The Life of a Bi, Poly, Switch

More the Merrier

2011-07-27T22:32:00.003-04:00

Sunday was a very interesting day. I was off work so I spent it shopping and showing my new friend "Mary" around town. She and her husband, "John", are going to be moving closer soon. Since I have lived here most of my life I brought her along to show her the sights. After John got off work we all three came to my place. I already knew that they were a Dom/sub couple. Experiencing and participating in a play session with them was a new fun experience.

I have never had the opportunity to "team up" with another Dominant before and I have to say I love it. It was wonderful. Mary is a real pain slut. I've never had the pleasure of getting to play with anyone who actually gets off on the pain before. She also came to the conclusion that she was bisexual and both of them are eager to explore this side of her. I am only too happy to help :)

Anyway it seems that every Sunday will be our play day. Bear is going to try to get off work on Sundays so he can join in on the fun as well. I really hope that things will continue to go smoothly. So far they both seem to be fine with things and eager to continue to push all of our boundaries. I am actually touched that they have invited me to join in on this exciting journey with them. I enjoy getting to play the role of teacher for some things and in turn learn new skills to add to my repertoire.

Outdoor Fun

2011-06-30T01:41:00.003-04:00

This past weekend the weather was spectacular. And being the arrogant exhibitionist I am I decided that Bear and I would play outside for the first time. He was nervous at first (I have neighbors but there is adequate foliage to block any peeping), but I know him well enough to know that the risk is what makes it exciting for him. He followed me out to the back deck and helped me remove the porch swing from its anchor frame.

I had him strip off his shirt and hold his wrists out so I could bind them together with white silk rope then I secured them over his head to the swing frame. I used my scarf to blindfold him then opened his mouth and put in the gag. I took up my blue suede flogger and started slow. I seldom beat Bear because we are both much more into mental domination. I love it when we do play hard though, mostly because I know he doesn't enjoy the pain alone. He submits and offers his body to me, not for his pleasure, but for mine. It is very touching and it makes me so proud of him. This also means he is vocal when we play and he squirms, which only gives me an excuse to torment him more. It is a wonderful, wicked game that we both enjoy on occasion.

Afterward, I admired the butterfly pattern my strikes marked on his back. I moved closer until I was standing in front of his blindfolded eyes and placed my hands on either side of his face. I spoke to him gently and removed his gag. I could tell he was fine and untied his hands and removed his blindfold. I rubbed his wrists to make sure his blood was circulating and handed him a drink. It was a very enjoyable day outside. :D

Things To Love... (Pt. 4)

2011-06-21T22:52:00.002-04:00

5. His taste in music: It is wonderful that we have such a great musical relationship. Thats not to say that we always agree on every band (No Doubt), or that we are both in the mood for the same thing at the same time (which we rarely are). But we both do have many musical styles and bands in common that we do agree on (60s girl bands rock). Also it is fun to introduce him to new bands (Combichrist, which he loves) and to learn about new bands I had never heard before (Pixies, amazing!). I enjoy sharing and a certain closeness that comes from experiencing something so personal and touching with someone for the the first time.

Kinky Catch Up

2011-06-12T22:23:00.005-04:00

I have noticed that other than touting the many wonderful things about my boy I really haven't written anything for months. So I have decided that it is quick update time.

First of all I have been trying to improve my rope skills for my boy. He loves bondage and decorative rope work so I have been learning new knots and experimenting with new designs. Last nite I used white silk rope to make a chest harness and interlocking corset on Bear. It actually looked good and I was bummed I didn't have a camera for documentation. I will have to get my hands on one soon.

Also I have always been curious about lactation and adult nursing. Recently my boy confided that he also had always wanted to try it. So we have been doing research on how to induce lactation even though I have never been pregnant. We have been using the Marmet Technique as well as suckling. So far it seems to be working. No milk yet, but my breasts and nipples are swelling and slightly sore. This is supposed to be normal. I am also considering taking herbs to naturally stimulate as well. Even if I don't have any milk yet, I still enjoy trying very much. Hopefully we will be able to get positive results soon. From the information I have found, it is also helpful that I am on birth control that hormonally simulates pregnancy. This should make it much easier.

My boy is also discovering he can handle much more pain than he thought. We have been experimenting with his pain tolerance to see not only how much punishment he can comfortably take, but also what types of things he prefers. He seems to enjoy the same types of toys I do, floggers and other impact play objects. Also like me, he dislikes stinging toys like canes. He is also able to play quite often. We have been having at least one play session every two or three days instead of once or twice a month. I am extremely proud of him and I can't even begin to describe how much I have really come to love and appreciate him these last few months especially.

I think thats enough for now. Hopefully everything will continue to improve. My vanilla life isn't going nearly as well, but I am still holding out hope for that to improve as well.

Things To Love... (Pt. 3)

2011-06-10T19:22:00.002-04:00

4. His stubbornness: Usually this is considered a negative trait, but I don't see it that way. He is very strong willed and if he is insistent about something there is always a good reason. He can be very practical at times and helps to keep my feet on the ground when my mind is several steps ahead. He is always there with gentle reminders to eat or sleep when I have forgotten and he always makes sure I take care of myself when I would be neglectful of my own everyday needs. He knows when to take a stand and is not afraid to question things. He also refuses to let me overwhelm myself or work myself too hard. His stubbornness is a wonderful asset in our relationship and it is another thing I love about my boy.

Things To Love... (Pt. 2)

2011-05-19T23:55:00.002-04:00

3. His smell: Yeah I know what you are probably thinking, but I'm completely serious. Whether he is freshly showered or sweaty from work my boy always smells great. I don't understand how he does it, but I wish I could bottle his smell. I love to run my fingers up the sides of his face into his hair and plant kisses on the top of his head just so I can bury my nose in his scent. I imagine its how angels would smell if they existed. I love to hold him in my arms and be enveloped in his sweet scent. :D

Things To Love...

2011-05-15T03:21:00.002-04:00

2. Innocence: I love his innocence. Whether or not he is being shy or outgoing, sweet or stubborn there is an innocence and purity about him that shines like a beacon that blinds as it saves. It is an innocence I lost a long time ago, if I ever even had it to start with. It warms me and brings a smile to my face every day.

Almost Only Counts...

2011-05-11T04:08:00.003-04:00

So to keep things short and moving at a fast pace I'm going to be brief. I almost lost my boy and it messed up my world and the way I think about my life. So in an effort to remind myself how lucky I am to still have him in my life I am going to try to list at least one reason why I am grateful by listing all the things that I love about him.

1. His kindness: He is one of the most kind-hearted men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. He is more compassionate than I could ever be and I am grateful that he is there to temper my sternness with a kinder tone.

Playing in Public (Part 1)

2011-03-25T03:00:00.002-04:00

I know this is belated, but vanilla life family emergencies and school have kept me at a constant state of emotional and physical drain. March 6th I played with Bear at a munch party for the first time. It was amazing and intense. I will write more later. Too exhausted tonight.

Little's Night Out

2011-03-05T03:03:00.002-05:00

Today my friend Chickie and her daddy came to pick me up for a little's day with our friend Austin and his mommy. We went out for pizza then went bowling. It was super fun and I can't tell you how much I needed to get out and play with my little friends. I can't wait until tomorrow. It is munch night and I will get to see them all again, but this time I will have Bear with me. It was a great night and I am so tired. Gonna head to bed.

Rage

2011-02-25T13:10:00.004-05:00

I have always had a terrible temper, but I can usually control it very well. I have only "lost it" completely twice in my life. However, last night was the first time I even came close to losing it since I was 16.

Last night my boy and I went to a small party that some of our vanilla friends were hosting. It was just a small get together out in the country with only 6 people there counting Bear and myself. He decided to stay sober so I started doing tequila shots with my hostess friend. I usually don't drink tequila because it tends to make me short tempered, but since I was with mostly people I knew and trusted it didn't seem like a bad idea. I didn't drink enough to get wasted, but I did have 6 tequila shots in less than an hour.

That is when the only guy at the party I didn't know started teasing my boy. I told him to knock it off because he was drunk and I didn't want to listen to it. He would quit for awhile, but he was so drunk that he would get bored and forget I just told him to fuck off.

Around 5 a.m. Bear started to fall asleep so my friend said we could stay in one of the extra rooms. I helped her make it up then took my boy to bed. He laid down and crashed almost immediately. I was relaxed but still awake. After about 30 minutes I heard the door open. I saw that drunk asshole sneaking into the room like he was gonna crawl in bed with us. I sat up and glared and told him to fuck off. He did, but he kept coming back every few minutes to fuck with me since he knew I was trying hard not to wake Bear up and I wouldn't do anything.

After the asshole came in for the fourth time, I had had enough. I stood up carefully and moved to the door where he was standing and told him to get out or I would fuck him up. He got pissed and started yelling so I grabbed him by the throat and shoved him backwards over the t.v. This is when everyone else noticed something was going on. They tried to calm him down, but he was drunk and stupid and yelling his head off, trying to get up and come after me. Everyone else was holding him back and this is when Bear woke up. He had his hands on my waist like he was going to hold me back, but I wasn't about to let him get involved. My instincts were kicking in hard and my only thought was Bear's safety and well-being. I was fully ready to rip that drunk motherfucker apart, but I knew I couldn't loose it because Bear would get involved and I didn't want him to be.

Long story short, my friends talked him into the kitchen to try to calm his drunk ass down while Bear and I got our stuff and left. I was so pissed and at the edge of my control by the time I got to the car that my whole body was shaking violently. It took me a long time to calm down enough to sleep after that.

I think one thing nobody but my boy understands is that I am a very avaricious person. When something is mine, it is MINE, end of story. And nobody messes with my things. I protect and care for my own and fuck everybody else. That is how I am and always have been. Even when I am feeling submissive, I am still possessive over things that are mine. Bear is my boy and I would have killed that drunk motherfucker for hurting his feelings in a heartbeat.

We Are Family

2011-02-21T11:06:00.002-05:00

In some groups you will hear the comparison made between the group and a family. I have always felt close to my particular Munch group, but I realized Saturday night that we really are like a family. We get together for dinner, we talk, we laugh, and offer advice to help each other. Most of us try to keep in touch outside of the Munches too. It can be easy to take for granted, but I am impressed and touched by the way everyone really came together to remember their sister, Q.

I can't tell you how amazing it was to see everyone show up for Q's memorial. There were over 50 people who there and many more who couldn't be there that left messages of support and remembrance. It is in times of tragedy that the true character of the community as a whole is most visible. It really touched me to see everyone band together in grief and celebrate the life of an amazing friend. Q, you are loved and missed.

Too Much Pain

2011-02-08T10:51:00.002-05:00

As I sit here I am numb with pain. The world is now a much dimmer place without you in it. I received the news that Q passed away yesterday. I was honored to have had such an amazing woman as a friend and I cannot begin to describe how much she will be missed. I am sure that everyone one will agree that Q will leave a gap in our community that will never be filled. I can only hope and pray for her family and those of us who she left behind. My heart is broken and I feel as if I'm dying inside. Q, you are missed.

Too Spoiled?

2011-02-06T00:40:00.002-05:00

Lately I have really stepped back and realized how spoiled my boy really is. He grew up as essentially an only child and was always spoiled by his mother. This has made him a bit immature about some things. Mostly it is just being too selfish. Its not that he doesn't care about me or what I want, he just is so used to being taken care of that he doesn't think about how much work I have to put into it.

I love him, but sometimes I want things to be about me and only me. I want to get what I want without feeling like I'm a selfish bitch. It is so strange to me to care so deeply about his feelings that I am willing to sacrifice my own happiness and what I want for him. Maybe that is what love is...but if so what does that say about the way he feels? I honestly think he just doesn't think about it. I feel he takes me for granted. I just want to feel special and I've told him this. And when he remembers me, I do feel like the only and best woman in the world...but more often than not I feel as if I'm an afterthought.

I guess I just don't know what to think, let alone what to say to him.

February Make-Over

2011-02-03T02:57:00.002-05:00

I decided to give my blog a romantic make-over in honor of Valentine's Day. I am a little nervous about the holiday this year because it was always a special day when I was with Sir. I hope that I won't ruin things because of that. I don't have much experience with relationships honestly. Before I was married, I was the love 'em then leave 'em type. I didn't ever really date or anything so I'm nervous about what to do. Bear has said that he wants to take control of the holiday which is fine with me since I don't know what to do.

I am the rose of Sharon,
and the lily of the valleys.
As the lily among thorns,
so is my love among the daughters.

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood,
so is my beloved among the sons.
I sat down under his shadow with great delight,
and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

He brought me to the banqueting house,
and his banner over me was love.
Stay me with flagons,
comfort me with apples:
for I am sick of love.
His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand doth embrace me.

I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem,
by the roes, and by the hinds of the field,
that ye stir not up, nor awake my love,
till he please.

The voice of my beloved!

Behold, he cometh
leaping upon the mountains,
skipping upon the hills.
My beloved is like a roe or a young hart:
behold, he standeth behind our wall,
he looketh forth at the windows,
showing himself through the lattice.

My beloved spake, and said unto me,
Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.

For, lo, the winter is past,
the rain is over and gone;
the flowers appear on the earth;
the time of the singing of birds is come,
and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;
the fig tree putteth forth her green figs,
and the vines with the tender grape give a good smell.

Arise, my love, my fair one, and come away.

O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock,
in the secret places of the stars,
let me see thy countenance,
let me hear thy voice;
for sweet is thy voice,
and thy countenance is comely.

Take us the foxes, the little foxes,
that spoil the vines:
for our vines have tender grapes.

My beloved is mine, and I am his:
he feedeth among the lilies.
Until the day break,
and the shadows flee away,
turn, my beloved,
and be thou like a roe or a young hart
upon the mountains of Bether.

-Second Song of Solomon

A Friend in Need

2011-02-02T18:25:00.004-05:00

When I first joined the local BDSM community the first friends I made have been my best friends. One of those friends was Q. She was my Munch Buddy Lori's best friend and the 3 of us have always been close.

I learned this morning that Q is in the hospital and it doesn't look good. She is currently in the ICU. I have been sending all the love and good thoughts I can her way and even though you may not know her, I encourage you to do the same. She is a wonderful person and she has changed my life for the better. I love you Q, get well soon.

Appendectomy and Other Fun

2011-01-30T21:44:00.004-05:00

Ok I had every intention of writing again way sooner than this, but the last month has been insane. Bear went into the hospital the week before his birthday to have his appendix out. He was sick and in the hospital for a little less than a week. Then he had to make sure he didn't pull his stitches or re-injure himself for 6 weeks after they released him. He was in a ton of pain for weeks. It was killing me to see him so miserable, especially since there was absolutely nothing I could do to help. Thank the Gods that he is recovered and doing fine now.

Then after that drama there was the insanity of the holiday season. *shudder* Enough said about that.

Finally the spring semester just started and because I'm me I have 5 classes right now. Homework is a giant, constantly crushing weight. Bear is taking 3 of the same classes which is mostly helpful. Although since I still have yet to find a job and he works 5 days a week, I end up being responsible for both of our schedules. This does not bother me.

Lately things have felt strange between us. He is still the sweet, wonderful submissive that I love most of the time, but sometimes it feels like he is fighting me even when I am doing what he wants. I don't know if it is just a defiant streak in his nature, or if there is a problem he doesn't want to talk about. I have prompted him to speak to me if something is bothering him several times, but he insists there is nothing wrong. Maybe it is me. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive and jumping at nothing.

It could always just be good old fashioned stress putting both of us on edge. We are both under pressure to save money and do well in school and maybe this is just a side effect. Whatever the case, I want my sweet boy to be my sweet girl again. It seems like forever since I made him feel like his sissy self that he hides from the rest of the world. I think I may have a long overdue surprise for him tonight, depending on how he seems after work. :)

Bad Luck

2010-12-07T21:58:00.002-05:00

I know I haven't been writing alot lately, but that is mostly due to a month long string of horrible luck. I lost my job, my car died, I got behind in classes because of the job that I lost, I was very sick for over a month, and other smaller crappy things. So long story short things have been pretty terrible here since the end of October. The only bright spot in this whole ordeal has been my Bear. He has been a true blessing and I honestly don't think I would have survived the last few months without him. If I ever do break down and let you read my blog sweetheart, know that you are wonderful and I am grateful the universe saw fit to bring you into my life.

That being said, I need to finish up with schoolwork so I will have to catch everyone up on my first play party with Bear next time I have some "me time".

Silken

2010-10-22T19:51:00.003-04:00

Earlier this week I had Bear wear one of his new pairs of panties. This pair is black and white gingham silk with a large border of black lace around the thighs and a small black bow right in the middle. They fit perfectly at first, especially in the back. His ass was so cute with the shear fabric hugging the supple curves. I couldn't keep my hands and lips off him. I laid him down on his back on the bed and tied his wrists together over his head with my white silk rope while he was wearing nothing but his new panties. I slowly kissed all over his body, avoiding the one place he wanted me to kiss. I ordered him to keep silent and still while I continued to tease him with kisses and bites all over. When I could tell he was ready I made him beg me for what he wanted. By that time he could hardly speak, but I made sure he addressed me correctly and begged me like the sweet little bitch he is.

I fucked his sweet girly ass for the first time then. I have been slowly playing with his slit and his tight little fuck-hole for the last few days to get him ready for me. He did really well for his first time. I didn't fuck him too hard or too long because I know how sensitive my little bitch is. I just wanted to stretch him out a bit so I can fuck him right soon. Even though I could tell he was a little bit uncomfortable he was still begging for more like a good little slut. I can tell that we will have tons of fun once I get him ready to take me right.

Afterward, I told him to shower like normal except I wanted him to shave his legs this time. He was nervous because he had never shaved them before. He did his best but I could still see spots where he missed after he was done. So before he got dressed or dried off I put him back in the shower and this time I shaved his legs perfectly smooth. He couldn't stop saying how weird it felt, but every time I looked over at him that night he was rubbing them together or running his hand over them. Not that I blame him, I couldn't keep my hands off him the rest of the night. There is nothing sexier than a sissy with smooth legs and silky panties laying in your bed. :)

An Excellent Evening

2010-10-17T22:20:00.002-04:00

I took Bear out to a nice dinner tonight. It was wonderful. We went to a Japanese restaurant where they prepare the food in front of you at the table. It was absolutely delicious and we had a great time. After dinner, we went to Cirilla's (which for those of you who don't know is an adult store) and bought goodies. I bought myself a black satin corset trimmed in black lace. It fits beautifully which is why I spent the $80 for it. For him I bought a small, ribbed, silicone vibrator and some lacy white panties. He doesn't know it yet, but I plan on introducing him to anal sex in the near future. However, he does know that the panties are for him and I can tell he is both excited and nervous about it. Wearing them has been a fantasy of his for a very long time and he is apprehensive about finally having it come true. I'm just plain-old excited. I love the way a sissy looks in white panties. It turns me on like nothing else. I can't wait until we finally get enough time to play. Its been too long since I've had a male subbie to play with. I'm sure he can't wait either. :)

Patience Has Its Rewards

2010-10-01T05:17:00.003-04:00

So I guess accepting the way things are and having patience has paid off in a big way for me. Although we are still taking things slow for the time being, Bear has decided to submit fully to me. He is mine and I can't even begin to describe the absolute wave of emotion that overtakes me when I think those words. It is the most euphoric and terrifying feeling I've ever had. He makes me feel like I am more myself, more complete and knowing that he is mine is an amazing thing. I am so grateful that I was able to find such a wonderful submissive when I was least looking for him. I feel like I have been given an amazing opportunity and I don't intend to squander a second of it. When I think the word "Mine" his face is what I see and vice versa. It is almost like he is part of me. I can read his every movement and expression so clearly. We are so in tune with each other it almost feels like telepathy. We just gravitate around each other without giving it a thought. Most times we don't even have to speak, every look says volumes. I can't believe we have only known each other for 6 weeks. It feels like lifetimes.

Standing Still

2010-09-30T02:28:00.002-04:00

Things are still at a stand still in my life. I have filed the divorce papers, but I have to wait 60 days for it to be final. Bear and I are still on pause as well. I feel like I am just waiting for everything right now. However, I don't mind it as much as I would have once. I feel like it is a much needed lesson in patience. I appreciate the chance to test my ability to wait and curb some of the impulsiveness I have been developing in the last few years. It is difficult, but I am managing pretty well.

There is really nothing else to say other than waiting, waiting, and waiting some more. :)

Exhausted

2010-09-11T23:34:00.002-04:00

Between preparing everything for the divorce, school, and packing I am thoroughly exhausted. I have a ton of things to do and not much time to do them. I am also essentially broke until I get my student loan refund which should be next week. I just hope I can get everything to come together. Preferably before I collapse. I am so thankful I have Bear to help me with everything. Even though we are not technically dating or doing anything naughty, we are still close. I can't wait until I am moved out and settled on my own as a single woman. I only hope everything goes well. Wish me luck.

Changes

2010-09-07T06:07:00.003-04:00

Sir and I are getting a divorce. We have been separated and sleeping apart for over a month. All that needs to be done is filing the paperwork and getting my things ready to move out. It will take another two or three months to get it finalized. We have just grown apart. Because of the pending divorce I have told Bear that we need to take a break for awhile until I get settled in a new place and get steady work.

The Other Half of My Soul

2010-09-03T02:45:00.003-04:00

I have found the other half of my soul. I'm not really sure how I lived before. The moment I met him we connected. His name is Bear. It was incredible. I never realized how incomplete I felt before. We are perfect for each other. He is a slave and he definitely brings out my Domme side. I couldn't have asked for a more perfect person. He is everything I have been missing in my life. We have not spent a day apart yet. I dread it because it is hard enough being apart for a few hours. When we are together I don't want to let him go. I always feel so content when he is near me and when we part it feels wrong. He soothes me like no one else ever has and when we are together I feel whole.

Officially the Weird One...

2010-08-22T02:36:00.002-04:00

So its finally official...I am the weird one in my family. The one that you come to when you have something weird or potentially embarrassing to inquire about. So let me break down the evening for you:

My 15 year old nephew confided in my sister that he is bi-curious and a furry. Being a lesbian she knew how confusing it can be when you are young to have these thoughts and feelings, but she felt out of her depth. So she called me and told me the situation. She is aware that I am in the BDSM community so she felt I would be better equipped to handle his questions. I agreed to talk to him and she said she would tell our brother (his dad) that I was willing to talk with my nephew.

Now for a little bit of important family history. My brother and I only recently started talking after a 5 year angry silence. So imagine my surprise when he called me immediately to talk. He wanted to understand what it meant and was honestly asking my opinions and advice. Not only that but after I reassured him, he invited me to dinner next Sunday to talk to my nephew and bake cookies and watch videos. It was amazing.

I guess its just good to know that even though I'm the "weird one" I have a place in my family. Its nice to be needed. :)

Nothing Much...As Per Usual

2010-08-20T02:59:00.002-04:00

I was going to say I haven't been blogging because I've been busy, but in the interest of truth thats not why. Honestly all of the things keeping me busy are fairly mundane. Sir and I moved...again. So that has been the major part of my busy-ness. Also I am starting college on Monday and the only thing they haven't asked for is a signature in blood. Other than that I've just been trying not to be too bored and grabbing every chance at social activity with both hands and clinging like a survivor of a shipwreck clings to a floating piece of debris. Sometimes I wonder how pathetic I seem to my friends and acquaintances. The lack of social communication with anyone other than Sir and my new kitten, Pumpkin. Maybe it will be good for me in the long run, but for now it is making me crazy! I absolutely cannot wait for Monday...if only I didn't have to be awake before 8 am...

Will Work For Free

2010-07-08T05:06:00.003-04:00

So I have been busy lately as I have stated before. Last weekend I babysat a four year old Saturday and Sunday. It was crazy. He is so energetic. And best of all, I did it for free. I will also be watching him again this coming weekend. My friends who own a bookstore are remodeling this month and they are hanging drywall this week. I offered to help them out for free as well. Also the game store where Sir and I met is moving this month and I might also help them out with that as well. Best of all my munch group has leased a dungeon space. They need volunteers to help get the space refinished and decorated by the first week of August. I am supposed to go help out this Friday. All in all, it is going to be a very busy week.

In addition to all the free labor I am offering this month, I am also still getting everything together for our move and for school at the end of August. I hate packing and I am royally sick of packing up everything we own. Especially since we are only moving 30 minutes away. I wish there were magical packing faeries. That way I could just leave out some milk, bread, and honey and not have to pack a thing. :P

Been Awhile...

2010-06-27T03:50:00.005-04:00

I realize that I haven't been posting much lately. Honestly I just don't really feel like it. I'm not sure how to say anything I want to right now. Long story short, M and I broke up. I didn't like how obsessive and possessive she was getting. She was having alot of trouble dealing with the 3 hour drive between where we live and I couldn't handle her constant nagging and mood swings. I just don't think she was mature enough to have a long distance relationship. It breaks my heart, but I don't need that much crazy drama in my life, its crazy enough.

Speaking of crazy life things, Sir and I will be moving yet again. We found a small place in the country. Its on a farm in the woods. I'm excited about it. The house is the perfect size for us. It needs some work on the outside, but the inside is in great condition. Maybe I can talk Sir into getting a pool this summer. :)

I will also be starting college this fall. Sir didn't get into the Officer School. I was really upset at first, but we just have to accept it and move on with our backup plan. I should be signing up for classes soon. I am so excited! I can't wait!

I also went to two Gay Pride Festivals in the last two weeks. My older sister went with me to both. It was so much fun. My best friend, G, went with me to the second one too. He is so much fun to be around. I love when he comes by the house. We plan on having a big party out at the new house as soon as we move in. Well I guess that is about it. I will try to post more regularly again, although I may be getting my new computer in a week or two so there might be a small interruption.

Disappointing News

2010-05-24T05:29:00.002-04:00

My sweet M will not be attending the next munch with me after all. She has work conflicts with that weekend unfortunately. This saddens me because I was really looking forward to showing her off to my kinky friends. Hopefully she will still be able to come spend time with me during her summer break. Here's hoping.

Abraided Leather

2010-05-19T07:19:00.002-04:00

Ok shameless plug post. I have been a member of my local munch group for quite awhile now and I have met many many wonderful people there. One of my favorite people is Mr. A of Abraided Leather. This man is seriously amazing. He is a very nice, friendly guy who is always willing to strike up a conversation or answer a question. In addition to his sparkling personality, he is also a skilled leather worker. He offers a variety of leather and imitation BDSM toys. I am absolutely in love with his floggers. His pieces are beautiful, well made, and very reasonably priced. Whats not to love? :P

Not only does he offer stock pieces, he does custom orders as well. He can make just about anything in any color. It is truly amazing. I suggest that anyone looking for affordable quality toys check out his site or if you are in the area, hit him up at a munch. He is almost always there. Plus he usually raffles off a toy or two at the munches with the profits going to the Humane Society. Talk about a great reason to part with a few bucks. :)

In conclusion, I guess I just can't say enough about Mr. A and his amazing work. He is a great guy with a great hobby. Check out his site at: http://www.abraided.com/
You will be glad you did. :)

Submissive Girl?

2010-05-17T05:14:00.002-04:00

I have been wondering lately if I should change the title of my blog. In some ways I think I should leave it as is because I still am a submissive girl. I still submit to Sir and Daddy, but it seems like most of the time I am in Domme mode because of M. I am not really as physically submissive as I would like anymore because Sir and I have settled into a style that suits our relationship much better. I am His little girl as well as well as Daddy's, but I am not beaten or physically punished at all by either. It would be pretty difficult with Daddy 20 hours away and Sir doesn't really enjoy the physical side of D/s. He is much more into the mental side of it.

This presents me with a quandary. I am a submissive as well as a Dominant. I am a switch so shouldn't the title of my blog reflect that. Before I had a submissive I never really had to worry about it. But now that I am actively in both roles shouldn't I take that role and adapt it to my blog.

I think that every person changes as they grow up and get more comfortable and learn more about themselves. A person's identity is a constantly evolving entity. As I continue to grow and change and discover new things shouldn't the way I identify myself in my public and private lives change too? I think so.

Too Busy...

2010-05-16T04:08:00.003-04:00

Lately I have been neglecting my blog. I guess I have plenty of excuses, and I really have been busy, but mostly its laziness. I really haven't felt like writing lately. Alot has been happening and I got behind...which made me put off catching up, which of course, put me further behind.

Things have been going well with M. She is very sweet and wonderful. I don't know how I got along without her before. She came down a few weeks ago and stayed with me overnight. It was wonderful. I spanked her until her entire ass was bright red and covered in hand print welts. :) It was fantastic. She is so sensitive, I had her squirming in no time. It was also the first time I fell asleep with her in my arms and I can't tell you how wonderful that was.

After she stayed with me I went home with her and stayed a few days. It was really nice because I met her fiance and their friends. We got to spend more time together and she showed me her favorite places in her hometown. We had a small incident the second day I was there. I had told her to kneel on the floor without moving or talking for one minute as a punishment for brattiness (of which she is guilty of quite a bit). She refused to do it, so I left her to pout on the bed while I sat in a chair and smoked, waiting for her to obey. After a few minutes she realized I wasn't going to give in to her pouting and knelt on the floor. Her one minute had been upped to six for disobedience. I timed her and after her punishment was up I pulled her onto the bed and held her and we talked over what had happened. I think that she is testing me as much as I am testing her. I know that she has had other Dommes in the past that have given in or failed to be Dominant and that has made her wary of me. I think that she is beginning to trust that even though strict protocol isn't my style I still have certain expectations of behavior that I will not budge on. Complete obedience to commands is one of those things.

When I got home from staying with M, I used clothespins on her breasts for the first time. After we got to my house the night she dropped me off, she ended up staying pretty late. I used my multi-colored pins to make a matching a flower pattern on both of her breasts. It looked wonderful and I wish I had taken a picture.

Hopefully M will be able to come stay with me the first weekend of June. I want to take her to the Munch and show her off to my friends. Also I hope to have a special surprise for her, but since she will probably read this I won't write what it is. I just hope she likes it as much as I think she will. :)

Well that is all the catching up I feel like tonight. Maybe I will write about my first date with M sometime in the future. It was a very interesting night.

Later

2010-04-14T00:08:00.001-04:00

I just got home from my date with M. Too tired for details. More later.

Girlfriend???

2010-04-12T02:59:00.002-04:00

Ok the last few days have been great. I met a girl online on a dating website I belong to. I will call her M. We have been chatting and texting for the last few days. I really like her and she is adorable. I am supposed to go meet her tomorrow. I am so excited! M is funny and sweet and submissive in a bratty way that reminds me of myself. She definitely brings out the Domme in me. Here is to hoping everything goes well tomorrow! :)

Hot and Bothered

2010-04-06T22:50:00.002-04:00

I am so horny I can't stand it. I want my Daddy so much tonight it is unreal. I have already cum three times thinking about being there with Him, with His hands on my body, His cock in me. It is driving me crazy. I am so wet I am dripping all down my thighs. I would give almost anything to be there with Him right now. I don't want to have to wait very long before I can visit with Him and Kitty. I hope I won't have to.

Pity Party

2010-04-04T21:22:00.002-04:00

I'm sure that if anyone out there has been reading my blog for the last year or two, you are sick of hearing about my self-centered babbling about how unhappy I generally am. For those people, I recommend skipping this post because that is all its going to be.

I am so sick of being so fucking unhappy. Daddy told me recently that being unhappy about who and what you are is like acid. It eats away at your core. I fully agree. Hardly a moment goes by that I don't feel it eating me away. I can't stop crying and hating myself. I can't change for my husband and it makes me hate that part of me that loves, craves, and ultimately needs everything that BDSM offers. I hate that who I am and what I need has yet again made me a failure. Once again, I'm not good enough or normal enough for something I want to work. I really thought that I could be happy vanilla if I just tried hard enough. Instead I just succeeded in making a mess out of my life and His too.

I hate that I will end up hurting Him. I hate that I can't change. I hate myself. And all that hate is eating away at me. I cannot keep going like this. Something has got to give, and soon. I think I will go insane if I keep going like this much longer. I can't handle it.

What happened to fairness? What happened to work hard to succeed? What happened to all you need is love? Where is the fairness in this? I've worked hard. I'm still trying. I've given and received more love than I've ever felt. So where is my happy ending? So where is my successful marriage? And where the fuck is my happiness?

Rain, Rain....

2010-03-28T18:17:00.004-04:00

Ok so this is a two sided post, neither of which is BDSM related (unless you count being enslaved by the PS3, which as a matter of pride, I don't). First of all, yesterday I got Heavy Rain for the PS3. OMG...I love this game. It is exactly what I have been looking for in a video game. Everything is based on a button pushing command system. There is no aiming and shooting, no ridiculously complicated menu to navigate. It is without a doubt the most immersive game I have ever played. At one point I was so sucked into it, I actually said ouch when my character accidentally cut himself on barbed wire. I love the mystery and the freedom of the world. You play as four separate characters all trying to solve the same murder case. The freedom of the world means that even if one of these characters dies, the story goes on without them. There is no real game over. I'm not even sure how many alternate endings there are. It is equal parts puzzle and action game with an excellent look and feel to it. Long story short, I highly recommend it.

Secondly, I am taking a much needed break. I played Heavy Rain for eight hours without a break last night, and then picked it up as soon as I woke up today. I think I need to chill for a bit without it (see above comment on enslavement). :P So when I took this break, the first thing I noticed was the extremely heavy rainfall outside. I couldn't help but wonder if there were any serial killers drowning children in it. I am beginning to think I may have a problem...video game overdose. For which, unfortunately, the cure is play more until you can't stand to even look at the system. I can't wait. :)

Missing My Daddy

2010-03-27T01:07:00.003-04:00

Wrote a pure sex story for Daddy. I was so hot and horny today I was going crazy. Daddy told me to write a story to release some of that tension. The following story is the result.

“That’s right babygirl. You know I love that sweet pussy of yours,” Daddy growled as she slid onto his shaft. They had been fucking like this for days. Angel just couldn’t get enough of him lately. And he couldn’t get enough of her.

“Oh Daddy,” she gasped “I love it when fuck me hard. Please Daddy, more” She immediately felt his pace increase as he buried his whole length inside her already aching pussy. Angel loved to feel her Daddy’s cock inside her, his balls slapping hard against her ass as he drove in deep again and again. She could feel his hands dig into her hips as she thrust up to meet him, faster and faster.

“Fuck baby! You better slow down unless you want me to fill that wet cunt of yours,” Daddy told her in a mock scolding tone. But Angel wasn’t fooled. She knew that he wouldn’t be ready to cum in her for awhile. Unless she gave him a little help. With a wicked grin, she thrust her hips up against him and began to swivel them in slow circles as he continued to thrust hard into her. Her smile got even wider when she saw his eyes close and heard him gasp.

“Whats the matter Daddy?” she asked in mock innocence. “I thought you liked it when I did this.” As she said the word, Angel once again swiveled her hips up to meet her Daddy’s thrust.

“You are my wicked girl. Aren’t you slut?” Daddy asked. “But Daddy can be wicked too baby.” He smirked at the concerned look that crossed her face. Then slowly he pulled out of her until only the head of his cock was inside her. She started to thrust up, but he stopped her by pinning her to the bed.

“Don’t like that do you little girl?” he asked as she struggled to bury him inside herself again. “Then you really won’t like this will you” he said as he slipped out of her entirely. She moaned as he slid his cock out of her. When she tried to get up to straddle his lap he pushed her back down. He could see she was pouting, but like a good girl she hadn’t said anything yet. He knew it was only a matter of time.

“Please Daddy,” she begged. “Don’t stop.” He just smiled and grabbed both of her wrists in his left hand. When he tugged her up she willingly stood. She couldn’t help but wonder he was going to do now.

“Lay face down across my lap baby,” he said. “I think you need a lesson on who is in charge around here.” Quickly she obeyed and was soon laying with her bare ass in the air on his lap. Angel could feel his hard wet cock pressing against her lower belly and couldn’t help but wiggle it against her as she lay on his lap. “Stop wiggling slut,” Daddy commanded. Instantly Angel froze.

Without warning Angel felt the sting across her ass as Daddy’s hand made contact with her bare flesh. She jerked her arms only to find that he still held her wrists in the hand that wasn’t turning her pale skin rosey. She could feel the heat of each hard slap on her entire ass. Daddy was always through. He even remembered to give her several swats on the bottom of each cheek and her upper thighs. It was getting harder and harder for Angel to hold still. She could feel his hard cock on her belly and his firm hand on her backside. The combination was driving her wild. Daddy could tell she was almost to her breaking point. Her already wet pussy was now dripping down her thighs and onto his legs.

“Who is in charge here my little slut?” Daddy asked in a growling whisper.
“You are Daddy!” Angel practically screamed as a particularly hard smack landed right in the middle of her already welt covered ass.
“Are you sure cunt?” he asked mockingly.
“Yes Daddy!” Angel screamed again. How can he do that? she wondered. How can he talk without missing a single stroke?
“Are you gonna cum hard for Daddy?” he asked his little girl.
“Yes Daddy!”
“Good. Now get on all fours on the bed baby. Now,” he added even though she was already moving before he finished his sentence. Right before he thrust his throbbing cock inside her now very wet pussy he took a second to admire his work on her ass. She was bright red and he could clearly see welts forming on the lush curves of her ass. Bruises were already forming in the center of each cheek.As he thrust deep inside her, he reached up to knot a hand in her long dark hair pulling her head far back.

“Cum for me you little bitch,” he whispered in her ear. And with a loud cry she did just that.

“Daddy!” she screamed as she came all over him. Her orgasm was too much for him to handle on top of the sight of her very red ass slamming into him. He pulled her hair even harder as he came. When both of them were satisfied he pulled her down onto the bed next to him. He could feel the heat from her punished ass against him as he held her.“That’s my girl,” he whispered as they both lay cuddled together.

He was on the edge of sleep when he heard her whisper “Daddy? Can we do it again?” He chuckled and whispered back, “Of course we can baby. Of course we can.”

Artistic Impulses

2010-03-26T03:34:00.002-04:00

I've been feeling really artsy lately. I guess I'm just in a mood to create. It helps that I have a new muse. (yes you Kitty) :P

The following story is a result of too much time fantasizing about decorating my beautiful new sister's body. Enjoy!

“Hold still Kitty. I’m almost done,” Angel said as she brushed the hair back from her forehead. Kitty took a deep breath and held it as Angel threaded more blue glass beads onto the needle. Slowly she pushed the beads down onto the short length of thread that dangled from the needle’s eye. Gently she inserted the needle into Kitty’s nipple.

“And we’re done sissy. Look how beautiful you are,” Angel said with pride. For the past few days she had been working non-stop on the work of art that now adorned her sister’s body. With a nudge she motioned Kitty to the full length mirror they had set up in the living room.

“Its beautiful Angel.” Kitty gasped. She took in all the details Angel had included as she lovingly stroked her hands down her heavily decorated body. It never failed to amaze her when she saw her sister’s drawings brought to life on her skin.

Angel had decided on an aquatic theme for this piece and couldn’t believe how well her sister’s body captured and personified the sea and all of its treasures. The blue beads strung by needle at strategic spots really added a fun bit of flair to her usually more somber art. The coiled koi along her sister’s sides and thighs added a splash of crimson and gold to the blues and greens in the background. The glitter paste on the edges of the scales and the glass beads sparkled as Kitty turned to take in the back.

A sly looking dragon danced and turned under the waves the whole length of Kitty’s back. The beads surrounding its dancing form swayed with the motion and took her breath away. It was by far her favorite piece that Angel had completed on her so far.
“I’m glad you like it Kitty,” Angel replied as she examined her work. She loved to use her sister’s body to execute her dreams. And Kitty loved it too. Not only was she beautiful, but she loved the feeling of the needles under her skin and the way the beads and glitter turned her into a living breathing masterpiece. It was still amazing to Angel how much she loved to watch her sister admire their work.

“Here, let me take some pictures honey. I want to remember this one,” Angel said briskly to her sister. “Besides you know that if we don’t get any pictures before Daddy gets back we won’t get any at all.”

“Yeah you’re right,” Kitty replied. “Where do you want me?”
“Over here,” Angel instructed as she arranged a gauzy aqua backdrop in front of the couch. “You know what to do Kitty. You’re a natural at this,” she complimented as she posed her sister.

Angel finished the last picture just as she heard the key in the door. Quickly she motioned for Kitty to stay still and moved all her things into her studio/storeroom. As the front door opened, Angel crept to the doorway so she could watch Daddy’s reaction when he saw Kitty.

For several moments all was silent in the other room. She could see Daddy’s eyes greedily take in all of Kitty’s lush body. She grinned as she heard him sigh softly and smile.

“You look beautiful babygirl,” He whispered. Kitty’s eyes shone as she slowly turned so he could see her backside. “Where is your sister?” he asked quietly.
“Shes in the studio Daddy,” Kitty replied sweetly. Angel stepped out into the living room. Daddy grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to his chest.

“You are amazing sweetheart. Kitty looks even more beautiful. I love the beads,” he said. Angel beamed under his smiling praise. He kissed her forehead and gave her a tight hug. He gestured to Kitty and she crossed the room to his other side. He hugged both of his beautiful girls to him, kissing them both deeply.

“Why don’t you take out the needles with your teeth Angel,” he whispered in her ear.
“Yes Daddy,” Angel replied eagerly. She knelt down and closed her lips around the first needle and slowly drew it out of her sister’s skin. She could taste the blood from the puncture on her lips as she moved toward the next set of beads. Gently she drew it out as she watched Daddy kiss Kitty deeply and caress her breasts. She heard Kitty moan softly under her breath.

As Angel removed the last needle from Kitty’s skin, Daddy slowly lowered her to the couch. Without being told Angel continued to lick and suck the blood from her sister’s painted skin. Silently she was thankful that she had used markers instead of paint this time. Paint just didn’t last as long around here.

When all the blood was gone from her skin Daddy pushed Kitty to her back on the floor. He grabbed Angel by the hair and moved her down until her mouth was over Kitty’s wet pussy. Slowly she began to kiss her sister’s slick mound. Kitty moaned and arched her back until Angel’s tongue was inside her. Angel loved the way her sister tasted and moaned as she began to tongue her deeper. A moment later she was moaning even more as her Daddy began to tease her naked pussy with the head of his very hard cock.

“I love to watch my girls,” Daddy whispered gruffly. “Just keep eating your sister’s sweet little cunt. I want to watch her cum all over you baby.” Angel loved to play with Kitty in front of Daddy. Eagerly she stroked her tongue over Kitty’s clit. She felt Kitty shudder under her. But in the next moment it was her turn to shudder as she felt Daddy spread her pussy and shove inside.

“Yeah that’s right babygirl, you love that don’t you,” Daddy growled as he thrust inside her. Angel lifted her mouth for a second to gasp “Yes!” before returning to Kitty’s now very wet pussy. She could feel Kitty’s excitement at watching their Daddy fuck her while she ate her out. Angel knew she wouldn’t be able to hold her orgasm back for much longer. It was just too much. Daddy could feel Angel’s pussy start to quiver and knew she wouldn’t hold out for long.

“Make your sister cum first baby. I know you can,” He whispered to her. With a smothered moan Angel began to lick and suck Kitty’s clit harder. She knew her sister was close too. With a cry Kitty grabbed Angel’s hair and arched into her greedy mouth. As the first wave of Kitty’s orgasm rolled over her, Angel felt her own orgasm overtake her.

“Oh yeah that’s my girls. Cum for Daddy,” Daddy moaned as he began to pull out of Angel’s sweet quivering cunt. “Come over here babies,” he said, stroking his hard cock. Quickly both girls went to their knees in front of him and began to lick and suck Angel’s cum off of him. In seconds both girls moaned as they felt Daddy’s cum coat their mouths. Angel grabbed Kitty by her hair and pulled her close until she could taste Daddy’s cum on her sister’s tongue. Both girls could hear Daddy chuckle as he helped them off the floor.

“I love you so much my sweet girls,” Daddy said to them lovingly. He couldn’t help but smile as he watched them come closer.
“And we love you too Daddy,” they replied together. They smiled back at him as he pulled them into a tight hug.

Troubles of Separation

2010-03-25T21:32:00.004-04:00

I think one of the hardest parts of being separated from the ones you love is the lack of comfort. Sometimes you just need to be comforted or feel the overwhelming desire to comfort others. Being separated turns that empty ache into an almost unbearable throbbing pain. It makes you feel useless in the face of something greater than yourself.

When people you care about are suffering and you cannot do anything to help, it is the most helpless feeling there is. It is worse when the comfort of a loved one would help, if only because there is someone else who knows you are in pain and is there to support you, and they can't be there.

I hate feeling helpless. I think everyone does. I just wish there was something I could do other than offer words of comfort. Words of comfort have never been my strong suit. I always feel awkward and inadequate in the face of grief or suffering. I think that is why I have always distanced myself from those situations. But how can I maintain that distance when I care? Especially when so much real distance is in the way.

A Sexy Sibling Story

2010-03-23T20:24:00.004-04:00

This is a story I wrote for sis. It is called Bath Time. I hope she likes it as much as I do. I love you sissy. Can't wait until we both get to Daddy's. :)

“Room for one more in there?” a voice asked. Angel looked up to see her sister, Kitty, standing next to the tub.

“There sure is hun. Hop in,” Angel replied smilingly. She loved to take baths with her sister. The large bathtub was the main reason she had suggested the place. Before they ever moved in she was already fantasizing about two and three person bath times.

Angel watched closely as Kitty slid her thin silky robe off her shoulders and down her beautiful curves until it was a silken puddle around her bare feet. Slowly Kitty stepped into the hot water and slid down into the bubbles until she was seated between Angel’s open thighs, her back pressed to her sister’s breasts.

“I love taking baths together,” Angel said as she soaped up one of their bath poofs and gently caressed her sister’s already hard nipples. She gave the left one a light pinch and gasped as Kitty’s ass pressed against her pussy.

“Me too. I love feeling so close. I just wish Daddy was home,” Kitty agreed. Slowly she let her head fall back to her sisters shoulder while Angel continued to wash her breasts and belly with the soft poof. She heard her sister mumble an agreement as the poof moved in shorter circles around her bellybutton then begin on her outter thighs.

Slowly Angel moved the poof in slow circles along the outside of Kitty’s thighs. Gradually she moved closer and closer to her sister’s perfect pussy while her other hand continued to pinch and flick Kitty’s nipples. When the bath poof finally stroked over Kitty’s pussy, she gasped. Angel slowly released the poof and started to stroke Kitty’s slit with her slick fingers. As the fingers of her right hand slowly spread her sister’s pussy, Angel slid her left up her sister’s shoulder and grabbed her hair roughly in her fist. Kitty gasped as Angel pulled her head even farther back and bit her right shoulder.

With a stifled moan, Angel buried two of her fingers into her sister’s hot wet cunt. She fucked her slowly at first, but with a steadily faster pace as her sister’s moans increased. Angel kept a tight hold on Kitty’s hair and pulled her head even further back so she could taste her sister’s lips while she fucked her even faster than before. She could feel Kitty’s ass against her own wet pussy and it only made her want more.

Slowly she slid her fingers out of her sister. She could feel Kitty trying to keep them inside of her, thrusting her hips against her hand. She smiled and whispered “Turn around. I wanna watch you when you cum on me.”

Kitty quickly turned around until she was on her knees with her thighs spread apart. She could feel the hot water barely touching her pussy as she knelt in front of her sister. Angel had kept her hand knotted in Kitty’s hair the whole time and used it now to pull her sister’s lips to hers. Angel quickly lowered her head to her sister’s breast and bit down lightly on her perky nipple. Kitty arched into her and moaned again as Angel’s fingers slipped inside her again. She could feel her sister’s fingers inside her while her thumb rubbed in hard circles around her clit.

Angel kept a firm grip on Kitty’s hair so that her head arched back while she finger fucked her wet pussy. She could feel Kitty’s excitement as she bit down hard on the lush upper curve of her breast. Kitty cried out when she felt her sister’s teeth sink into her sensitive flesh. Angel curved her fingers until she was practically pounding Kitty’s g-spot. She could feel the first quivers of orgasm deep inside her sister’s pussy. She took her mouth away from her sister’s breast just long enough to let out in a growling whisper “That’s right, cum for me slut,” before lower her head and sinking her teeth into her sister’s other luscious breast.

With a loud moan Kitty arched into her hand and came hard. Slowly she felt Angel’s fingers slide out of her as she was pulled down to meet her lips. Kitty threw herself into the kiss as she sank back into the bathwater.

“Well it looks like my girls had all the fun without me,” a voice said from the doorway. Startled both girls looked guiltily at their Daddy.
“Sorry Daddy. I just couldn’t resist,” Angel said sweetly. He smiled at them indulgently and helped them out of the tub.

“I know sweetheart. But now I think its Daddy’s turn,” he said as he dried them off and drained the tub. Both girls could see that he was more than ready for it. With a smile and a hug for each of them, he guided them into the bedroom.

Change of Plans

2010-03-22T17:01:00.003-04:00

I've decided not to go. As much as I want to, its just not the right time for it. Daddy and sis need some time together to get settled and enjoy each other. I would never want to be in the way of that. I want them to be happy and have time together and I know that they are going to be very busy getting ready for her trip down there. I would be in the way and I would hate myself for it. I don't want to ruin their happiness by coming between them or taking attention from her.

Maybe there will be a place for me later, but for now there isn't. Unless that place is here, at a distance.

I'm Leavin' On a Jet Plane...

2010-03-21T16:02:00.002-04:00

Hopefully I will be able to do it this time. I am going to visit Daddy and sis at the end of April. I have the money and Sir says its ok. I'm just so worried that something will go wrong. I have been trying to go for the last 2 years and I'm so scared that it won't really happen. I just want it to work out so much. I'm not sure I could take the disappointment again. I'm so sick of being disappointed, in myself especially.

Even if I do go and nothing stops me, I'm still scared of flying. I've done it twice. The first time I got airsick on the flight home and had to walk through the airport covered in vomit til I found my bag. It was not fun. :( Nothing bad happened the second time, but take-off and landing scare me to death. Those are the worst parts for me. The flying is actually kinda neat. Plus all the flights to where He lives have plane changes and I've never had to do that before. I'm so worried I will miss my flight. Besides that, I mean really, what am I supposed to do in Birmingham, AL for three hours??? :P

I guess I'm just nervous. I really can't wait to meet Daddy and my new sis. I'm so excited and I really hope she likes me as much as I like her. I feel like I am so full of energy with nothing to do but wait. The tension is a killer.

I Have a New Sister!

2010-03-21T02:14:00.003-04:00

Daddy has gotten another submissive girl. I am so excited! I got to talk to her online tonight and she is wonderful. I want to meet her so bad! She is moving in with Daddy soon. Only 40 more days! I wish I could be there with them. I have missed Daddy so much. We still talk all the time, but I wish I could be there with Him. Hopefully I will get to visit when Sis moves down. That would be so amazing. Sir even said I could go visit them sometime. I can't wait!

In a Funk

2010-03-19T19:39:00.004-04:00

You would think that after spending my whole life in a depressive fugue I would be doing as much as possible to avoid it. But it has recently been brought to my attention that I really have no right to be upset that I am unhappy and depressed. After all, I am not doing anything to make myself happy. I am mostly just doing things that I think should make me happy. I guess I don't really think things through before I do them. The end result being that I keep getting myself into situations that trap me in a kind of depression. Doing things with no forethought is not a good idea. It just got me a whole new set of difficult and painful problems.

I can't blame things on Sir. I knew who He was when I agreed to marry Him. I think now that I should have said no. But I do love Him. He just isn't what I need in a partner. I feel horrible about even thinking that, much less typing it, but its true. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I have stayed for the right reasons. Whether its because I love Him or if its because I'm afraid to leave and be on my own. And I hate that I even have to ask that. The fact that I love Him seems secondary. I don't want to hurt Him, but I'm not even sure if leaving would hurt more than if I stayed at this point. I can't think straight. I feel so empty and confused. I just wish I knew what to do. I think I need some time away from Him, but I have nowhere to go. I have no family or friends to stay with and I'm not even sure space is the best thing for us. It worked in the past, but who's to say it will work this time. Besides it obviously wasn't a permanent fix last time. Where is the user manual for relationships????

I just want to know what is best, and even though I know I'm the only one who can answer that question, I'm not sure how to even begin.

Yay for Internet!

2010-03-15T16:19:00.002-04:00

I am connected again! Thankfully I have internet! Now I can't decide what would be the best thing to do first. I have so much to catch up on. Fuck not having internet! I missed it more than anything. I can live without t.v., but no internet is hell.

Internet-less

2010-03-09T17:11:00.002-05:00

Ok so Sir and I have been busy. We have moved back to our home state. We now have a lovely 2 bedroom apartment in the slums. He has a decent, if horribly boring, job. The only persistent problem besides lack of money (which is always a problem) is the lack of internet. The apartment complex gave us a horrible time about getting it installed, but finally we have succeeded. As of the Friday we will have internet in our place. Yay! With internet I will be able to once again blog freely without borrowing internet time from friends who may or may not at any given time read over my shoulder and decide now is the time to awkwardly ask "whats BDSM?" I can't wait. Especially since Sir has promised me a new computer this summer if I'm good. Wonder of wonders. :)

Fidgety

2009-11-20T19:38:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been restless. I keep getting the feeling that I should be doing something, but I can't put my finger on it. I've also been super horny, which does not make it easier to think or focus. I just keep losing interest in things I enjoy. Maybe it is a lack of beatings. I hope that is the problem, its an easy fix. I've just been so fidgety. When I'm home I want to go somewhere, but when I go somewhere I just want to leave. So this will probably be a short post since I'm already sick of typing. :P

I've been driving Sir nuts lately too. I just can't help it. When He's home I just want to fuck and cuddle and have His whole attention. I know its not fair to Him, but I really can't help it. He has been really good about it though. Probably more understanding than I deserve honestly. But that is how He always is. I just hope this manic mood goes away soon. I am sick of always being horny and...well fidgety.

All Work and No Play

2009-11-18T03:57:00.003-05:00

I haven't been writing much because not much is happening. I've been busy at work. Its amazing to me how I can have nothing new going on, but be so tired all the time. My life has been one big monotonous blur lately. I sleep, work, then sleep some more.

One of the only interesting parts of work is the co-worker I close with. I'll call him Steve. He is incredibly cute and sweet. He is in the same position I am right now; trying to make as much money as possible by working a crappy part-time job. We get along really well. I told him that he is welcome to come by and hang out when Sir and I get our own place. I hope he does. Neither of us have any friends here in town. I am just so sick of being lonely. I need a friend. Besides maybe if Sir starts sleeping with one of the young cuties He works with I can do the same with Steve. :P

I guess the good news is that Sir and I have been approved for an apartment that we can barely afford. We are supposed to move in this weekend so hopefully everything will go well. It will be so nice to have our own place again. I'm so tired of hiding everything from my parents, and even more tired of keeping our sex completely vanilla. What I wouldn't give to get one long, thorough beating.

New Developments

2009-10-20T23:05:00.003-04:00

So Sir got His test results back from His AFOQT. In short He did amazing. He had top scores on all the portions of the test. I knew He would do well, but I am still so proud of Him.

The bad news is that the decision board for Officer Candidate School had been pushed back from December to March. So we are looking at another 6-9 months until He gets through Basic and receives His permanent station. Which means we are going to have to struggle through more months of little money and no health care. Its enough to make me want to tear my hair out. I'm so sick of always trying to play catch up to stay alive and off the streets.

Really there is not much else to say. Its just hard for us right now. We haven't been doing much because of all the stress lately and the lack of funds. Our sex life is really suffering because we are staying with my parents until we can afford to move out. It just seems like everything is unnecessarily difficult right now. We try so hard to get ahead and just keep getting shut down.

I hate how this blog is starting to be less about my BDSM life (which was the original intention) and more about my other life problems. I just feel like I need a place to vent since I only see my friends once a month at most. I just feel so isolated and I need someone other than Sir to talk with. He is just as frustrated and stressed as I am and it doesn't help to bitch constantly. I wish I didn't have as much to bitch about honestly.

Lonely

2009-10-06T02:53:00.002-04:00

So yeah I've been neglecting to write, but mostly because there hasn't been anything to write about. I just started work at GameStop again. At least now I can do the same humiliating and frustrating work for $2 more an hour than the last time I was there. The lack of hours that are available is pretty shitty, but at least its gonna keep us alive until next spring.

Right now Sir is 2 hours away staying in a hotel so that He can be ready to take His AFOQT at 5 am. I know it is important for Him to be gone, but its hard. Except for that rough patch last year we have never spent a night apart, let alone three. At least He will be home Thursday. I miss Him alot, but I am super proud of Him for working so hard to give us a better life. I know He will do well on the test, I just hope He gets the best score in the bunch.

Nothing else is really going on right now. My birthday is this Saturday. I am trying to persuade myself not to get excited. One of my friends and her man want to get Sir and I a hotel suite for the weekend so we can have some privacy to play. I told them to feel free to come along and I really hope they do. It would be nice to have a group scene for once.

Officer's Wife???

2009-09-11T18:41:00.002-04:00

Sir has decided to join the Air Force. Since He has obtained His B.S. in Math He qualifies for the Officer Training Program. I am really excited for us both, but I'm nervous as well. I know that there is little chance of Him being sent overseas into the warzone, but I still worry about His safety.

As a result of this choice, we have moved back to Indiana to stay with my parents until He is sent to basic training. It isn't as stressful as I thought, although I am majorly bummed to be back in Indiana again. I prefered Washington and Texas. Either would be better than this cornfield in hell. At least it isn't permanent. There are no A.F. Bases in Indiana. The closest is Wright-Paterson in Ohio. I just hope we don't end up there either. Ohio is just as bad.

I have also been sick the last week. I got back to Indiana just in time to catch a summer cold. I'm not sure if its the cold or all the traveling or what, but I really haven't been in the mood to play lately. And from His actions and mood lately I'd say Sir feels the same. I hope its just a temporary slump and not a long term problem. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow. I have a suprise birthday party to attend tonight for one of my kinky friends at Hooters. That oughta cheer me right up I'm sure.

Texas Threesome

2009-08-03T11:50:00.002-04:00

Ok, I did promise to write about the threesome Sir and I had in Texas with one of our friends. For the sake of privacy I'm going to call her Amy, which is not her name.

We got to Amy's house in the early afternoon. We all sat together on the couch and chatted for a bit. Sir pulled her in close and started to kiss her and fondle her amazingly large breasts. I was getting so wet just watching them together. After a bit He grabbed her hand and led her to a more private room. He told me to stay on the couch while He fucked Amy in the bedroom. The whole time they were gone I was so wet and ready I couldn't stand it.

After awhile I heard my cell phone ring. I had forgotten that my purse was in the spare bedroom. Sir called me in to get it. When I went in the room He had Amy on her back and was sucking her big beautiful tits while He fucked her. Neither of them paid any attention to me as I walked around the bed to get my phone. By then it had stopped ringing. Sir told me I could stay and watch Him cum in her if I promised to be quiet. I agreed of course.

When they were done Sir and Amy got up and got dressed again. We all went back to the living room to relax for awhile. This time it was me who got to kiss and fondle Amy while Sir watched. I could see He was hard again and Amy was very wet. Sir whispered to me that I should go fuck her. So I grabbed her hand and led her back into the spare bedroom.

When we got there she seemed a little nervous. It had been a long time since she had been with another woman. So I continued to kiss her and slowly undress her, kissing and fondling every part of her that I uncovered. She started to relax and undress me as well. When we were both naked I pulled her down to the bed and kissed all down her body. I started with her mouth then worked my way down her throat and breasts until I made it all the way to her pussy. By now I could see her juices dripping down her legs so I lapped at her inner thighs until she begged me to eat her out.

I stared out slow, just licking and sucking her clit. Then I slid my middle finger inside her. She moaned and I pushed a second finger inside her. She was so tight it barely fit. Sir must have had to work hard to fit His cock in her. I fucked her with my fingers and kept licking her clit. She just moaned and thrust back onto my hand. So I fucked her harder and harder until she came all over me. I slid my fingers out of her throbbing pussy and she pulled me up to her. Gently she kissed my face and sucked her own cum off my tongue. I was in heaven.Then she told me to lay down on my back. She began the same way I did, just using her mouth on my very wet pussy. Then she started to fuck me with her fingers, rubbing my G-spot and licking my clit. I loved every minute of it.

After we were done I pulled her close and held her for awhile. It felt so good to be with another woman again. I had missed it alot. After we were both dressed we went back out to the living room to sit with Sir. I helped Amy make lunch because we were all famished. We sat and ate and talked for awhile.

When it was dark outside Amy pulled the shades shut. We were all sitting on the couch again. Amy had Sir's cock out and was sucking it. I was sitting at their feet watching her and fingering her pussy. It was so beautiful to watch another woman suck Sir's cock. I almost came just watching. Then Amy grabbed me by my hair and pulled me so I was kneeling and began to kiss me hard. Then we both started to take turns sucking Sir's cock, licking His balls and kissing each other. It was amazing. I could tell Sir loved it.

Sir told both of us to stop and strip. When we were all naked Amy laid back down on the couch. He made me get on my hands and knees in front of her and lick her pussy while He watched. It made me so hot to know He was watching me and I know Amy enjoyed it too. Then I felt Sir's cock thrust inside me from behind. I almost came. It was too much to hope for.

Then Amy surprised me. She grabbed my hair again and pulled my face out of her pussy. I moaned and tried to lick her more, but she held me tight while she watched Sir fuck me. I could tell that He liked to see her take control of me like that and He fucked me even harder. After that she never let go of my hair. She used it to shove my face tight into her or hold me so that I was just barely out of reach of her wet pussy. It was amazing and maddening. I'm not sure how, but it worked out that Amy got really close then pulled me away. I could tell Sir was getting really close to cumming too. Right before He came in me, Amy pulled me into her wet pussy again and fucked my face in earnest. It was the most amazing experience of my life. Both of them came at the same time and used me like a toy to do it.

After a moment to catch our breaths we got dressed again. We both thanked Amy for a wonderful evening. I could tell everyone enjoyed themselves immensely. I know I loved being used by two people. It was a great threesome and a great visit to Texas.

Munch Recap

2009-08-01T21:32:00.003-04:00

So the 18-30 group was a bust for me. I got roped into playing card games with a really bossy girl the whole time. I couldn't hardly get a word in edge-wise with anyone, even Sir, without her butting in and telling me something about the game. When I tried to stay out of the second game she dealt me in anyway. Normally I enjoy card games, but I didn't want to play with that girl. I felt bad for the submissive across from me. She was in the same position I was. And neither of us was rescued because her Dom and Sir were busy talking to each other. I don't think either knew that we were anxious to get out of the game.

I am still glad we went though. Sir had a good time. I don't think I've ever seen Him so talkative and outgoing in a group of people. He is definitely the strong silent type usually. I am really happy that He got a chance to open up and get to know some other people in the area. If we do decide to go again, hopefully it will be a little bit better for me. At least now I know to avoid the "Card Nazi". :P

Another New Munch

2009-08-01T15:36:00.002-04:00

This afternoon Sir and I are planning to attend the 18-30 munch group that meets in our new area. So far the BDSM community age average seems to be mid-30s or so. I'm really hoping that we will get to meet some people closer to our age range.

I will probably ramble an update when we get back...unless things take a very unexpected turn in the naughty direction. Honestly I doubt it, but I can always hope.

Date Night

2009-07-30T19:09:00.002-04:00

Last night Sir took me out on a real date. We haven't really had much money or time to date in the last year so it was unexpected, but greatly appreciated. I don't think either of us realized how much we needed to get out for a bit by ourselves.

First He took me out to eat. He ordered me a cheeseburger and curly fries. It was really good. Curly fries are my favorite. I enjoyed just getting to sit together and talk. We have had so little privacy lately.

After dinner we went out to the movies. Neither of us had been to the movies in months. We saw Year One. It was hilarious. It felt so good to be together in a theater with other people just laughing and enjoying ourselves.

We drove around town for a bit after the movie. Neither of us was ready to go back to the house we are staying at yet. When we finally did get back, we snuck into our room and made-out like teenagers on the bed. Both of us have felt like naughty teenagers lately because we have been sneaking kisses and gropes when his family aren't looking and having quickies when they are gone.

After awhile He ordered me to strip in that low husky growl He has when He's impatient. It gave me goosebumps to hear it. I stripped then sat down next to Him on the bed. He petted my check softly then wound His fingers into my hair. He pulled me down to His belly then used His other hand to unbutton His pants. With my face against Him I could feel Him breathing hard and started to kiss His navel while He held me tight by the hair and kicked off His jeans.

He let me kiss down His belly and inner thighs. Then I started to lick all around His balls and He pulled my mouth even closer to Him. I slowly traced the underside of His cock with the tip of my tongue. When I reached the tip I closed my mouth around it while He thrust into my throat, making sure to keep a tight grip on the back of my neck.

He continued to fuck my throat and talk to me with His husky voice for awhile. We could both tell He was getting close, so He pulled me off of Him and ordered me to kneel on all fours on the bed. I quickly positioned myself while he stood on the floor behind me. I felt Him take two of His fingers and feel how wet I was. By that time I was more than ready for Him. He knelt behind me on the bed and slowly thrust His cock inside of me, inch by inch. It was agony. I wanted Him to take me fast and hard, but He knew that so He took me slowly at first and teased me about it the whole time.

After a time He pulled out completely. I whimpered. He chuckled then placed the tip of His cock against me. He asked me if I wanted it. I moaned and told Him that of course I did. He chuckled again and asked if I was sure. I told Him I was definitely sure. So with a low growl He thrust His cock all the way into me. It hurt just as much as it felt amazing. He has always been too big for me.

When I say that Sir is too big for me, I say it without exaggerating. When He is fully hard He can't get it in me without thrusting hard and forcing it in. And thats exactly what he did then. He rode me hard until I couldn't hardly take it any more. I begged Him to cum in me. By then I couldn't wait to feel Him spend Himself inside me. I love that feeling. He just chuckled again and asked if I was sure. I told Him that I was sure, that I couldn't wait. He grabbed my hair in one fist and my ass in the other and thrust even faster. Right before He came in me He pulled my head back even further and ordered me to cum. I can't even put into words how fantastic that orgasm was. He continued to cum inside me while my muscles clenched around His cock.

After we were both done and I had cleaned Him off with my mouth, He told me to clean myself up then kneel next to His side of the bed. He told me to stay there until He fell asleep, then I could lay down next to Him and sleep. While I was kneeling He petted my hair and cheek for a few minutes until He finally went to sleep. I knelt there for a few more minutes and watched His face. I love to watch Him sleep. Then I quietly got up and crawled into bed beside Him.

I can only hope that we have many more similar date nights in the future.

Picnic in the Park

2009-07-30T19:00:00.004-04:00

Sir and I were both able to attend the local munch picnic this past Tuesday. It was tons of fun and we were really happy that we attended. They even had a few local vendors. Sir bought me some fully adjustable C style nipple clamps. As well as 55 new clothespins in various shapes, colors, and sizes. It was a great treat.

The cheeseburgers were delicious. We had fresh grilled onions on ours. It was the best burger I've had in a long time. And for desert Sir and I watched a few people fly a kite with their nipples. It was a very interesting experience. I wish I would have tried it, but I hadn't done it before and was worried about embarrassing Sir if I wasn't very good at it. Besides I can always put it on my to-do list for the future.

The people we met were all very friendly. It was nice to get together with other kinky people for some social interaction and naughty fun. I hope we get to attend many more get-togethers like that in the near future.

P.S. Yes those tits are real and they are mine. :)

Back Again

2009-07-27T13:00:00.002-04:00

So I'm back. Alot has happened in the last couple weeks. Long story short, Sir and I are living in Washington state now. At the moment we are staying with his family until we can get our own place. Hopefully it will be soon.

We had originally planned to move to Texas, and we did. But, it was not meant to be. Although we did have an amazing threesome while we were there...but more about that in another post. This is just an update post to get me back in the habit of writing.

Both of us want to get involved in the BDSM community here. There is a picnic in a local park tomorrow evening that I want to attend. I'm just nervous about going and not knowing anyone. Besides that, I don't have any money to buy or make a side dish or drinks. I don't want to feel like a mooch, but a couple people have invited me to come anyway so maybe I will be able to screw up my courage and go. If not I do plan on attending the local munch this weekend.

Sir will be able to go with me to that munch. He won't be able to make the picnic because He has a temp job power-washing rust off of the undercarriage of trucking trailers. Its a dirty job, but we gotta have money and He isn't too proud when it comes to our lives. I'm very proud of Him and everything He is doing to support us.

I guess thats all for now. I'm gonna go put out some more job applications. I mean really the law of averages can't be wrong, one of them will pay off.

Hiatus

2009-05-28T13:23:00.001-04:00

Ok I know I haven't been posting lately, but I am taking an official break from the blog. I have alot of things I need to figure out and need the hiatus from posting for awhile. Wish me luck...

Busy Busy Bee

2009-05-15T22:23:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been so busy with my new job. I have been switching between first, second, and third shifts since I started and it has not been easy for me to actually get some rest or get anything else done for that matter. I keep telling myself that I shouldn't complain, after all I did beg for a job, but no matter how much I enjoy my work I am so drained lately. I haven't really slept or eaten since I started. I am hoping it will get better when my training is over and I settle into my permanent hours.

The 13th was mine and Sir's wedding anniversary. We spent the day together. We didn't really do anything extra special, just alot of time together and lots of sex. I had checked out some porn from work for the night and we watched some of it together. It was nice. We haven't had much time to just be together with nothing that has to be done.

It is strange to be in opposite roles for once. Since Sir graduated He has been home while I have been the one going to work all day. He is the one taking care of the house while I earn the money to pay our bills. It doesn't really bother me on a D/s level. Our relationship is not based on our perceived roles in the household alone. No, what bothers me about it is being the breadwinner, the one in charge and responsible for our livelihood. I am not used to the pressure it brings. He makes it look so effortless, perhaps because it is a role He was born into. I don't know. All I know is that I will be relieved when Sir gets His career going and I am no longer accountable for our very lives.

Daddy Days

2009-05-12T14:02:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been missing Daddy more than usual. We still talk on the phone and online. But some days it just doesn't feel like enough. I love both my Sir and my Daddy. Maybe I'm just selfish, but I feel like I need them both to be involved in my life. Too bad its impossible to have them both always.

The arrangement that I have with Sir is a simple one: We are both free to sleep or play with other people as long as the other is aware of the "date" in advance and the new partner is aware that neither of us plan on leaving our marriage. Sounds simple right? The only problem is the lack of available females in our area. I just wouldn't feel right sleeping with another man if I knew that Sir didn't have any prospective "dates" lined up. It would just be strange...with one exception.

If I could, I would hop on the next flight just to spend even a few days with Daddy. I miss Him. I want to be with Him, even if we both know that it can't last forever. He won't share me and I won't leave my Sir. We are at an impasse. I have offered many times to just leave Him alone since I feel like my selfishness is just going to hurt Him. But time after time He refuses to let me go.

One thing we can agree on though is our view on me visiting. Both of us want to be together, even if its only for a few days. It would be worth the pain later. I personally don't think I could bear not ever knowing His touch on my body. The absence of it now is painful. Its a yearning that tugs at the void in me. I'm not saying that being with Sir isn't enough, its just different. Neither is better than the other, they are just too different to compare. This is why I can love them both without any competition in my heart. I can love both because they are so different from each other.

This summer is the last chance I will have for a long time to see Daddy. This August I start classes at a new college and I won't have time for vacations, especially if I can keep my job. I know that I will not have the money to visit unless Sir finds a good job close by. Even with His degree it will be hard to find good work. I am just hoping now that everything will work out for us.

First Day

2009-05-09T00:29:00.002-04:00

Today was my first day of work. I had a great time getting to know my co-workers and learning about the store. I really like all my co-workers that I have met so far. It was a great day, but I am exhausted. I plan on writing more later, but for now I need to head to bed.

Yesterday

2009-05-02T11:42:00.002-04:00

So yesterday turned out to be a fun day after all. Sir took me to my favorite Chinese restaurant and got take out. We took it to the state park and had a picnic. The rain held off for a couple of hours while we laid on the grass and ate egg rolls. Because it was overcast we had the whole place to ourselves and got free admission. Can't beat that. It was fun just sitting in a clearing surrounded by nature. I love just being together, all chores and worries forgotten. We just lay in the grass holding each other and talking about our life together. It was sweet.

I can hardly believe our anniversary is coming up. Sometimes it feels like we have been together much longer than we have, other days it feels like it has been no time at all. This will be our first wedding anniversary. Married one year already. Maybe it is because we have been through alot together. I hope the years to come aren't so hectic! But I guess the point is that there will be years to come. That thought makes the happy balloons in my stomach float and burst into confetti when I think about being with Him, being His, forever. I can't help but smile.

Beltane

2009-05-01T11:50:00.003-04:00

Today is one of my favorite holidays, Beltane! Yay for pagan fertility holidays! I'm not sure yet what if anything Sir and I are going to do to celebrate. Usually we just spend the day outside enjoying the rebirth of nature. However, its rainy today so our usual picnic is out.

In other news, I got the job! I am now a newly employed and contributing member of society. I will start as soon as my background check comes back. Did I mention what I will be doing? Working as a sales clerk in an Adult Book Store. I think its a nice fit. I have three years of retail experience and I have sold pretty much everything from shoes to CDs. This is my first time selling pornography, but honestly a product is a product to me. I guess this is one business where it pays to not be shy. I can't wait to start.

Hope on the Horizon

2009-04-30T10:28:00.002-04:00

Finally after months of unemployment and no prospects I had a job interview yesterday. I am so excited and nervous. I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter so I won't be disappointed if I don't get it, but it is so hard to believe that when I have been wanting a job for so long. There are just so few jobs to be had here. Sir will be graduating college in less than 2 weeks and His last class is Monday. With the end of His school also comes the end of the money and soon the new student loan bills will begin coming due. It frightens me. And even though this job is just a part-time job in a dirty book store, it will be money and a chance to get out of the house. I try not to think what will happen if I can't find a job. Sir assures me over and over that it doesn't matter and He will take care of things. I trust Him, I just worry so much. I don't want to put the pressure entirely on Him. I just want to make His life easier. I know He works so hard to take care of us and I want to help. So here is to hope in the hands of a dirty book store owner. Lets hope they are a hand hold and not a shove over the edge.

The Feel Goods and Night-time Feel Bads

2009-04-28T08:14:00.003-04:00

After posting yesterday I had a case of what I call "the feel goods". I was just in a really good mood all day. It was beautiful outside. I spent the morning with Sir. I helped Him with His German assignment. I enjoy languages much more than He does. Afterward He took me to spend some time with my aunts. It was a nice visit. I sat around with my cousins and talked about nothings. I joined my Aunt D in her office for awhile, both of us just reading and sharing bits of the stories with each other. All in all it was a nice day. I came home and got plenty of sleep. It was just a calm day, but I enjoyed myself. It was very pleasant to spend the day with people I love.

I wish that my dreams had cooperated though. As usual I had nightmares. That isn't the strange part. I guess the strange part was the subject matter.

I dreamed that I was with my best friend from high school. We were on vacation with his dad (who neither of us knew, he abandoned my friend when he was an infant). Things kept getting weirder. We went to a mall in Denver (I've never been to Denver or even to Colorado). There was a Korean guy selling food and all the rest of the shops were closed. He offered to tell us our fortunes. I turned around and my sister was there. She was grossly pregnant, but it looked unnatural and sick. She was shrunken with a huge misshapen belly that kept moving. I tried to run, but my friend told me we couldn't leave until we got our fortunes. He grabbed me and dragged me to the back of the shop. His dad was there. My sister stayed outside the shop. All three of the men threw me down and started to stab me and cut off my clothes with paring knives. I was on the floor naked and bleeding and they were all wearing identical leering grins. I just wanted to run, but like most dreams it was impossible. All three raped me starting with the shop owner, then the dad, then last of all was my best friend. As he began to climax I felt the knife in his hand at my throat. He whispered to me "Isn't this what you wanted?". Then he slashed and I felt the blood rush from my throat and his semen fill me at the same time.

I woke up fighting the covers, which were tangled around my arms. The nightmare was obvious in a way. I was thinking about my friend yesterday so he made his appearance. I was thinking about my sister (who got pregnant at 14). I was going to go to the mall and decided against it. All of that I understand. What I don't get is the role my friend was cast in. Ever since I met him he has been sweet and gentle. He loves animals and children. We dated a bit in junior high (kissing, holding hands), before he came out of the closet, and we've been nothing since best friends since then. Yes he can be arrogant, but it comes from an innocence I can't understand. He has always seemed better somehow than other people to me. He has a light in him where I have my void. Maybe my dreaming mind was trying to pervert that. I guess I don't have any answers. It will be good to see him again this summer. He's been away at college and has been working through holidays. I haven't seen him in almost a year. Hopefully seeing him will dispel some of the anxious feelings I've been having about him. Who knows?

More on "Secretary"

2009-04-27T10:05:00.002-04:00

After seeing the movie Secretary I wondered what about it was most memorable, most eye and mind catching. Many scenes caught hold in my brain, but what surprised me most was that the scene that stuck with me the most was not overtly sexual or even that sexy at all.

The part that stayed with me has the main character sitting at a desk where she has been ordered not to move her hands or feet until he returns. Someone asks her in a nervous whisper "Is this some kind of sex thing?" She gives a wry chuckle and replies "Does it look like a sex thing?"

I loved that. Mostly just because for her D/s wasn't a "sex thing" it was much more. For me sex has little to do with our D/s. Yes sometimes being tied up and flogged will lead to sex, but not always and sex isn't the objective. The beatings, the chores, even being tied to the desk and made to be a cup holder for hours, all of it is so much more than sex could be for me. It means so much more to me.

When I was younger I knew there was something in me. I was told by my family that there was something wrong about me. They sensed it even though none of them knew what it was. I didn't even know. Whatever it was, it frightened them. Looking back I think they were just frightened by something they could sense but not name. A carnal fear of the unknown. As I grew up I tried to pretend I was happy being "normal", but it didn't matter. The other children hated me. Their parents kept them away from me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't hide that I was different. To me it felt that there was a hole deep inside. Nothing I did could fill it.

In high school everyone just left me alone. I did well in school, was involved in theater and volunteer projects, and in the end none of that mattered either. The adults in charge could still feel that I was different. I was never picked to be in charge of any committees or productions. I was never congratulated for doing well in anything. I was in short, passed over. I was an outsider on the inside. No matter how hard I worked or how much I tried, I was always looked at then passed over in favor of people who didn't.

This all sounds rather ridiculous when I read over it, but its very true. It didn't even really hurt by then. By the time I got to high school I was exhausted with trying to fit in. I still kept up my facade, but underneath I was just as empty and unfulfilled as ever. So I tried to fill it. I've already written here about my juvenile self-hurting days. In high school I continued to hurt myself, but it wasn't enough anymore. So I started trying other ways to fill the void. I drank alot and had more one night stands then should be possible at that age. The remarkable thing to me now is that no one knew. My best and only real friend in school knew because I told him, but even he had trouble believing me. It just wasn't part of my projected persona.

When I did finally settle on someone to date I got into a relationship I knew was doomed from the beginning. She was a year older than me and like me she had had a horrible childhood. I think I fell for her because we were both damaged in our own way. We were together for two years before I finally drove her away. I am surprised looking back that it took her so long to get fed up and leave me. When being with her didn't fill the hole, I started doing things to hurt her. Her pain didn't fill me either. I was more lost and alone after she left then I had been before. My mother knew something was wrong and tried to "snap me out of it". I snapped all right. Near the end of my senior year I had a break down and tried to slit my wrists. My mother came home early and found me. Her words in that instant will define her character for you, "Why would you do this to me?" I didn't speak to her for days.

Then two years ago I met Sir. I was still hurting and empty then. I don't know any better way to describe Him, other than He fills me. He fills up that empty void inside me. Don't think that it was some love at first sight, He fixed me bullshit. In real life that doesn't happen. That void that has been in me all my life is still there. I can still feel it. It will probably never go away. But my Sir fills it. Every command, every lash, and every kiss fills that void more completely than I ever hoped it could be filled. And this is why I am grateful to Him. It is not why I love Him.

I ask myself now why I wrote all this. I think that this story is like poison that has been sitting in me for a long time and in telling it, I am drawing the poison away from myself. Not really drawing it out of me because it is a part of me, but drawing it away from my heart so that it can't destroy me. Writing to an audience that may or may not exist or care is the best way I know how to do this. I should just keep this for myself, but there is a feeling of freedom in publishing it, even if it will never be read. And freedom to me is a wonderful feeling, especially when freedom comes with chains.

Movie Night

2009-04-23T03:58:00.003-04:00

Tonight was movie night in our house. We love to rent movies to watch together on random days during the week. Movie night isn't any night in particular, just a random week night that we have time to watch something together. The selection for today was Secretary.

Now I had never seen it, but I had heard it was good from some of my friends. Sir doesn't usually like romances, but I convinced Him to at least watch the first part with me. Wow am I glad I did!

For those of you who have never seen the movie, it is about a young woman who is released from an institution for self-mutilation. She gets a job as a secretary for a lawyer who is very controlling. They begin an BDSM relationship. I'm not going to say any more. If you're curious then I suggest watching it. It is a great drama/romance movie. The plot is very easy to follow and the acting is amazingly accurate and touching. Sir actually watched it all with me and enjoyed it. I'm just surprised I finally found a movie we can watch that isn't a horror or action flick. :P

Masochistic

2009-04-21T06:47:00.004-04:00

Ok I haven't posted in awhile because there wasn't anything to post about. We haven't been going anywhere or doing anything.

I've noticed in my life that when I am really upset with myself that I want to be hurt. Whenever I feel stupid or ugly or inadequate, pain and punishment make it better somehow. Maybe its because I feel I deserve it, but what matters isn't the reason, its the result. When I am depressed like that, the pain makes it go away. All of the disappointment and self-loathing just doesn't matter anymore.

When I was younger I would "fix" myself by cutting or hitting myself. It always made me ashamed and I hid it from everyone. When I got older I would pick fights with my lovers and goad them in to smacking or fighting me. I always felt bad about it. I hated using them like that. It wasn't fair and in the end it didn't help, it just made me feel worse about myself after the initial adrenaline wore off.

Then I met Sir. When we met He wasn't even aware that BDSM existed. He had always been a very disciplined man and was usually a very easygoing person. When I first told Him about BDSM and what I wanted, He wasn't sure whether He could do it. In His mind He wouldn't be able to do anything to hurt me because He loved me. Since then He has realized that causing me pain is what I need and love. Just because He flogs me, it doesn't mean He doesn't love me. To the contrary, I think it means He loves me more because its not in His nature.

To get back to the point, I have never thought of myself as a masochist. Normally I'm quite the wuss when it comes to pain. A stubbed toe can bring me to tears. But under the right circumstances I have realized that I love to receive pain. It focuses me, makes me feel like a more whole and centered person. I would not call myself a "pain-slut" though. I do not really get sexual pleasure from the pain. Instead it is more like a mental euphoria. I feel more free when I am bound and beaten then I do when I am not. I can't explain the feelings so I won't try. All I know is that I love my Sir and the wicked, painful, and wholly wonderful things He does to my body.

Last night was one of those nights. I was angry at myself and wasn't even sure why. I had been feeling inadequate for several days. So I asked if He would please punish me. I don't usually have to ask, but since I had done nothing wrong He wasn't aware that I was in need of it. He ordered me to strip, lay face-down on the bed, and stay silent. Then He left the room. He didn't come back for several minutes. I was very frustrated at that point, which I guess was what His point was.

Lesson 1: Just because He had agreed to punish me when I asked doesn't mean He is going to do it until He has time.

I didn't even hear Him come back. One minute I was grumbling to myself into the mattress, the next biting said mattress as His belt came crashing down on my thighs. I was surprised and I yelped.

Lesson 2: stay quiet when ordered.

He then send a barrage of hits over my ass and thighs. This time I stayed silent. He moved His strokes up my back, then back down to my thighs. Every hit was a hot tingle of pain and ecstasy as it burned through my skin. Afterward He undressed and lay down beside me. I thanked Him and rolled onto my back. I didn't even wince when the flannel sheets rubbed my raw backside. He lay on top of me, holding me and kissing my face. He tucked my face into his shoulder and slid Himself inside me. We made love then He had me take a shower while He was on the computer. The night went on as most nights go. Everything was back the way it was before my spat of self-hatred. I went to the store and got groceries for the week. Then we ate and watched t.v.

Lesson 3: even though we are kinky we are still normal people living a normal life.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Music To Scene To

2009-03-07T03:35:00.003-05:00

Sir and I have very similar music tastes. When we first started dating, we started sharing music. He has introduced me to some of my favorite bands and vice versa. One of my favorite new finds is Lords of Acid. I love their over the top lyrics and the music is just so fun and raw. Plus I love female singers.

I decided to share this because with Club Paradox opening, I have been thinking alot about music that is good for scenes. (They are taking suggestions for the playlist.) Alot of LoA is very sexual and is very BDSM focused. This makes it great for playing and scening.

Some of my favorite LoA tracks are:
1. I Sit on Acid
2. Spank My Booty
3. You Belong To Me
4. Pussy
5. Lover
6. The Power is Mine
7. Concerto for Me and Myself
8. Rough Sex

I suggest that anyone into industrial music or anyone looking for some good raunchy songs check out LoA. Especially The Power is Mine or You Belong to Me. They are the more serious of the songs I listed. The others are more fun and dirty than seriously BDSM themed. All the songs are on their album "Our Little Secret" except for I Sit on Acid and Rough Sex, which are on "Lust".

Paradox!

2009-02-21T23:38:00.002-05:00

Sir and I went to Paradox tonight. It was amazing. Everyone was so friendly and helpful. We both felt so relaxed and at home. I can't wait until the next munch. It will just be a small meeting before the big opening of Club Paradox. It is a BDSM only club that is open just for the local community. It is going to be so amazing. Well I'm sleepy, so I guess thats all!

A Great Time

2009-02-16T22:52:00.002-05:00

Well we are back from our vacation. I had a blast. I loved getting to see all of the monuments and the museums. I am a total history nerd, so getting to spend two days touring the Smithsonians was incredible. I got so many good pictures.

On our last night in the hotel, I prepared a Valentine's Day surprise for Sir. First I took a shower to scrub myself and shave my legs and pussy clean. Then He got in the shower and I put on my short pleated black skirt and my black satin bra with the corset style front. Next I laid all of our sex toys out on a towel on the bed next to me.

When He got out of the shower He replaced my collar around my neck and smiled when He saw my preparations. He shoved me on my back and teased me with His cock head for awhile. When I was really wet He grabbed the biggest vibrator and put it in me. Then He started playing with the settings, going from high to low and then stopping in the middle before going between again. It was driving me crazy. When He could tell I was really excited, He laid down and started to lick my clit. I went wild. It was so amazing. He kept taking me to the edge then stopping before I came. After what seemed like an eternity, He didn't stop. Instead He encouraged me by licking faster. Needless to say, I had what was probably the best orgasm of my life. It was so amazing.

After I had recovered a bit and Sir had wiped His face clean, it was His turn. I started by licking His face, then His cock clean. He was already rock hard and I know that He doesn't like to waste time, so I laid in His favorite position and He slowly sunk His cock into me.

He started off gently and gradually increased the pace until He was fucking me as hard as I could take. He held me down by my throat and kept cutting off more and more of my air as he got ready to cum. He came in me so hard that I could feel it flood my pussy. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't care. I just kept fucking back until all his cum was inside me. Then He let go of my throat and kissed my forehead. I thanked Him like I always do when He cums in or on me then cleaned His cock with my mouth.

After that we cleaned up. He tucked me in and we snuggled watching Star Wars together until I fell asleep. It was a great vacation. :D

Valentine's Vacation

2009-02-12T01:06:00.002-05:00

Sir has surprised me with the best V-day ever! We are going on a vacation! He is taking me to Washington D.C. for the weekend. We are going to stay in a hotel on the national mall the first night, then travel to another hotel with its own private beach the second night. I am soooooo excited. Sir knows how much I love museums and He has promised to spend most of our time browsing the Smithsonians! I just can't wait!

Well I guess I better get to bed. We are leaving tomorrow afternoon and I still have alot to do.

Orgasm Trouble

2009-02-11T04:42:00.002-05:00

I have always had trouble with orgasms. Not the ones I give myself, but ones that others try to give me. Until I met Sir I had never had a penetration orgasm. And trust me, I had had plenty of sex before I met Him. I started to wonder for awhile if there wasn't a problem with me. I had never heard of anyone not having an orgasm if they enjoyed the sex. Which I always did. I've always been quite the nymphomaniac. I could never get enough.

I had never had problems masturbating either. I have been giving myself orgasms since I was eight. The problem always seemed to come around when I tried to have one with a man. Before Sir, I had been with many men and some women. Never had penetration alone given me an orgasm. However, I have had many whenever I have received oral sex.

After I met Sir and He gave me my first real penetration orgasm, I thought I was in heaven. I didn't think it would be a problem anymore. I knew better than to expect them constantly, but I thought that they would still happen pretty frequently. And they do...under one condition: I must not want oral sex. Whenever my body decides it needs oral sex, everything else that is sex related goes out the window. I cannot even masturbate very successfully.

This boggles my mind. I cannot understand why this happens. I am so turned on all the time, but I cannot orgasm. I thought that maybe it was a mental block, but I don't see how that could be when I am so horny and want it so much.

I don't think all this would really be a problem except for one thing: Sir doesn't like to perform oral sex on women. He says that sometimes it is ok, but for the most part He doesn't go near it. He doesn't even really like to touch me there (except with His cock obviously). This bothers me quite alot. He swears that it isn't anything to do with me specifically, He has never liked it. I believe Him, I just don't know what to do about it.

I feel silly to say that I need oral sex, but I don't know what else to think. My entire body aches at the thought and nothing else will suffice. I'm in agony when I think of it because I am constantly turned on. I just want it to stop. I'm sick of feeling like I have no control over my own body. I'm angry and tired and horny all the time because of it, and it is starting to strain my relationship with Sir. I don't want to pressure Him or make Him feel bad in any way. But it seems that I can't help it. I beg Him for hours to fuck me, then when He does I don't really get anything out of it. It is trying His patience and I am sick of it as well. He tells me He doesn't mind, but I still feel guilty. I'm at the end of my rope here. I feel like if I don't get some release soon, I will go crazy, but I would rather die than nag Sir into it...especially since He doesn't enjoy it. I guess I'm just at a loss.

Story Time Again

2009-02-09T01:55:00.002-05:00

This is actually two stories written about one very long morning. I decided to post them together because they really are better together and I don't really know when the next time I feel like posting my stories will be. So here I present to you: "Good Morning: Parts 1 & 2"

She slowly came awake; trying to figure out what was waking her. She smiled as she felt His hands petting her hair. She quickly opened her eyes and met His gaze. "Aw, I was trying not to wake you up sweetheart," He said quietly, "You are just too beautiful. Daddy couldn't keep his hands off you." She smiled as her heart nearly burst with love for Him. "It's ok Daddy. If you're awake I wanna be awake too," she said smiling brightly. "I know baby girl, you are so good to your Daddy," He said smiling back.

He pulled her close to His body, feeling her soft naked flesh against His hairy chest. She laughed and squirmed as He tickled her sides gently. In one quick motion, she reached down and grasped Him between the legs. He gasped and said, "Well I guess that’s one way to get out of a good tickle." She only laughed and started to stroke Him.

"Oh no you don't missy," He proclaimed, taking her hand off of His already rigid cock. "I'm gonna have my breakfast first." With a wicked smile, He rolled her onto her back and chuckled at her confused expression. Without taking His eyes off of hers He began to slowly kiss her smooth belly and trace His fingers up and down her sides. He continued to kiss her, moving down to her thighs. Understanding suddenly dawned on her face, and He chuckled and gave her the smile that always melted her heart.

"That’s right baby, Daddy is gonna take real good care of you this morning," He said before returning to her now quivering thigh. She gasped as He reached her pubic mound and kissed it lightly. She raised her hips to His face as He started to pull away. He kissed her again and said, "Eager this morning, huh? Well that’s just fine darling. I want you to enjoy it." She gasped as He kissed her again, this time a little lower and not nearly as soft. "I love you with all my heart Daddy," she said in a wavering voice. "Daddy loves you too sweetheart. You're my little angel," He told her as He drew closer to her already wet pussy.

He nuzzled His nose into the soft hair lining her opening. She moaned lightly and again pushed her hips toward his face. He slowly stuck His tongue out and tasted her wet slit. She moaned more insistently as she felt His tongue against her. Without waiting any longer, He plunged His tongue between her slippery lips and probed deeper into her. As He dragged His tongue up her slit He reached up and pulled the hood back, exposing her tender clit. He felt her gasp as the cool air played across her sensitive clit. Slowly He flicked His tongue across the tiny bump and smiled at the rush of wetness from her already soaked pussy.

"Do you wanna cum for Daddy already little one?" He asked, lifting his mouth from her. "Yes Daddy," she replied in a soft voice. Without waiting another second He returned His lips to her dripping slit and began to lap up her sweet juices. She moaned even harder as his tongue traveled lower and began to dart in and out of her. He pressed His nose against her throbbing clit as He continued to fuck her with His tongue.

"I'm gonna cum Daddy!" she exclaimed as He worked even faster inside of her. With a loud moan she jerked as the orgasm ripped through her body. He felt her pussy tighten on His tongue, but continued to slide in and out of her, lapping up the rush of juices. She moaned again as a second orgasm tore through her already shaking body.

"That’s my girl," He said, kissing her pussy lips as He licked up the remaining cum from her. "Oh Daddy, I love you so much. You are so good to me," she said panting as He moved back up the bed to lie next to her. "And you are my sweet angel," He said, wrapping His arms around her shaking frame. Slowly she turned toward Him and licked her juices from His face. Neither of them could ever remember being happier. He sighed as He felt her warm tongue darting across His face. He pulled her even closer and kissed her forehead as she drifted back off to sleep. With a smile, He closed His eyes and followed her example. Soon both of them were sound asleep again, both with identical smiles of satisfaction on their faces as they lay together.

Part 2

She opened her eyes a little and looked over at Him. Good, Daddy was still asleep. Carefully she eased up, being extra careful not to wake Him. This time it was His turn for a morning surprise.

She scooted down the bed and leaned toward Him, but before she could get her mouth anywhere near Daddy's cock, she heard Him. "And just what do you think you're doing little girl?" He asked without opening His eyes. She breathed a heavy sigh. "I thought You were asleep Daddy," she replied. "How do You always know everything?" He chuckled. "Because I'm your Daddy sweetheart. Knowing everything is my job. Now come give Daddy a kiss," He said.

She sprung up the bed and gave Him a big kiss. As she started to pull away she felt His hands hold her to Him and His tongue part her lips. Eagerly she kissed Him back. She always loved it when Daddy kissed her like this, crushing her whole body to His, feeling His tongue probing her mouth and twining around her tongue.

As they kissed He ran His hand down her side and between her legs. She gasped at His touch and tried to pull away. "Relax baby girl, I'm just seeing how wet you are for your Daddy," He said in a gentle tone. Instantly she relaxed against Him and let His fingers explore her slit. She could tell she was very wet already and His fingers were only making her wetter. She could tell by His grunt that He was surprised she was already so wet. "I was gonna surprise you Daddy, before You woke up," she murmured into His ear. "And just what was my angel gonna do for her Daddy?" He asked, sounding amused.

"I was gonna suck my Daddy's big hard cock until He woke up enough to really enjoy it," she said seriously. "I want You to cum hard in my mouth Daddy." He smiled as He said, "Well baby, don’t let me stop you." With a grin she kissed Him quickly on the cheek and began to scoot back down the bed towards His now rock hard cock.

She ran her hands down His thighs as she watched His already hard cock get bigger. Slowly she ran her hands up the insides of His thighs, savoring how He was already breathing heavy in anticipation. She moved her right hand towards His balls and gently squeezed them. He let out a gasp of pleasure when He felt her hand cup him and her fingers gently pushing against Him. She slid her other hand around the base of His cock. She could already see pre-cum on the tip. She quickly darted her tongue out to taste it. She loved the way her Daddy tasted, so salty and warm. He heard Daddy gasp as her wet little tongue touched His sensitive head.

"That’s my girl. Suck Daddy's cock baby," He whispered. She felt herself get even wetter as He whispered to her. She loved to suck Daddy. She wrapped her lips around His cock. She always loved the way it felt, the skin so soft, but hard and tight and warm to the touch. He groaned as He felt her warm little mouth around Him. She began to move up and down His shaft, flicking her tongue across it as she did. He could feel the waves of pleasure radiating through Him each time her lips traveled across His sensitive shaft. As she sucked she gently massaged His balls in her other hand. She tightened her grip around the thick base of His shaft and felt His whole cock start to throb in her mouth. Quickly she began to increase her speed on His shaft. She could feel His cock jerking in her mouth as she began to suck harder and faster, running her tongue up and down the underside of His cock.

"That’s it baby, don’t stop. Daddy's gonna cum," He moaned. She could feel Him breathing hard and pumping His hips against her face as she sucked His cock even faster. With a loud moan He thrust into her mouth and came. She could feel His thick hot cum filling her mouth as she greedily swallowed it down. She continued to milk the cum from His throbbing cock until there was none left. Quickly she removed her mouth and began to lick Him clean. "That’s my good little girl. Clean Daddy's cock," He said as she continued to lick Him.

With a smile she crawled back up to Him and lay in His arms. He kissed her hair and told her with quiet whispers how proud He was and how much He loved His little girl. "Now Daddy is gonna do something for you baby. Do you want Daddy to cum inside you?" He asked. "Yes Daddy," she replied in a whisper. "Then come here baby," He said, tugging her on top of Him. She was amazed to see that He was already getting hard again. He noticed her looking at His quickly hardening cock. "That’s right baby; see how much Daddy wants you?"

She gasped as she felt Him grab her ass and lift her onto Him. She sat straddling Him. They could both feel her juices running down her legs and onto Him. "Daddy loves His little angel," He said quietly, "and now Daddy wants her to feel good and cum for Him. Can you cum for Daddy baby?" "Oh yes Daddy," she replied breathlessly, "I wanna cum all over Your hard cock."

He gasped as He felt her lower herself onto Him. She felt His cock grow even harder inside of her warm, wet little pussy. She began to pump her hips against Him, feeling Him thrust into her, softly at first then harder as they found a rhythm. She began to moan louder as He thrust deeper inside her soft wet pussy. "That’s right baby; you like it when Daddy fucks your tight little pussy don’t you?" He said as she thrust even harder against Him. "Yes Daddy, fuck me harder!" she cried.

She could feel the orgasm building fast inside of her. With a moan she yelled out, "Yes Daddy! I'm cumming, I'm cumming! Oh Daaadddyyy!" He gasped as He felt her pussy tighten almost painfully on His cock. He felt her juices run down Him as she continued to thrust her hips against Him. He could feel her orgasm shake her body. She could feel His cock huge and throbbing inside of her.

One more thrust and she heard Him call out with a moan, "Oh yeah baby. Daddy's gonna cum too!" She felt the thick, hot ropes of cum fill her already throbbing pussy. As His cum shot inside her, she felt another orgasm overtake her. He gasped again as He felt her tighten on His cock again. She slumped forward, His cock still inside her. "That’s my girl, that’s Daddy's good girl," He whispered to her as the aftershocks of their orgasms rippled throughout them both. He petted her hair and kissed her forehead. She sighed in contentment and rolled off of Him. She wrapped her arms around His neck and kissed Him softly. He held her close as she drifted back to sleep. His heart ached with love as He watched her sleep, nestled comfortably in His arms. He held her tight. She was, and always would be, His little girl.

Amazing Author

2009-02-08T14:18:00.004-05:00

As I have stated before, I love books. I'm quite the bibliophile. Last night our Munch hosted a Q&A with an amazing local author who has been in our community for many years. Her name is TammyJo Eckhart and I highly recommend her to anyone who enjoys BDSM erotica.

I have read a couple of her books. She writes a variety of different genres. The book I am currently enjoying is called Servants of Destiny. It is a Sci-fi Femdom novel set in a world that is like medieval England, but with magic and a strict caste system. TammyJo has her degrees in Ancient History, so her descriptions of the world her characters inhabit is very realistic and believable. They are truely a pleasure to read. For more about TammyJo and her books, I recommend you check out her site at:
http://www.kiva.net/~teckhart/

The Bestest Little Day!

2009-02-06T23:06:00.003-05:00

Today Sir decided it was Little Day for me. First we went to the store and got all my favorite candy so I could hide it in my really big purse and take it to the movies. Then He took me to IHOP. I got lotsa pancakes and hash browns. My favorites! After that He took me to the movies to see Coraline. It was sooooo great! I loved the movie and I got a code to try to win shoes like her's from the movie. Then we went to the mall and I got a new wallet since my old one was 5 years old and falling apart. My new one is grey and has Gir from Invader Zim on it so it matches my big purse. Last, we went to the Munch and I got to hang out with my friends and Sir at the same time. I love when He goes with me.

Also while we were out, Sir got a new game for Him to play. Our bedtime ritual is playing video games. I love to watch Him play. He picks RPGs so it is like watching a bedtime story. I love it so much. Its so nice to be cuddled next to Him watching Him play. Its been a really great day, and best of all, I know we will have lots like it!

Poly Thoughts

2009-02-05T01:56:00.002-05:00

For over a year now, Sir and I have been discussing poly. Even before He collared me, we toyed with the idea of adding another woman to our relationship. I have been a bisexual as long as I can remember having sexual feelings, so it adding a woman, even just as an occasional play-partner, has always appealed to me. And of course it is every straight man's fantasy, so it appeals to Sir as well. Now that I am collared, the idea of a "subbie sister" appeals even more.

I know that many people warn of the dangers of a poly relationship, but I believe I could handle it. I know I am capable of loving two people at once. I have been in love like that before. I think that for it to work, we would just have to find someone who is compatible with both of us. That will be the hardest part. Jealousy is not a problem for me. I know my place and am completely confident in Sir. I just don't know if we could find another woman who shares this trait.

I would love to find another little submissive into D/s and domestic service. Sir has agreed that it would be perfect to find another who is like me in these ways. Someone I can play with in both sexual and non-sexual ways, who shares my love of serving Him. I only hope that we can one day find someone in our area that fits that description. We aren't actively looking, but hopefully we can just happen into the perfect third to complement our couple.

Really Little

2009-02-02T20:42:00.002-05:00

I don't know how it is for most littles, but for me my "age" fluctuates. I feel anywhere from 2 to 40 and it is almost always different every day. However, recently I noticed that I get "stuck" sometimes. During these times I usually stay about the same age for a long time. Its not really noticeable to me, except for the extremely rare times when I am stuck at a very young age and am not really comfortable with speech.

That is what has kept me from writing recently. I have been stuck with only minimal speaking capabilities for the last couple days. (no speaking means no writing too) I'm not really sure why this happens. I know mentally that I can speak, I still think in words, and if forced I will talk, but if left alone to do as I please, I prefer not to.

Sir has been incredibly understanding with me the last few days. I had forgotten to tell Him about my "silent spells" before I had one. At first He thought I was upset, but I just cuddled with Him, smiled, and poked Him in the bellybutton. After that He knew I was fine and just hugged me and smiled back. He didn't prod me with questions or demand that I talk, He just let me be until I was really able to explain.

I can't tell you how greatful I was and am. Usually I am quiet loquatious, so when I stop talking for a long period of time, people generally get worried and barrage me with questions. It was so nice to just sit in silence and not be bothered. Sometimes quiet can be soothing. Besides I think Sir enjoyed the rest His ears got. :)

Role Playing

2009-01-22T07:09:00.002-05:00

Yesterday Sir rewarded me for being so good lately. He knows my fantasies, so it was easy for Him to decide what my special treat would be. Last night He decided to cater to my cock envy. We made up our roles and just let it go from there.

He was my mean Mistress and I got to be the sissy boy. It was amazing. I got to wear the strap-on for the first time in several months. It felt so good to play through that scene. Normally Sir won't humiliate me because He knows I have self-esteem issues. But when I am the sissy boy He feels free to insult my "manhood" without any chance of really hurting my feelings.

Even though our games are rare, I love it that way. Role playing is a way to really let go and be whatever you want to be. It is the freedom to get what you want and live out fantasies. I wouldn't want that every day by any means, but it really is a welcome release every now and again.

Fun Time on Sunday

2009-01-19T16:00:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was lots of fun. I had two coupons for Borders that expired on the 19th so Sir took me to the bookstore. It was amazing. I saved so much money and got three new books. I love book shopping so much! I also got a new set of earrings. They are just silver and blue hoops, but having new jewelry makes me care a little bit more about how I look. New clothes and new makeup are like that too. Sometimes just looking better makes me feel better about myself. Besides, its really nice when we can actually afford to spend money on things that aren't absolutely necessary.

After shopping, Sir dropped me off at the restaurant for the submissives discussion group. There were only 6 of us this time, but we had a really great time. The topic this week was communication. There were some really insightful answers and I really liked hearing about some other people's experiences. It was very nice to be able to sit and talk about the "taboo" part of my life with friends who understand. Sometimes I hate hiding things, but I know that in most cases it is necessary. It is worth every hardship to have the life I am living now with Sir. It really is my dream and it is worth everything to me.

I am happier now than I have been in years, perhaps more than I've ever been. And more importantly, so is Sir. I haven't felt a touch of my old depression in weeks. I know I shouldn't worry, but I wonder if it will last. I think that this time it will, but I know how naive that sounds. I guess I will just have to put my worries aside and focus on being the best I can be for Sir and making both of us as happy as possible.

Ok, Here's a Treat....I Hope

2009-01-14T07:16:00.002-05:00

I thought I was done posting for the night, but I decided to post one of my Daddy stories. Its been nagging at me lately and I suppose it wants to be read. Its called "Daddy's Pet" and I wrote it about my favorite types of restraints. Obviously I love ball gags (i think there is another post about that) but I also love being chained up and cuffed to sturdy pieces of furniture. So without further ado...

She lay comfortably on the floor near the bedroom door. She sighed and wiggled to relieve the numbness that was spreading throughout her legs. As she moved she felt the weight on her neck increase as her chain dropped from her shoulder to the floor with a clanking sound. She smiled as she picked up the heavy links and dropped them back, feeling the weight once again drag at her neck.

She loved the way her chain sounded and felt as it clanked and clicked when she moved. She always looked forward to the days when Daddy left her this way, chained short so she couldn’t stand, with nothing to do but wait for His return.

She sighed again as she thought of Him. She always hated to be away from Him, the thought nearly brought her to tears. She missed His hands on her body. She suppressed a shudder as she imagined His homecoming tonight. She could feel herself start to get wet and quickly stopped her daydreaming. She would hate for Daddy to find out she had cum without Him. It wasn’t the punishment she would receive that she feared; it was the unhappy look on Daddy's face that always made her feel the worst when she failed to obey Him.

The silence of the house lulled her back to her half-sleeping state. She was almost asleep when the scrape of a key at the door snapped her back to full attention. With an excited smile she crawled as far as her chain would allow and knelt wriggling with happiness on the floor.

As soon as He entered, He was greeted by her enthusiastic shout. "Daddy!" she exclaimed. The smile she loved so much appeared on His face as He looked down at her smiling face. He quickly crossed the room to her. He reached down to run his fingers through her hair as He asked her how she felt today. He couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked, naked and chained to the bed by her collar. This morning He had debated locking her wrists together too, but wasn’t sure how long He would be gone and didn’t want to risk something happening while she was totally helpless without Him.

"I'm so glad you're home Daddy," she said as He knelt next to her on the floor. "I missed you so much." He felt a pang of guilt for having to leave her alone for so long and quickly pulled her into His lap. "Its ok now baby, Daddy's home," He whispered into her ear as He lightly ran His fingers over her tummy. He was surprised to feel how cool her skin was. "Are you cold angel?" He asked. Suppressing a shiver she replied, "A little bit, but I'll be ok now that you're home to hold me Daddy."

Slowly He unhooked the chain from her collar savoring how the links sounded as He dropped it back to the floor. He stood and pulled her up into His arms and took her to the bed. Quickly she snuggled into the heavy blankets as He turned down the air conditioning. He stripped off His clothes and crawled into the bed next to her. She snuggled close to Him as He folded her into His arms.

"Better sweetheart?" He inquired. "Yes, Daddy. Much better," she replied in a sleepy voice. "Then roll over honey and let Daddy feel that cute ass against Him," He whispered into her ear. She immediately complied, liking the way His cock stiffened against her tender ass cheeks. He reached above her head and grabbed the cuffs that were dangling from the headboard. When she peered up at what He was doing, she smiled at Him and raised both her wrists to the cuffs. He expertly buckled her wrists in as He had done so often before.

"Roll over on your belly baby. Daddy wants that sweet ass," He said softly. She giggled as she rolled, wrists stuck out and now chained to the headboard. She tried to turn her head so she could watch Him ready His already erect cock to penetrate her tight ass. He saw what she was trying to do and moved so she could get a better view of His hard cock. Seeing her eyes sparkle with lust and adoration only turned Him on more as He began to move Himself between her legs and toward her ass.

He smiled slightly as He saw how wet she already was. "Were you good for Daddy today while He was gone?" He asked as He slowly rubbed the head of His cock against her wet slit. "Yes Daddy, very good," she replied breathlessly. She couldn’t wait for Him to fuck her like this. "Good girl. Daddy got you a present. You want it baby?" He teased. "Yes Daddy," she said curiously.

With a smile He reached down to the floor by the bed and brought out her present. "Close your eyes baby and keep them closed until I tell you to open them," He said to her. With her present in one hand, he reached up to her head with both hands and carefully placed the rubber ball at her lips. As He expected, she never opened her eyes, just opened her mouth and took whatever it was He pressed against her lips. "That’s my good girl," He praised her as He pulled the straps around to the back of her head and fastened them. "You can open your eyes now baby girl," He told her. She obeyed and He smiled even wider at her look of excitement when she realized exactly what her new present was. She smiled at Him around her new ball gag and shifted to offer Him easy access to her ass.

Smiling at her reaction, He wet His cock in her pussy, being careful not to let it slide all the way in. She arched her back and moaned softly as His cock head touched her pussy lips. Slowly He rubbed His cock against her now moist asshole. She began to moan softly and rock her hips toward Him. Slowly He slid His cock into her tight ass. He gasped at how tight it was. He pushed harder and slid into her even farther as He felt her muscles clench then relax around His cock.

She moaned even louder around the rubber blocking her mouth as He began to slide in and out of her, slowly at first, but quickly picking up speed. She rocked her hips back into His crotch as He slid even farther inside. Both of them gasped as He gave a hard thrust and felt His entire cock slide into her tight little asshole. She moaned louder and began to clench her muscles rhythmically on His cock.

He continued to fuck her harder as He slid His hand around and began to rub her clit. He could feel her juices flowing over His hand and down her thighs. Her muffled moans and cries were pushing Him to the edge. He could feel she was about to climax. "That’s it baby, cum for Daddy," He gasped as she continued to take His cock deep inside her. With a muffled cry, she came, her juices flooding over His hand and soaking the bed below. As He felt her orgasm shake her body He could feel His own about to hit.
Thrusting harder, He cried out. "Oh yeah baby, Daddy's gonna cum! Daddy's gonna cum in your sweet little ass!" He quickly grabbed her collar and pulled it tight against the soft flesh of her neck. She moaned breathlessly and pushed herself into Him as He came. She could feel His hot cum flood her asshole. She cried out again, the sound muffled by the gag. He could feel her tighten as He continued to spurt hot salty cum into her.

With a final shudder, He began to pull out. As His cock head emerged from her He saw His cum leak out of her ass and down into her pussy. He smiled as He removed her gag. "Did you like Daddy's present little one?" He asked her as He unfastened her wrist cuffs. "Oh yes Daddy. I really did," she said smiling back.

Everything Is Wonderful

2009-01-14T06:54:00.003-05:00

I really don't have anything new to report, but I know that if I get in the habit of not posting every couple of days I will forget to post at all. Sir and I are still doing great. Its tough now that He is back in school again, but it is His last semester. He should be graduating in May. I'm so proud of Him. He has been working so hard. I'm also excited because it means I will be able to go back to school in the Fall. He is going to try to get into grad school at the college I am going to so that we can be together. I can't wait to get back into the swing of things again.

What else? Well I have my submissives meeting this Sunday. It should be fun, although I have been getting more and more nervous about driving lately. Its only a 30 min drive and traffic isn't usually too bad so I'm trying not to worry too much. I think Sir and I might also go to the Paradox group meeting this Saturday if He isn't too busy. I haven't been to that one before, but it should be fun.

Well, I guess thats it really. Nothing really new to report.

Yeah I Know, Long Time No See

2009-01-11T01:09:00.005-05:00

I thought it would be awhile before I had the time and inclination to post again. Now that the holidays are over I should have alot more time to write more regularly. Alot has happened in the last couple months.

I would say the biggest thing (at least to me) was being collared. A few weeks ago my husband and I had a talk about depression. It is something I have fought with since early adolescence and it gets pretty bad sometimes. We were talking about the total sense of uselessness I have been feeling ever since I lost my job several months ago. Long story short: that discussion finally made him realize what D/s is to me. It gave him a vantage point to understand because he had dealt with depression before as well. For some reason having that talk helped him to really understand my particular take on D/s and what I need in that kind of relationship.

So fast forward to last week. Ever since we had that talk, he has been more Dominant than ever. I mean truly Dominant, not just the act he put on in the bedroom every now and again. Nothing had really changed between us, it was just different. Its like he knew what to do the whole time, he just had to understand to use it.

Now fast forward again to today. We went to the store and ran errands all day. Got home and I put away the groceries. He said he wanted a soda and was going to go the the gas station to get a huge fountain soda. I didn't think anything of it. He got home as I was finishing up putting everything away. He stood and watched me then told me he had a surprise for me. I turned around and he had a smile on his face and a thin, black leather collar in his hands. I'm pretty sure I squeaked in surprise. It even had a shiny silver tag with our names on it. I held still while he put it on and thanked him profusely.

I am so incredibly happy and grateful. I was worried that it wouldn't last, that he would get sick of being Sir to me. He has assured me that He actually prefers our relationship that way as long as I am ok with it. We just seem closer and stronger now.
Ok I'm done gushing now. I guess the important thing to readers is that Sir now refers to my husband and my posts will be labeled as such from now on. Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! I know I did.

Bad, Bad Baby Girl

2008-12-08T03:43:00.003-05:00

Ok I know I've been bad. I meant to write before now, but with the holidays here its been hectic. I really don't have much to write. Alot has been going on, but its just mostly been family stuff like dinners and shopping. I probably won't write much until after the holiday season. My husband doesn't go back to classes until January and I know we will be endlessly busy until then. I wish you all happy holidays and will be back more regularly when the holiday crazies are done and over with.

Missin' My Daddy

2008-11-19T17:25:00.003-05:00

Some days I really miss Daddy. We still talk most days. I just wish He wasn't so far away. I invited Him to come visit for Thanksgiving because He was going to spend it alone. I don't know if He will come or not. My husband and I talked about it and he was ok with Daddy coming to visit for a couple days as long as we don't have sex. I don't think that would be a problem since my husband will be off work and he will be around. I dunno how Daddy will feel about that, but I don't care about the sex, I just wanna see Him. I hope He comes. I don't want anyone I love to spend the holidays alone. No one should have to be alone during the family season.

Maybe I'm just overly concerned because I've never really had a good holiday season before. Now that I am on my own and free to do what I want for the holidays, I want to surround myself with my loved ones. I don't feel obligated to spend alot of time with people I don't want to see. Just because some people are my blood relatives, doesn't mean I have to see them if I don't want to. Well, its just a thought. Wish me luck.

An interesting Incident

2008-11-17T15:20:00.002-05:00

Saturday afternoon I caught a ride to another Munch in the state with the leader of my local Munch. I'll call him Mr. M. I drove to our Munch meeting place to meet him since I didn't know how to get to the other Munch and it was almost a 2 hour drive to get there. Mr. M was giving me and another girl a ride. We had a great time on the drive up. I didn't really know the other girl very well so it was nice to get to know each other. We got to the Munch and had a fun time. I was the youngest person there. We drove back to town. Since we were early getting back we stopped by an adult store so Mr. M could pick up some things for his slave.

We were still ahead of schedule when we left there, so we went to Mr. M's apartment to hang out for awhile. We sat around and talked for an hour or two. Mr. M brought out a corset he was telling the other girl about for her to try on. It didn't fit her, but it fit me perfectly. After that she took off the rest of her clothes and sat around in her panties. I put my bra on and sat on the couch with her. Mr. M came over and had her straddle my lap. I sucked on her breasts while he flogged her back. I moved my hand to her pussy and fingered her clit while he continued to flog her. He went to put his finger in her and felt mine there already. He chuckled and went back to flogging her. Right before she came he choked her. She came hard on my hand and moaned loudly.

After she came twice like that, she collapsed next to me on the couch. I cuddled her while Mr. M smiled and chuckled while he watched from across the room. After a brief break, he pulled out a purple vibrator. I smiled and took it from him. I knelt on the floor in front of her and slid it inside her pussy. I fucked her pussy while I licked her clit. Mr. M talked to us while I did it, telling her how much of a slut she was and that she liked feeling me licking her. I started to fuck her pussy harder when I could tell she was close to cumming. He continued to whisper in her ear and bite her neck. He choked her again when she came.

We continued to take turns fingering her and making her cum for another hour. Finally I said I needed to get home. Mr. M took me to my car. I thanked them both for a wonderful time. I had so much fun. I can hardly believe it was real. That was by far the best Saturday I've had in a long time!

Sick

2008-11-14T15:11:00.004-05:00

I'm sick yet again. I don't really feel like writing alot today, but I feel guilty for not posting for a few days. I'm still jobless which sucks, but I've been to a couple interviews so I'm hopeful. I hope I'm feeling better by tomorrow. I'm supposed to go to SubSpace, the submissives meeting held by my Munch group. I will go unless I'm dying, it would just be nice to feel good too.

What a Drag!

2008-11-10T16:05:00.003-05:00

Ok playing catch up again. Friday I went to the Friday Munch with Lori. I had alot of fun and met some new people. After the Munch we decided to go to the local gay club, Connections. I called my husband and asked if it was ok with him. He was reluctant to let me go, but said it was ok as long as I was reasonably behaved...

Anyway, I went and had a blast. One of the main events at the club was the drag queen shows. I loved it! The drag queens they had were awesome. They had dancing, lip-synching, and stand-up comedy. It was great. One of the guys in our group handed me a dollar and took me up to the stage to tip my first drag queen. After the show I hit the dance floor with some of my group mates and danced for awhile. I haven't danced with other people forever. Needless to say I had a great time.

Saturday I took my husband to his first Munch. I had fun, but I don't know if he did or not. He just sat there the whole time without talking very much. I asked him what he thought and he just shrugged and said it was fine. Oh well, at least he went. I was glad he came and got to meet some of the people I meet with. All in all I guess it was a pretty good weekend.

Politics

2008-11-05T23:57:00.002-05:00

Ok I try not to get off topic much here, but sometimes things from my non-BDSM world effect me so much that I have to vent somewhere. I will try to limit myself to a short rant however. So here it is.

I am a bisexual. I am married to a man. I could be just as happy married to a woman. My state does not allow same sex marriage, but I have friends who are gay and live in California where same sex marriage was legal. Emphasis on WAS. Thats right folks, its no longer legal and all the couples who were married legally in California only a few months ago are now not recognized by state law. THIS PISSES ME OFF TO NO END!!!!!!! I wish I could have a shotgun and 5 minutes with every person who voted yes to Prop 8. It just isn't fair! What gives the religious majority the right to decide what someone else's decisions should or should not be. IT IS NOT THIER LIFE!!!!! No one is forcing them to do it, or even like it. What if I suddenly decided that heterosexual marriages offended me? No one would take that away. I guess its true, if you give people enough bibles and guns they eventually cling to those and no one else's rights or beliefs matter.

Ok I'm done now. I hope I didn't offend anyone. These are just my thoughts on the matter, and I wasn't trying to anger anyone out there.

New Toy!

2008-11-03T13:43:00.003-05:00

After the Munch on Saturday I drove home. I couldn't wait to tell my husband all about the Munch and how much fun it was. When I got home he asked me if I wanted to go to the good adult toy store in the city. Of course I said sure! Its been forever since I've had a new toy and all of mine are still in storage from my move. So we went to the store and he told me I could pick out whatever I wanted. I immediately fell in love with a rather large pink jelly dildo. I love the jelly ones, they just feel so much more realistic and filling.

So I bought it and we drove home. I couldn't wait to get there and try it out. As soon as we walked in the door I started stripping off clothing while my husband walked the puppy. Now a word about this toy: it is by far the biggest thing that has ever been in me, at least for a very long time. My husband is about average. This toy is 8.5" long by 2.5" wide. Definitely larger than average. Anyway, I lubed it up and put it in. I was surprised at first because I can't remember the last time something hurt when it went in. Around this time my husband came back in. He stripped down as well and joined me on the bed.

After a few more strokes I pulled it out and set it aside. I let him try to fuck me with his smaller cock. I was so surprised that I could hardly feel it in me. I told him to pull out. I started to give my already hard husband a blowjob. I love oral sex. It is so amazing to me. I brought him off rather quickly then got up to wash the toy. I came back and settled on my belly between his legs. I began to suck him hard again then push my fingers into him one by one. I could tell he was enjoying it and he kept asking for more until I had all five inside him. He told me he wanted to try the toy too. I was shocked. He has never been that open about saying what he wants, besides he had never had anything that big in him before.

So after making sure he really wanted it, I lubed it up and started to put it in. In a short amount of time I could tell I wouldn't be able to get it in. I told him and instead of giving up, he asked if he could try by himself. Speechless, I agreed. Where did my shy, reluctant husband go? I gave it to him and watched in wonder as he worked it slowly into himself. By the time he got it in as much as he could he had almost 8 inches inside. That was more than my rather experienced pussy could take! After a couple minutes of watching, I took over and gently fucked him with it. He came very fast after that. I was surprised at how much it had turned me on. I licked up all the cum off his belly and snowballed it into his mouth. He didn't complain, although I know he doesn't really like the way his cum tastes. He just sucked my tongue clean.

After we cleaned off, we snuggled into bed and I held him while we went to sleep. He usually doesn't like me to hold him after, but he seemed to like it that night. I think that this experience has actually made him more comfortable with himself and our relationship. I am so proud of him. Who knew a new toy would do so much for us.

Catch Up

2008-11-03T13:34:00.002-05:00

Ok I know I've been bad. I've been neglecting to post. *slaps hand* Bad girl. Anyway, so I went to the Munch Saturday. I am sooooo glad I did! It was so much fun. I got to meet so many new people. I don't remember all the names, but in my defense I was a little overwhelmed. I hope no one gets offended. I fully plan on going to the next one on Friday and the Early Bloomers Munch for 18-35 year olds on Saturday afternoon. I think my husband might go with me, but I'm not sure. He still isn't really comfortable with it yet.

For me, finding others into BDSM was an epiphany. I felt like I found a place to meet others and feel less alone. For my husband it isn't. He is still uncomfortable with the lifestyle and his feelings about being Dominated. I am hoping to help him be more comfortable with it and accept it. Its just hard because he spent most of his life pretending he didn't need anything or anyone. It makes it hard for him to open up to others and be himself. Little by little he is getting more comfortable and suprises me daily. I can't help but be proud of him.

Happy Halloween!!!

2008-10-31T12:23:00.002-04:00

Yay! Its finally Halloween! I love Halloween. It seems like every year I'm just waiting for this holiday. Its my favorite by a long shot. I'm so excited. I'm dressing up as a pirate wench this year. My costume rocks! I will put up a picture if I remember. It makes me kinda sad sometimes that I can't go trick-or-treating anymore, but its probably for the best since I don't really have a Daddy to take me anyway! Anyway, handing out candy in costume will be fun and I hope we get alot of trick-or-treaters. Have a merry Halloween everyone!

Best Buddies!

2008-10-30T22:19:00.004-04:00

So I went to a pre-munch lunch to get to know my Buddy Lori better. I'm so glad I did. She is so awesome. We met at the mall at 3:30 and got Subway. Then we sat around and talked until seven. It was so amazing to meet someone I had so much in common with. She was so fun and easy to talk to. We made plans to meet early this Saturday before the Munch so we can get good seats and I can meet some of her friends. I'm really looking forward to it.

Stories

2008-10-29T15:18:00.003-04:00

I love to write. I have been writing here about my everyday life stuff. Daddy always encouraged me to write here and I also wrote several stories for Him as well. He said to write down everything, my fantasies, my fears and put it into a story for Him to read. I've been thinking alot about putting my stories here. I wrote them for Him and I have His permission to post them, but they are deeply personal. I guess I'm just shy about anyone reading them. I've decided that I shouldn't be afraid and I guess I want others to read and respond to my words. I want to inspire and arouse others with my stories like I have been with other people's stories. I'm much more of a mental person. Sex alone doesn't do it for me. It is what goes on in my head while I'm having sex or in a sexual situation that really gets me off. I guess this is why I would rather read erotica than watch pornography. Maybe that makes me weird, but its not like its the only thing. :-)

That being said, I will post my first story here. I wrote it when I was fantasizing about going away with Daddy when our relationship started. It isn't very erotic, but its special to me in a different kind of way. Its called Anticipation. Enjoy.

Today was the day she had been waiting for. After months of waiting He was coming for her. Her body tingled all over at the thought of Him. She rushed around the house making sure everything was ready. She paused at the kitchen door. Quickly she grabbed up a damp cloth and dropped to her knees. She began to scrub the floor frantically. Everything had to be perfect for Him.
After she was sure everything had been done to prepare for His arrival, she hopped into the shower. She washed her hair and slowly began to sponge her body with a soapy cloth. She ran the cloth over the sides of her ample breasts, slowly rubbing across her erect nipples. Her body shuddered as the rough texture of the washcloth excited her already aching body. She could hardly contain a moan as she thought of His hands caressing her tender flesh.
She slowly ran the cloth over her tummy with one hand, soaping her hot skin, as the other hand rubbed her hard nipple. He was really coming for her. The very thought sent another, stronger wave of pleasure over her body. She moved her hand to her inner thigh and felt the supple flesh as she pressed against it. Daddy. That one word crossed her mind as her hand took the final trip to her soft, wet slit. Plunging her fingers inside, she moaned. His hands. Touching her. It was too much. With a cry she felt the new wetness run down her legs as her orgasm ripped through her body.
With a smile she finished washing and left her bath. She toweled her body dry and dressed quickly. She would never keep Him waiting. It was almost time. He was almost here; she could feel Him close to her. With a shiver, she checked everything one last time. All of her things were already packed and ready to leave as soon as He gave the word. She couldn’t believe how lucky she was. She was so grateful to Him for everything he had done these last few months. He was always patient, always kind, never pushing her farther than He knew she could go. Always driving her to know and love herself as He did. He seemed to know her better than she had ever known herself. Through His eyes she saw what she had failed to see her entire life, her own self-worth, and she knew she would follow him anywhere for the rest of her life.
A heavy deliberate knock pulled her back to reality. Without taking a breath she moved to the door. She grasped the doorknob and willed herself to breathe. Daddy, here for her at last. The very thought sent chills over her whole body. With a trembling breath, she opened the door. The first things she saw were His eyes. They caught her up and held her spellbound. She had never seen eyes so kind and understanding, eyes that said they knew her entirely and loved her more than anyone ever had or ever would.
Slowly she reached out and touched his cheek without breaking eye contact. He raised his hand, her eyes drawn to the motion. She watched as He covered her hand in His. At the first touch of His hand, she was paralyzed. It was too good to be true. After months of planning and hoping, He was really here. The thought made her dizzy and she struggled not to faint. Without taking His hand off of hers, He reached out and pulled her to Him. She felt herself snap back entirely as His scent filled her nose. He smelled so warm, so real. He was here at last. Her Daddy had come for her.
She felt his lips move against her ear as His warm breath tickled across her neck. "I missed you my angel," He said. With tears in her eyes she looked into His and said softly, "Take me home Daddy, I'm ready." He slowly released her body and took her hand in His. He led her outside to where the car waited to take her to her new life, her new life with her perfect Daddy. The thought made her heart nearly burst with love for Him.
Slowly she followed Him to the car as He opened her door and placed her inside. He grabbed her bag and put it in the back, then got in next to her. He turned to her and looked at her in a way that made her feel like the only woman in the world. He grasped her hand in one of His and smiled at her. She felt her heart skip a beat and knew then without any doubts that for once in her life, she was doing the right thing. Smiling back she released His hand so He could start the car. As soon as it was done, He grasped her hand again in His. As He drove them to the airport, she felt the last of her worries slide away. It was really happening; He had come for her like she knew He would. Nothing had gone wrong, and now nothing ever would again.

Switch

2008-10-29T13:45:00.004-04:00

I've always known that I can act dominant. I have always acted decisive and confident in my everyday life. But I have always considered myself a submissive person. If I was ever confronted by someone who was a dominant person, my first reaction was to back down and become docile. Even though I didn't always, I still always wanted to submit to anyone who seemed to be truly dominant.

I think this is one reason I felt so awkward when my husband tried to Dom for me when I told him what I wanted. He isn't a Dom. He is a dominant person to the outside world, but it felt so uncomfortable to have him be my Dom. I just didn't feel that need to submit that I feel with others. I guess this was my first clue that he wasn't a dominant at all.

Last night I brought it up with him. We usually don't talk about "my kink" much anymore. I think it makes him feel inadequate because he can't Dom me. Anyway, I told him of my suspicions. He admitted that his best orgasms happened when I was mocking or belittling him, or acting like I'm bored or he isn't turning me on.

So I Dommed him. I actually started to enjoy it. It was nice to see my straight macho husband begging me to let him cum like a little bitch while I fucked his ass. I didn't go easy on him, but he just begged me for more anyway. It was good to work out some of my frustrations on him. It wasn't good in the same way that being Dom(med) but it was good in another way.

I never really considered myself a switch before. Maybe now I will have to reconsider that. I never thought I would enjoy Domming, but I think that with him I really do. I have always said that people should try everything once...maybe in this case I will have to try it again! Too bad this still doesn't solve my problems with what I want in a relationship.

Sometimes I Hate My Life

2008-10-28T01:19:00.001-04:00

Enough said.

Lunch Anyone?

2008-10-27T19:56:00.003-04:00

I have a lunch meeting on Wednesday with my Munch Buddy Lori. I'm excited and nervous. I hope we get along. It should be fun.

Munch Buddies

2008-10-23T15:09:00.002-04:00

Ok so I have decided to go to my first munch. Its not until the first of November so I've got plenty of time to chicken out, but I won't. I'm ready to be brave for once. The munch near here has an excellent program for newbies. Its called Munch Buddies. Before a newbie goes to their first munch, they can go the the munch website and request a Munch Buddy. The Buddy is always an existing and active member of the munch. They are as close to the person's age and preferences as is possible. My Buddy is named Lori. She is also a little girl submissive. I'm so excited to get to know her. I can't wait until the first!