce myself and write a little about how I decided to create it in the first place. I have always been familiar with the BDSM lifestyle and recently have discovered many interesting and insightful blogs on numerous different types of these relationships from all points of view. However, as a 24/7 Daddy's girl submissive, I found a serious lack of blogs on the subject. I thought to myself that I should try to fill this gap as best I could to help others, like I was, learn about this type of relationship from a first hand point of view. I apologize if I don't do so well at first, as I have never blogged before. I only hope I get better with time.

Ever since I can remember I have always been interested in "alternative" lifestyles. I discovered as a young teenager I was a bisexual. My early relationships didn't last long because I always felt that I was missing something. I always seemed to drive both men and women away with my "unusual" ideas regarding sex and relationship structure. I took my concerns to my aunt who had lived happily with her wife for several years. I trusted both my aunts and had gone to them before for advice. They listened as I told them my concerns and instead of dismissing me, they introduced me to the world of BDSM which they had been involved with personally and through friends over the years. I was relieved when they told me what they knew convinced me I wasn't a freak for what I liked. I continued to do research on my own and began to discover discretely what I liked and didn't like about the different types of BDSM. Now that I knew what I really did want I began to search for a suitable partner. I have always known I was a submissive since I first learned the distinctions between the different roles in BDSM relationships. However, I never found anyone that was right for me.

Then several months ago, I met Daddy. I had always longed for a Daddy/little girl relationship, even before I knew anything about BDSM relationships or that other people felt the way I did. I knew I was in love with Him, but I was worried that He, like so many others, wouldn't accept who I was. I thought that no matter how much I loved Him, that we were doomed to fail. Then one day, after several months of dating, we were having phone sex, as we often did, and I heard Him say the words I had only heard in my wildest dreams. He clearly said to me "Cum for Daddy baby!" I was in shock. "How did He know?" I asked myself. I had been careful not to mention anything about it. I knew He could be kinky from our previous encounters, but I never imagined anything like this. I questioned Him later about it. He said He just felt that it was right. He knew me better and more completely than ever suspected anyone could. Come to find out, He had been looking for someone like me for a long time.

After my initial shock wore off, I asked Him what He wanted to do about it. He invited me to come live with Him so He could be my Daddy full time. I thought I had died and gone to heaven, I really did. It seemed too good to be true. And honestly it still does. I only wish I could have met Him sooner. He makes me feel so complete and I know He feels the same.

Ok enough with the trip down memory lane. As much as I love talking about my wonderful Daddy, this blog is for more than just fond memories. I plan on addressing common misconceptions about Daddy/girl relationships in my next post. I will probably cover many other topics as well as giving insights into my life with Daddy. If anyone has any questions or topic suggestions, feel free to comment and I will try to get back to you in a timely manner.